


On our own

by SoMilkShake



Category: SKAM (Spain)
Genre: Call them as you wish, Croana, F/F, Gen, I don't know what I'm doing, Let's start, Multi, crisana, happy couple, hope you'll enjoy, this tags are useless
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-09
Updated: 2020-11-08
Packaged: 2021-02-28 04:28:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 23
Words: 62,027
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22638457
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SoMilkShake/pseuds/SoMilkShake
Summary: Basically, it’s Cris and Joana living an “adult life” in their apartment.(I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing with this. I just want to write chapters on many different situations but with a guideline which is to see Cris and Joana grow as a happy couple.)[I have tumblr now: somilkyshaky, if you want to come and talk with me, you're welcome!]
Relationships: Cris Soto/Joana Bianchi, Cristina "Cris" Soto Peña/Joana Bianchi Acosta
Comments: 105
Kudos: 342





	1. Prelude

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! I don't pretend to perfectly know Skam Spain, and I don't pretend to perfectly represent the characters. 
> 
> I'm French, so I think my English isn’t that great and there must be a lot of mistakes, but I did my best to be understandable.
> 
> Anyway, enjoy the reading!
> 
> \--
> 
> Taking an apartment together was a mutual decision. But the two girls haven’t expected the reaction of their parents during this little “meeting” during this summer afternoon.

19th July, Sunday: 15h39

Cris’ mother, almost laughing, is the first to break the silence that is filling the room and getting more and more heavy. “Cristina, our house is 20 minutes away from your university, _on foot_ , and you really want to cook, do your laundry, and make your bed, all by yourself?”.

“And who will pay the apartment, huh? I suppose _you_ won’t. We are already paying your studies, and you want us to pay a rent every month too? _Hija_ , you’re asking a lot, we never gave that much to your brothers.” confirms Cris’ father, getting impatient. Cris is going to retort something mean and clearly unhelpful in this situation, but…

“I will.” says Joana, hesitant. All the parents are now looking at her, their eyes wide open.

“Joana, you know tha…” starts her mother.

“No mom.” interrupts her daughter, she turns to her girlfriend’s parents and takes a deep breath. “I wasn’t accepted in my art school.” She pauses a second. Cris lowers her head, even if it’s been a month, she feels that Joana could collapse anytime whenever she talks about it; _she worked so hard to integrate this school…_ “So, I decided to find a job, and now I do have one. The bookshop owner will pay me enough to pay more than half the rent.”

“But girls… Why do you want to leave the house…? I mean, you will still see each other a lot, and, believe me, everything would be easier if you continued to live at home.” says softly Joana’s father.

“Yes, and Cris, we always told you that you are welcome in our house whenever you want.” continues his wife, smiling at the two girls.

“ _Easier_? What do you mean by _easier_?” bitterly asks Joana _._

“Joana, you perfectly know why.” answers her father.

“No, just say it. Oh no, let me see. I’m not capable of being on my own because I’m just a crazy weirdo, huh? Seriously, how do you want me to progress with my illness if no one trusts me?”

“You know I didn’t mean that, but anyway, I don’t think Mr. Flores would agree with this idea.” he replies sternly.

“Talking about him, it’s weird but, he told me the exact opposite during our last conversation. _Papa_ , I know you worry about me, but I’m 19 now, I can handle myself. I’ve never been better since my diagnosis. I take my meds and I go to therapy; I’m doing everything right.”

“But are you doing it to convince us to let you go, or for _yourself_?” he asks, emphasizing every word.

“I passed the stage of trying to please you at any cost to get what I want.” she calmly responds, but at the same time with determination, staring at her father. Something in his gaze is giving in. “Since I met Cris, I understood that I’m responsible for myself, that illness is no excuse to hurt people, or my person. So yes, I do it to protect myself, _and_ the people I love. I’m an adult now, I just want to live a _normal_ life, I want to try to be on my own and not to be assisted and powerless all my life. Do you understand me…?” She keeps her usual serene tone during all her explanation. _I want you to trust me…_

Joana’s parents don’t know what to say, but their gazes speak for them, they give in, even if her mother’s eyes are full of concern. Cris looks at Joana with a proud smile. _You managed it perfectly, Sapito._

“Well, young girl, you may be ready to live on your own, but that doesn’t mean that we’ll let Cris do the same.” declares Cris’ mother. Her daughter’s smile instantly fades.

“ _¿Qué?_ I don’t understand why! If cooking or washing my clothes is the prob…”

“Enough Cristina!” shouts her mother. “We already gave you our answer. You won’t leave the house. You don’t realize what it’s like to step into adulthood.”

“Well, if I don’t try, obviously I’ll never know!” bursts out Cris, leaving the house by slamming the door.

Joana lowers her head. _Fuck…_ “Go follow her. We’ll handle them.” whispers her mother in her ear with a hand on her shoulder and a supportive smile. _Trust me_ , says her gaze. Joana nods and complies.

\--

After four _infinite_ floors, she finally reaches the rooftop. She sees her girlfriend quickly hide her tobacco. “ _Idiota_ , you scared me.” lets out Cris, turning her head. _Is she… crying…?_

Joana slowly approaches her girlfriend who is trying to roll her cigarette even if her hands are shaking. “Cris…” she sighs softly. Joana tenderly grabs her arm and puts a hand on Cris’ cheek, so she can face her. Her girlfriend’s fake smile slowly disappears to give way to tears, slowly running down her red cheeks. She collapses in Joana’s arms.

“Why…? Why can’t they give me some freedom…? Why can’t she trust me for once? I just want to live with you… Is it too hard to understand…?” sobs Cris in her girlfriend’s neck.

Joana feels a huge jolt in her stomach. She _hates_ seeing Cris like that, _so vulnerable_. She _hates_ being unable to do anything for her girlfriend, _being powerless, being useless_. “We’ll find a way, I promise.” she murmurs, hugging Cris as tight as she can.

\--

8th August, Saturday: 18h56

The girls return from their usual walk in their favorite spots in the city; Joana loves it _so much_. She is happy that she and Cris aren't leaving Madrid, she feels safe here; _knowing each corner of the city is quite comforting_.

“Cris, is that you?” asks her mother in the kitchen.

“ _Sí Mamá_ , Joana’s here too.” Cris’ mother rushes into the entrance.

“ _Hola hija_! How are you?” she fondly asks to Joana with a kiss on each cheek. Cris frowns, a little confused. _What’s wrong with her?_

“Fine, and you Isabel?” answers Joana with her usual polite and confident smile. _What a perfect daughter-in-law she is_ ; Cris smiles.

“Cristina, did Dani tell you when he would come back?”

“Why would he to…”

“Can you call him to ask him?”

“But _Mamá_ , you can ca…”

“Please.” interrupts Isabel, with a smile meaning “ _do what you’re told to do”._ Cris sighs and goes to call her brother in the other room. Joana feels that something is unusual, Isabel turns to her. “Cristina told me you got your driver’s license, congratulations! Are you looking for a car?” she asks, leading the raven-haired girl to the kitchen.

Joana is surprised by Isabel’s enthusiasm. “Thank you! Hmm… I wanted first to fix my father’s old motorbike and take the family car once in a while, but my mother said it would be easier if I had my own car. So yeah, we’re looking for something modest.” she answers with a smile, and a little proud of herself. 

“Camila is right, even if a car in Madrid is sometimes useless, it’s always easier! And have you found your apartment?” she quickly asks, giving Joana a glass of water.

 _Oh… This is where all this smokescreen leads…_ “Yeah, I found a calm area near my job, and there’s an apartment I like there. We’re going to visit it with my parents next week.” _Should I give it a shot? Yes, you’ve nothing to lose._ “I asked Cris if she wanted to visit it with us, is that okay with you?” asks Joana, trying to sound confident even if she is _freaking out_ internally.

“How about we come with you, huh?” asks Isabel, still turning her back on Joana. _Well, it was unexpected._ Joana is completely dazed by this question. Cris’ mother turns around because of her silence. “Don’t think I changed my mind. It’s just that Cristina has been pouting lately and I see that she is trying her best to show me that she’s independent; so maybe we could make an effort.” she admits. Joana can’t help but smile at that. Isabel notices and sighs. “Look… I don’t want to be at war with you two… Maybe it took me a while to accept the fact that my baby girl has a _girlfriend_ , but it’s really not about that, even if that’s what Cris thinks. No… it’s just that I think she isn’t ready, _at all_.” Joana is touched by her frankness but at the same time, she wants to defend her girlfriend, but Isabel gestures to stop her. “Joana… you seem responsible and everything, but Cristina… she still is a little girl sometimes. All the time she goes like : “I’m ready to face everything, I won’t drink, I will study because I found what I like, I won’t be alone with Joana, I’m not a child anymore!”; but truth is that right now she is motivated, but what about in 3 months ? When she realizes that everything isn’t so simple, what will happen? What if you break up? I mean, you’re so young… nothing’s sure, you know…” she sighs, rubbing her eyes.

Joana doesn’t know what to answer. She knows that Isabel is half right, _sometimes Cris is messy and childish, but she deserves some trust…_ “You know… One day Cris told me that sometimes it’s better to take things little by little, minute by minute; so maybe we could give it a shot, and if it doesn’t work, it’s okay, we won’t regret it because we did our best to make things right. I know sometimes Cris is a little irresponsible, but does that mean we can’t trust her for nothing…?” says hesitantly the raven-haired girl.

Isabel’s gaze is full of doubts, but she answers with a small smile “We’ll see next week.”

Cris suddenly enters the kitchen. “Dani will be back for dinner, he said he told you yesterday on the phone mom.”

Isabel sighs at her daughter’s casualness. “Well, I must have forgotten. You know Cristina, I have a lot to think about.” She and Joana look at each other, as if they both know it’s better to keep it secret for now.

\--

8th September, Tuesday: 10h24

Joana is trying to park her car full of boxes and furniture in the little parking spot in front of her apartment, well, _their apartment_. She gets out of the car and goes to open the front door for Cris, Isabel and her mother.

“Well done _Sapito_ , I really thought you were going to hit our poor neighbor’s car.” teases Cris.

“Shut up, you don’t even know how to turn on the indicators.” laughs Joana, gently pushing Cris with her shoulder.

“Fair point.”

Here they are, at the bottom of the stairs. “So… five floors with no elevator, huh? It’s gonna be fun.” declares Camila, laughing.

“Yep.” replies her daughter, full of confidence.

“Just our luck that the elevator broke down this week!” sighs Cris, already tired.

“And that we have no men to help us.” continues Isabel.

 _Yeah…_ They were supposed to move in last Saturday with their fathers and even Dani, but after two weeks in Argentina, listening to the talks of her racist/sexist/homophobic relatives; spending endless nights of insomnia; and barely talking to Cris because of time difference, was too much for Joana, _too much…_ She spent last week in hospital, trying a new treatment _that barely works_. _How to perfectly start a new chapter of your life, by Joana Bianchi Acosta._ “Sorry…” she whispers, lowering her head.

She feels Cris’ hand in hers. “Well then, if we want to test the Italian restaurant across the street, we should hurry and start now.” she softly says with a grin.

\--

“ _Joder_!”

“What’s wrong, _querida_?” softly asks Joana with a little laugh, putting on the table the box she is holding to approach Cris, who’s struggling to assemble a bookshelf.

“Nothing. Don’t worry. I’m doing great.” curtly answers her girlfriend. Cris is holding two shelves together with a hand and with the other one, she is trying to assemble them with a screwdriver. Joana sits next to her and slowly takes the two pieces of wood.

“How about you do it like that, huh?” she gently states.

“Well, I was going to do it before you arrived.”

“Of course, you were.”

Their gaze meet; Joana tenderly smiles at her girlfriend’s angry stare. Cris sighs loudly. “Sorry…” she murmurs, avoiding Joana’s look.

“None taken.” declares the raven-haired girl, kissing her forehead while standing up.

Cris looks at the _huge_ box Joana just brought. _Books_. “Wait, is this box full of your books?”.

“Yeah, why? There’s another one in the car.” confirms her girlfriend, confused.

Cris stares at the pieces of wood she is holding. “Babe, it’s never going to fit in.”

Joana laughs at her girlfriend’s concern. “ _Sapito_ , I’m joking.” Cris rolls her eyes and responds with an annoyed gaze. “I took this bookshelf because I had the same in my room. Don’t worry, it’s the perfect size.”

“But, why did you take all your books here? I mean, you will still go to your parent’s house and there must be lots of books you love at your work, no?” asks Cris, a bit confused.

Joana’s smile immediately fades. “Is that bothering you…?” she asks. _Fuck… Congrats Cris, now she is anxious…_ After more than a year of relationship, she is used to detect how Joana feels just by the tone of her voice.

“Of course not!” quickly answers Cris, standing up to approach her girlfriend. “I just want to understand you. You know, you still surprise me every day.” she tenderly admits with her usual bright and comforting smile.

Joana’s gaze eases a little, but Cris can feel that her girlfriend is still tense. “It’s just that I feel kind of… _safe_ with all these books around me. In each of them there’s a passage, a character, a story that makes me… _feel things_. So… when I’m… you know… empty, or… Anyway. They kind of soothe me and I don’t know how to explain it… but… it’s like… yeah, it’s like a good song you want to hear over and over; I like to reread books and feel again everything I felt when I first read it. They all have a special meaning for me.” Joana opens the box and takes out a burgundy book with white writings on the cover. “Especially this one.” she affirms, while opening it and smiling at the golden words written on the first page, which are always making her heart skip a beat. _Te quiero_.

Cris says nothing, in fact, she’s enjoying Joana’s peaceful smile. She tenderly grabs her girlfriend’s hands; it makes Joana look up. She meets Cris’ intense gaze. Time itself freezes for an instant. A warm and soft atmosphere fills the room around them. No sound, nothing. Just the two of them. Cris wraps her arms around Joana’s neck and slowly leans closer to press a deep and loving kiss against her girlfriend’s lips.

This kiss makes them feel a _huge heat_ in their chest, so warm, so comfy, so… _intense_. _It’s like being back a year ago, where it all started_ , in this pool; the cold water on their skins, enveloping them and making their purple and blond hair dance underwater.

“What a night it was…” whispers Cris, knowing that Joana understands what night she’s talking about.

“Yeah…” she responds with a sigh, that Cris wouldn’t hear if they hadn’t their foreheads against each other. She hasn’t realized it, but Joana is wrapping her in a gentle embrace, their bodies are like melting into each other; they are _making one_.

Her mind is _quiet_ , usually, it’s running and _it never stops_ , but at the very moment, _I feel serene, thanks to her.._. Joana decides to break the comforting silence of the room. “I can’t believe you’re going to live by my side every day now… I’m so lucky to have you…” she sighs with contentment.

“You show me the book and now you’re making me a declaration of love, I don’t know if it’s romantic or just really corny; but don’t worry, I still like you.” teases Cris, pecking Joana’s lips. It makes her girlfriend snort.

“Oh, because you just _like_ me?” asks Joana, falsely offended. Cris slowly pulls away to face her girlfriend. Her smile is bright, and her blond hair is like… _glowing_ , _and enlightening the room_. _She’s beautiful…_

_“Te quiero.”_

Joana is pulled out of her daydream by her girlfriend’s gentle voice. “ _Yo también_.” she murmurs in a kiss. 

“I see you’re already taking your marks!” laughs Camila, interrupting the two girls. Cris pulls away from her girlfriend’s embrace, blushing hard; it makes Joana laugh with her mom. “Well, I guess it’s a great way to start a new life, huh?” she chuckles, giving the couple a tender smile.

The two girls give each other a shy smile, but at the same time, an intense gaze. _Yeah… what a perfect way to start living on our own._


	2. New habits

Monday, 2h07

Cris wakes up in a jolt. Since they moved in, her nights aren’t that good; there's a lot to think about and she's been having more and more nightmares lately. She still is a bit asleep, but she hears noise in the next room; that’s when she realizes that Joana isn’t next to her. _What is she doing…?_

She gets out of their bed and slowly opens the door of the living room. She rubs her eyes because of the bright light from the lamp. Her girlfriend is sitting crossed-legged on their couch, leaning over her sketchbook, making quick and precise gestures.

“Go back to sleep.” curtly says Joana, without turning to look at Cris.

“What are you doing…?” asks Cris, with a worried tone.

“Don’t you see? I’m drawing.” she answers with the same sharp tone.

_Okay… that’s not good. At all…_ Cris crosses the room to enter the kitchen. She grabs two mugs and some milk. _One minute in the microwave… and that’s it!_ She returns to the living room and put the mugs on the coffee table. She grabs Joana’s favorite plaid and stands next to her girlfriend who hasn’t looked at her since she entered the room.

“What do you want?” asks Joana, still leaning over her drawings.

“Well, it’s also my couch; can you make a little room for me?” simply replies Cris, trying to keep a serene tone.

Her girlfriend sighs and moves a little. “I’m not thirsty.” she says looking at the two mugs.

“Alright, it’s okay.” answers Cris with a small smile. They remain silent for several minutes, sitting next to each other; Joana is still absorbed in her drawing and Cris is looking at her, but at the same time, trying not to overwhelm her girlfriend with her gaze. Her attention is caught by Joana’s sketchbook. _It’s realistic this time, it’s really rare. Wait… is it… me…? No smile… just a blank and kind of worried gaze. Why is she drawing me like this…? Did I do something wrong…?_

“Why are you still here? I don’t need you. Go back to sleep.” coldly affirms Joana, breaking the warm silence that was filling the room. Cris is used to this kind of cold comments, _but damn… it still hurts sometimes…_ She decides to remain silent, looking at her girlfriend with a supportive smile but with her eyes full of _tell me what to do_ betraying her. Joana sighs and goes back to her drawing. “Do what you want. I don’t care.”

_How can she always know what I’m thinking? But… she didn’t push me away again, that’s a good sign…_ Cris gets up and takes Joana’s mug to warm it up in the kitchen.

\--

Cris repeated this action _maybe seven or eight times_ , _I can’t remember_ , _but_ _it doesn’t matter._ The most important is that Joana _finally_ puts her sketchbook down and grabs her mug after giving it many discreet and shy glances for several minutes; Cris can’t help but smile at that.

She takes a look at the drawing that Joana just placed between them. _It’s gorgeous, all black and white, but with a few colors on the perfect spots_ ; _she’s so talented_. Cris feels her stomach twist. She sees again her girlfriend’s gaze darkening the day she received the answer from her art school, _well not just one_ … but all the schools declined her file without clear reasons. _No one understood_. Cris again feels the same _pain_ ; _the anger; the tears…_

“Do you like it…?” whispers Joana with a shy and hesitant voice, staring at her drawing.

“What…?” asks Cris, pulled out of her thoughts. _Cris, wake up, she is opening to you._ “Oh, hum, huh, yes, yes of course, I love it! It’s gorgeous _amor_.” she affirms with a bright smile, trying to catch Joana’s shifty eyes. “But… why do I look so sad…?” hesitantly asks Cris.

“I don’t know…” answers her girlfriend, still avoiding Cris’ gaze. _Liar… all your drawings have a meaning…_ “You really should go back to sleep, you have lessons at 8…” she murmurs with a gaze full of pain, that kind of looks that mean _I don’t want to be a burden..._

Cris remains silent and tenderly smiles at Joana; she slowly gets closer of her girlfriend. “Come here.” she whispers, opening her arms. Joana complies and lets Cris hold her, wrapping her in the plaid she grabbed maybe an hour ago now.

\--

Monday, 3h33

They are spooning; Cris is sitting behind Joana, holding her tightly in her arms, while her girlfriend is settled against her chest, drawing on another sheet; _it’s a little lighter, I think it’s a kind of raccoon and a hedgehog sharing a beer; seriously, where does she find all this inspiration?_ But looking closer, everything seems so dull and kind of… _yes… sad…_

Cris feels that since they moved in, Joana is more reserved about her feelings; she feels that something is… _different_ about her girlfriend. _Is that the new treatments that haven’t worked at all for 3 weeks now? Or is it just the new habits we still need to take that upset her? Arg… I don’t know…_

She’s pulled out of her thoughts with Joana moving in her arms, she is trying to grab her mug on the table, but fails miserably because of her embrace. It makes Cris giggles. “Hold on _Sapito_ ” she says, grabbing it for her girlfriend.

“Thank you…” replies Joana with a barely hearable voice.

In response, Cris tenderly kisses her on the cheek. It makes Joana intertwine their hand together. A warm and peaceful atmosphere is now wrapping them. Cris feels her eyelids getting heavier and heavier. “I love you.” she whispers in Joana’s ear, before letting herself fall into the arms of Morpheus.

\--

Monday, 7h02

A little tune is filling their bedroom. Cris feels a bit heavy, but she rubs her eyes to wake up. She slowly grabs her glasses and her phone to stop her alarm. “Fuck!” she lets out, seeing the hour. She hears Joana move in the sheet next to her. _Double fuck, I almost woke her up. Wait… why are we in bed…?_ Cris grins at her sleeping girlfriend. _Idiota… you had to put me to bed, huh?_ She gently kisses Joana’s temple and rushes out of the room to get ready.

\--

Wednesday, 20h34

Cris _finally_ returns to the apartment after a _long_ day at Uni. _Of course, because I’m in Psychology, all my classes end on the last time slot, between 17h and 19h, every fucking day_. _What a crap, why are we considered as a “waste” and useless university curriculum compared to Medicine for example, huh? Arg… anyway…_

“ _Holà_! I’m back.” she announces, while closing the door behind her. _No answer._ “ _Sapito_?” She frowns, confused. _She should be here…_ “Joana…?” she asks again, opening all the doors of the apartment to find her girlfriend.

_Fuck, where are you? You told me you would be back before me._ Cris grabs her phone and checks for missing messages and calls, _nothing_. She feels a jolt in her stomach, and a sudden nausea. _What if…? No. Just call her, she’ll answer._

After five attempts, she finally hears a barely audible tune in the bedroom _. Joana, please no…_ She discovers her girlfriend’s phone in the sheets of their bed. _No, no, no, no… For fuck sake, where are you?_ Cris starts to tremble, she feels a hot flash through her body and a rush of anxiety paralyzing her.

_No. Put back your shit together. Don’t stress, she must be fine._ Cris stands up and goes find the bookshop owner’s number that Joana wrote her a week ago so she could be reassured. _Come on… Answer me…_ She goes in circle in their living room, feeling tears coming and waiting for someone to answer her. _Should I call Camila? What do I do…?_

That’s when she hears a click from the apartment door. Joana appears in their living room with her arms full of food bags. She grins at Cris when she sees her “ _Holà guapa_ , how was your day?” she asks, putting her bags on the table.

Cris is speechless. She’s relieved, but at the same time, fear doesn’t leave her; her bellyache and nausea are still here. A tear runs down her red cheek. She is paralyzed and still trembling.

Joana’s face completely changes, her grin gives way to a concern gaze. “ _Sapito_ …?”

Cris takes control of her body again. “Sorry, umm… You brought us food, that’s great!” she replies with a fake smile. “Can you give me a minute and set the table?” she quickly says, locking herself in the bathroom.

She sits against the door. _What just happened? Why did I get so anxious…? Is it going to be like that every time I don’t know what she is doing…? I can’t let her see my anxiety; I have to control it. I don’t want you to think it’s your fault…_

Joana knows something’s wrong, Cris has always been _a poor liar_ with her. _What happened?_ She tries to find her phone in her pockets. _Fuck._ She rushes into their bedroom and sees the missing messages and calls from Cris. _She freaked out… because of me… I’m so stupid._

“Cris, the food is going to cool!” declares Joana, trying to get her girlfriend out of the bathroom.

Cris takes a deep breath. _You can do it_. “I’m coming!” She opens the door with a smile, but jumps in surprise when she sees Joana in front of her, giving her an intense gaze.

“Don’t think about lying to me, I checked my phone.” she starts, a little bluntly; she realizes it and soothes her tone. “Cris… Did you panic because I wasn’t home?”

Cris feels an indescribable ache tearing her stomach. _How can she understand everything so easily?_ She hugs Joana as tight as she can. “I’m sorry… It should be completely normal for you to go out without telling me everything you do. I don’t know why I got so anxious… I’m so sorry…”

“Why are you apologizing…? I should’ve warned you and not forget my phone… I wanted to bring your favorite food to please you, because I know it has been hard days lately... but I screwed everything up, because it’s always the same, every time I try to make things right, I fail. I’m so usele…”

“Stop. Joana, just stop.” interrupts Cris. “Don’t be like that _Sapito_. It’s my fault this time, you did nothing wrong.” Joana wants to say something, but Cris hushes her with her finger. “Look, this food smells _damn_ good and I’m _fucking_ hungry so let’s eat, okay?” She pecks her girlfriend’s lips and goes to open the bags on the table. “Wait, did you really go to the restaurant I love?” she asks, giving Joana heart eyes.

“Well… yeah…” answers her girlfriend, rubbing the back of her head, still a bit dazed.

\--

They are eating in silence, not that it’s unusual, sometimes they can sit side by side without talking for hours and just enjoy the moment and the presence of the other, but right now, _it’s different_. _Joana was in her mind the whole meal,_ scratching her head and barely eating her food. _She’s overthinking…_

“You could come with me.” she lets out, staring at Cris, but at the same time she doesn’t seem to be completely here. Her girlfriend frowns in confusion. “I mean, you could come with me to meet my therapist.” Cris wants to reply something but Joana continues. “I know you already met Mr. Gonzalez at hospital last year. He explained you everything about how the treatment works, but in fact the psychiatrist isn’t that important, the therapy is.”

“Yes, I know that, but Joana, we already talked about it, Mr. Flores thinks it might disturb you and all the work you’ve already done together.” calmly responds Cris.

“Yeah, but he also told me that if I really wanted to, we could give it a shot. Plus, Mr. Flores will no longer be my therapist… He is retiring. He suggested me some of his colleagues, and I’ve already met some of them; I think I might see Mrs. Rodríguez again.” affirms Joana.

“Wait, what…? Why didn’t you tell me all this before?” asks Cris, a bit upset. “I mean, Joana, it’s important for me to know what’s going on with your BPD, and now even more.”

“Cris. That’s why I’m saying it right now. I just needed time. Everything is changing these days; the treatment is shitty and I needed to feel safe and listened by a new therapist. I needed to be sure before I told you everything. Do you understand? And anyway, that’s not the point. I think it would be great if you met her; she could explain a lot to you. Now that we live together, you should know details that I can’t give you myself. Mrs. Rodríguez could give you tips… And I also thought that it might be great for your studies, to see what it’s like to be a therapist, you could talk about it with her, and you could also talk about your anxiety; I don’t want you to be afraid every day because of me, and I don’t wan…”

“Okay, Baby, breathe.” interrupts Cris, seeing her girlfriend being carried away by her nervousness. She takes her girlfriend’s hand and rubs it tenderly. “I’ll do whatever you need me to do, okay…? And don’t worry, I’ll manage to be more relaxed when you’re not home; but yeah, you’re right, I should prepare for _bigger_ moments.” she softly admits with a soothing smile.

“Okay…” answers Joana, avoiding Cris’ gaze by lowering her head.

Cris approaches the raven-haired girl and crouches down so that her girlfriend faces her. “ _Sapito_ … I interrupted you, sorry. You were going to say something else, tell me what’s wrong.”

Joana deeply sighs. “I’m scared.” she lets out in a barely audible voice. “I’m scared that one day you’ll realize that this isn’t the life you want to have with me. That BPD is too much for you, that I’m just too much. I don’t want you to suffer because of me. I don’t want you to stop loving me. I don’t want you to leave me all alone.” she says with her eyes getting teary.

“ _Sapito_ … what about _minute by minute…_?” calmly asks Cris.

Her girlfriend rolls her eyes and sighs in annoyance, letting go of her hands. “You perfectly know we can’t keep avoiding important conversations with this Mr. Wonderful sentence.” curtly replies Joana.

“I’m not avoiding the conversation. I’m just telling you how I feel about what you’re telling me. Look, we can’t predict the future; we’ll never know what will happen until it happens, but I’m sure of one thing, _I’m never going to run away_. It will be hard, I know that, but it’s worth it, because you are the only person in the world who makes me feel the way I feel when I wake up next to you every morning; or when I find one of your drawings in my bag; or when you call me just to tell me you love me and hang up without letting me answer so I have to call you back. Dealing with your BPD is just _one_ of all the new habits we need to get used to, some are funny, romantic… _sexy_ , and others are tough and demanding. It’s the way it is, and it’s okay for me. Trust me, I’m happy to be here, and leaving you is the last thing I want to think about. You have to understand that I prefer be upset because of you rather than not being with you at all…” affirms Cris with a tender voice, rubbing Joana’s hands and thighs.

“So… do you accept to come with me to my appointment next week…?” asks Joana with a hesitant voice.

“You’ve already prepared everything with Mrs. Rodríguez, right?” replies Cris with a grin.

“No…” answers Joana with a little voice and an embarrassed smile, avoiding her girlfriend’s gaze.

It makes Cris laugh. “Okay I got it; of course, I’m coming _guapa._ ” she fondly says, approaching her girlfriend’s lips.

“Thank you…” whispers Joana, before leaning into Cris’ deep and loving kiss. They pull away to face each other. “Eh… I’m thinking of something. Did you just tell me that you’ll do whatever I want?” she asks with a teasing smile.

“No, I said I’ll do whatever you _need_ me to.” answers Cris with a grin, playing Joana’s game.

“Well, right now, I _need_ you to undress _condesa_ …” admits Joana with a passionate gaze.

Cris sits on her girlfriend’s lap, facing her, while wrapping her arms around her neck. “I think I could do that for you, but I might need some help…” she whispers in Joana’s ear.

\--

Thursday, 7h14

_Last night was… well… intense. It’s the kind of night you want to live over and over again; with the caresses, the passionate but at the same time protective kisses, the giggles, the heat of her skin, the shivers all over your body, and her eyes burning with desire that could undress you at a glance._ _This kind of night…_ Joana turns to face her girlfriend. Her cheeks are colored with the purest shade of pink and her blond hair glows thanks to the small beam of light crossing their quiet room. _You’re so beautiful..._

“You know I can feel you staring…” softly groans Cris, grabbing Joana by the waist to bring her closer and to rest her head in her girlfriend’s neck. Joana can’t help but tenderly stroke Cris in her arms. She feels her girlfriend’s bare skin against hers and soft kisses on her neck, which are getting more and more ardent.

“Cris… You know I have to go…” sighs Joana, unwillingly.

“Five more minutes…” begs her girlfriend, still kissing her weak spot on her neck, while going down on her breast with one hand.

Joana slowly turns to sit on her girlfriend hips, while kissing her deeply. Cris’ hands are running over her back, trying to take off her tee-shirt. “Easy tiger…” whispers Joana, gently removing her girlfriend’s hands from her back.

Cris lets out a little moan. “You’re a spoilsport…”

“No, I’m just the one who works to pay your infinite showers and baths _condesa_ …” teases Joana. Cris snorts and tries to reply something, but her girlfriend stops her with loving kisses, followed by pecks all over her face. The two girls face each other, smiling like idiots. “I’m sorry… I really have to go…” sighs Joana, leaving Cris’ arms.

“Noooo…” Cris grabs her girlfriend’s arm, trying to pull her next to her. “Wait… I only have classes this afternoon, I could come with you!” she affirms.

“No, you’re not.” says Joana, fondly smiling at her girlfriend, who’s now looking at her with puppy eyes. _After more than a year, she still thinks it works on me._ She shakes her head with a grin and turns to get out of bed. This is when Cris jumps on her and hugs her tight.

“I won’t let you go so easily, _Sapito_!”

“Oh, I’m sure you won’t!” sarcastically admits Joana standing with Cris on her back, who doesn’t want to let her go. _“It’s worth it” you said… I hope you’re right, because I love these new habits…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Thank you for coming so far! I really hope you enjoyed it!
> 
> I wanted to write the first two chapters to show you what I want to do. Don’t hesitate to give me feedback and tell me if it’s worth continuing. I have a LOT of ideas, but I’m open to suggestions.
> 
> I don’t know when the next chapter is coming. I write when I’m in the mood and when I just take the time to do it. So maybe the next one is coming next week or three months from now, I really don’t know. (Oh and, these two chapters, for me, are long; maybe the others will be shorter or longer!)
> 
> Anyway, thank you for reading!


	3. What’s the point?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a bit heavier. I wanted to show the two girls’ doubts about their life choices, and I also tried to represent how hard it can be to live with BPD (Reminder: I don’t have any strong knowledge about BPD or mental illnesses; I base myself on readings and research I did by myself). Anyway, let’s start!

Thursday, 19h39

She hasn’t left her bed since yesterday morning. The food Cris brought her for lunch is still there, waiting for her on the bedside table. She is _alone_. _No strength. No desire. No emotion. Nothing._ Just her heart beating in her chest; her blood flowing inside her; goosebumps on her skin; and this _huge hole_ emptying her body and mind.

The door slowly opens; she didn’t hear Cris come back from Uni. “ _Sapito_ …?” whispers her girlfriend. Joana slowly moves in the sheets in response. “Hola…” softly says Cris, making her way in the dark room. She grabs the untouched plate and lets out a barely audible sigh. She leans over to gently kiss Joana on the forehead. “Do you want me to come in bed with you for a few moments?” she tenderly asks. Her girlfriend weakly nods. “Okay, I’ll be there in a minute.” she murmurs before leaving the room. Joana can’t help but burst into tears the second the door closes.

\--

Cris enters the kitchen. _It’s not good… Joana isn’t a big eater, but damn, she barely ate since Tuesday morning… She even cancelled her appointment with Mrs. Rodríguez… Fuck, I’ll call Camila tomorrow if nothing changes. Anyway, she needs me right now._

Cris grabs Joana’s sketchbook, her laptop, the book she just bought her _that she hasn’t stopped talking about for the past few weeks_ , and muffins from the little shop they found during one of their walks in the city this summer. _The perfect “hard days” pack, she would say…_

“Can I switch the light on, _amor_?” she asks as she enters their bedroom.

“No…” answers Joana in a barely audible voice.

Cris puts everything she is holding next to their bed and lies down next to Joana, who turns her back on her. “ _Sapito_ … can I hug you…?” she hesitantly asks. _I don’t want to oppress you…_ Joana slowly turns to face Cris. She wraps her arms around her girlfriend’s waist and rests her head on her chest. Cris responds by holding her as tight as she can and playing with her hair, while rubbing her cheek from time to time and kissing her on the forehead.

They stay like this a few minutes, in silence, until Cris feels tears on her hand. She slowly moves back to look at Joana, but her girlfriend buries her head even more in her neck and doesn’t let her see her face. She feels Joana holding her tighter and tighter, while sobbing in her neck and hardly breathing. “I’m here Joana _…_ Calm down, I’m here…” murmurs Cris, cradling her girlfriend.

“Cris… I can’t… I can’t do this anymore… I don’t want to… It’s too hard…” painfully says Joana before bursting into tears again against her girlfriend’s chest. Cris doesn’t say anything, _sometimes it’s better to wait and let her sort things out by herself._ “I’m so tired… the medications are destroying my body; and my mind… it’s… everything is so slow and painful… _I’m in a nightmare and I can’t wake up_ , I just want everything to end, I don’t want to live like this anymore… I’m so tired of fighting something that will never let me go…”

“ _Amor_ … you can’t give up. It’s the illness speaking, not you. You’re stronger than that, I know you will go thro…”

“But what’s the point Cris?” interrupts Joana. “What’s the point of living like this? Locked in a room, crying all day, already missing job because I’m _fucking weak_. And for you, what’s the point of having a life like that with me? I mean, you suffer as much as I do. You keep everything to yourself, but I know you’re already tired of this… You deserve so much better than that… And anyway, you... you perfectly know I don’t do what I like… For fuck sake Cris… Ten schools and… and none of them even tried to take a closer look at my file! I’m so tired… I don’t want to live like that; controlling nothing…” she finally says in distress, coughing because of the lack of air.

 _Fuck… She has an anxiety attack._ “Baby… please sit. You need to breathe.” worriedly says Cris, helping her girlfriend to sit and remain upright. “ _Sapito_ , you know how to deal with this, you can do it, I’m here and I’m not leaving you. Follow my breathing.” she affirms, taking her girlfriend’s hands in hers.

She waits the raven-haired girl to stop coughing and to get her breath back a bit before saying what’s on her heart. “Joana, I want you to listen to me carefully.” she starts, cupping her girlfriend’s cheeks in her hands. “You are _not_ the illness. I know you’re suffering, and that it’s been painful lately, but I’m here to help you, to support you every second you need me; _no exception_. This is how a couple works, we protect each other. And _amor_ , you already dealt with so much worse times than this one, you can’t give up now, not after all you’ve been through. And the point of staying alive, is that you still can do whatever you want, whenever you want; because no one will stop you from doing it. Not these stupid schools, not the illness, _nothing_. When you’ll get better, because you’re going to get better, you’re going to take your sketchbook and draw as you always did. You have to keep drawing and show people that you deserve to be listened to; you have to prove them wrong. _We_ will find a way to prove them wrong. Trust me Joana, you are the best artist I’ve ever met; your style is so unique. You can’t give up on your dream like that. Please, not you… And most importantly, _you are in control_ ; because you’re capable of telling me how you’re feeling. The illness doesn’t win today; _you are in charge_.”

Joana doesn’t answer; her breath is slower and steadier, but her whole body speaks for her, _she is exhausted_. Cris tenderly kisses her girlfriend’s forehead and helps her to lie down again. She stays next to Joana, stroking her hair and wiping her tears, until she falls asleep.

\--

Saturday, 14h56

“ _Holaaaa_!”

“Shhh! Joana is sleeping!” whispers Cris to the girls at her front door. She hasn’t seen them _for a month now_ , _except Amira, but Amira always has the exclusive._

“Okay, okay…” replies Eva. The girls look at each other with bright smiles. They jump into Cris’ arms and hug her as tight as possible.

“I missed you so much…” murmurs Cris in the embrace.

“Anyway, let’s not get emotional, we have to call Nora!” enthusiastically says Eva.

“Well, maybe not now if Joana is sleeping…” points out Viri.

“Yeah… I’m sorry… You know how we’re going to scream the second we can talk to her. But maybe in an hour; she’ll be awake, I think…” affirms Cris, with an apologetic smile.

“She better wakes up; I bring her the guitar strings she asked Jorge!”

“Oh, Jorge huh?” teases Amira, Viri and Cris in unison.

“Just shut up.” replies Eva, pushing Cris to enter the living room.

\--

“And you Cris, how’s psychology?” asks Viri with a bright smile.

“I don’t know…” replies Cris. The girls in front of her frown with concern. “No, don’t worry. I mean, I like what we’re studying, seriously, I never thought I’d say that one day, but I really love to learn all these things. On top of that, I met Isak and Sana; they are amazing, and probably the only funny people in the lecture hall.”

“So… what’s the problem?” asks Amira with concern.

“Look. Okay, I like psychology, but am I good enough for university? I mean, _me_? Seriously, what am I doing among all these smart people? And psychology, what for? Be a therapist? And anyway, if I pass the exam and _luckily_ get my _Grado_ , what do I do with it? I mean, I need a _Master_ to be a psychologist, but do I really want to go that far? I really don’t know; I should’ve done like Nora, a gap year in another country; or maybe I just shouldn’t study and try to find a job like Joana. At least, everyone would agree with this decision. _Joder_ … I don’t know, I feel… yeah… I feel a bit lost in all this mess.” sighs Cris.

“Hey Cris, breathe, you’re getting super intense right now.” lets out Eva.

“Eh… It’s normal not to know what you really want to do yet, it’s okay if this year is a crash test.” affirms Amira, a hand on her best friend’s shoulder.

“Oh, you think? I’ll let you say that to my parents!” laughs Cris.

“No, but seriously, Cris, I think you just need time, maybe you should wait for your first exams and results to make your mind!” assures Viri.

“Yeah… Maybe you’re right… But you know, I don’t wa…” starts Cris, but she is interrupted by the opening of the bedroom door. Joana is rubbing her eyes with her hoodie; _she can barely stand_.

“Hola…” she says with a husky voice. She takes a moment to take a closer look at the people in her living room. “Wow… There are a lot of people here…”

“Yes, I told you they were coming, remember…? But, sorry… Do you want us to leave the apartment…?” asks Cris with concern.

“What…? Leave? what for…? Oh, no, no... no. Don’t worry.”

“Ehi _nena,_ I brought you the guitar strings!” declares Eva.

“The what…? Oh the, yes.” says Joana, entering the bathroom.

“Umm, Cris? What the fuck? Your sleeping beauty sounds damn high!” laughs Eva, but Amira and Viri give her an _it’s not funny_ glare. She immediately stops, lowering her head.

“Yeah… The meds knock her out. She barely ate this week and she spends her entire days in bed; she can’t even find the strength to draw… It’s the third treatment they try, you imagine?” sighs Cris.

“But… shouldn’t she be in hospital rather than here then…?” asks Amira, confused.

Cris is going to answer but they hear a huge noise coming from the bathroom. “Fuck” she lets out, rushing to open the door. Joana is on the floor, trying to sit next to the bathtub. “ _Joder_ , Joana are you hurt?” quickly asks her girlfriend, checking her head.

“I can’t do it, I just can’t…” moans Joana, trying to take off her hoodie.

“Okay, calm down _Sapito_ , let me do it. Let me do it…” She soothes her girlfriend by taking her hands and rubbing her cheek. “Let’s take a shower, it will wake you up.” tenderly says Cris, removing her girlfriend’s top.

“Let me help you.” declares Eva, calmly crouching next to Joana. 

\--

Saturday, 16h03

“Sorry… Really, I’m sorry you had to see me like this. I know it looks like I’m in final phase, but, even if it’s not obvious, the treatment really helps me. And… Thanks to you, I feel a little better now…” slowly says Joana to the girls. She is on the couch, resting her head on Cris’ lap, who is playing with her hair.

“Eh… Don’t be sorry…” replies Viri, rubbing her hand.

“We’re friends, we’re here even in the worst moments.” affirms Amira. It makes Joana smile a little; she turns to give an intense gaze to her girlfriend, who replies with a soft grin _. Yeah, I know what you’re thinking_.

“Talking of friends, are we going to call Nora or what?” interrupts Eva. “With the time difference I never know when we can call her or not. Joana, you’re in?”

“Um… Are you sure…?” hesitantly asks the raven-haired girl, looking at the girls.

“Of course!” affirms Viri.

“Yeah, don’t worry. She’ll be glad to see you.” tenderly whispers Cris, kissing her forehead.

\--

Wednesday, 21h47

Cris sighs loudly, resting her head on the table. _Why are these articles so long…? On top of that, they are long AND in English. Joder, why did I decide to study?_

“Need some help?”

Cris jumps in surprise. She quickly turns to face the voice. “ _Idiota_ , you scared me!”

Joana weakly stands at the bedroom door. “Sorry.” she says, rubbing the back of her head and giving Cris a tender smile. _It feels like forever since I saw her smile like that…_ “What are you doing?” she continues, pointing Cris’ laptop.

“Oh, um, I have to read an English article and answer some questions, I didn’t think it would take that long.” answers her girlfriend, rubbing her eyes.

The two girls stare at each other in silence, shyly smiling, as if they were back to when they _flirted,_ over a year ago. “So… do you need help?” asks Joana again, almost laughing.

“Uh what…? Oh, no no no, don’t worry.” assures Cris, pulled out of her thoughts and giggling with her girlfriend. “ _Sapito_ , you should go to sleep if you want to be ready for tomorrow.” she affirms more seriously.

“Yeah… but I don’t really want to sleep right now you know. And um… umm… Can I have a kiss?” hesitantly asks Joana, avoiding her girlfriend’s gaze.

It makes Cris burst out laughing. “Since when do you ask for permission to have a kiss?”

“I don’t know… I don’t want to bother you; I know you have a lot of work and…”

“Come here.” tenderly says Cris, opening her arms.

It makes Joana smile even more. She sits on Cris’ lap and kisses her lovingly. They pull away and face each other, with soft grins. _Finally, some peace…_ Cris tenderly brushes her nose against Joana’s and pecks her girlfriend’s lips again.

“ _Bueno_ … I should let you work; I need to finish the book you found me, it’s amazing.” states Joana, kissing Cris’ forehead.

“Yeah…” replies Cris with a small smile, looking at her laptop, discouraged.

Joana notices it and bites her lower lip. “Is everything alright?” she asks with concern, putting a strand of hair behind Cris’ ear.

Cris gives Joana a sad and helpless gaze. “I don’t know if I should continue. I really don’t have the level to study… I mean, I understand this article and it’s _so_ interesting; but… there is so many people better than me out there, and they are so much more efficient than I am…” she deeply sighs.

“And…? Cris, you’re completely missing the point of studying. It’s not about being the best. It’s about enrichment, it’s about having a whole new perspective on everything, and it’s about… it’s about _yourself_ , about _you_ becoming an adult. You don’t see it, but I do; you are so much more mature than a month ago. And seriously, we don’t care if people are smarter, or more efficient, because _you_ have the best quality: _passion_. I see that you love psychology when you explain me all these stuff about our brain and everything. So, if you like what you study, then just… go ahead and enjoy. And don’t start worrying about results or anything else; because when you really like something, the grades always follow.” affirms Joana, rubbing her girlfriend’s cheeks. “Seriously, you’ve chosen the right path.” she adds, kissing Cris’ forehead.

“You think…?”

“Yes, I’m sure.” she replies with a tender grin.

“Thank you…” whispers Cris as she hugs her girlfriend. “Anyway, I should finish this quickly before I go crazy…” she sighs, leaving their soft and warm embrace.

“Yeah, two crazy girls in one apartment, what a mess it would be!” laughs Joana, standing up.

Cris looks at her with an annoyed gaze. “Don’t say that kind of thing.”

“I’m kidding. Hurry up, I’m waiting for you _guapa_.” teases Joana with a smile, winking at her girlfriend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, thanks for reading. I hope you enjoyed it! 
> 
> I know I could have developed the girls more, but I wasn’t in the mood and I really wanted to focus on Cris and Joana.
> 
> I was inspired, for the bathroom scene, by a French series called Mental, which talks about mental illnesses (I don’t know if there are subtitles, but damn, it’s really good if you want to learn more about mental illnesses, in a “funny” way). 
> 
> For now, I know I’m talking a lot about Joana’s BPD in this fic, so I think the next chapter will be a little softer and lighter. I don’t know yet. AND I don’t know if I’ll write next week, so be patient. Don’t worry, I really want to continue this fic.  
> (Oh, and thank you so much for all of your comments, you’re all so damn cute.)


	4. Bliss

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Two chapters in a row for your little gay hearts. Compared to what our beloved Miqhell shows us, I wanted to give our favorite couple soft and healthy moments.
> 
> (I saw the name of my fic on a tumblr for which I could die so it’s funny and amazing. So, I kind of feel real pressure when I post new chapters now! xD Besides, I didn’t know that my fics would reach so many people, I mean almost 600 hits?? Pressure guys, pressure.)
> 
> \--
> 
> In this chapter we have some moments of domestic life, and yeah, that’s it, let’s start! Hope you’ll enjoy!

Wednesday, 17h06

She is sitting cross-legged on the counter, enjoying the warm and peaceful atmosphere of the bookstore; smelling the mixed scent of new and old papers; and listening to the small talks that fill the room and to the noise of their old computer, which always soothes her. She is drawing the little old woman who comes every day, at the same hour, to take a cup of tea with Alberto. Each time she brings Joana a small flower to put it in her hair, or a snack she cooked herself. _She is so sweet and caring… I think her name is… yeah… Mona._

“ _Hola_!”

She is pulled out of her thoughts by a little blonde woman in a neon pink hoodie and denim overalls entering the bookstore. _Wait…_

“Cris? What are you doing here?” she asks in surprise.

“Oh, there you are! My last lesson was cancelled, so I thought I could come pick you up.” declares her girlfriend with a grin.

“But Cris, I can’t leave like that, I have a schedule you know.” says Joana, a little upset.

Cris frowns. “But… Didn’t you tell me that you finished at 17h because you opened the store this morning?” she asks, confused.

“Wait, what time is it?” Joana leans over to look at the clock. “Oh…”

“Yeah... It’s impressive how you become a dummy when you have books around you.” laughs Cris, kissing her girlfriend on the cheek.

“What did you just say?” asks Joana, falsely offended, wrapping her arms around Cris’ waist.

“Nothing.” giggles her girlfriend, before gently kissing the raven-haired girl. _The atmosphere is so warm and… protective._ “I should come here more often.” admits Cris when they pull away.

“ _Perdón_? Did you just say what I heard?” teases Joana, raising her eyebrows.

Cris rolls her eyes. “Just shut up... I mean, I feel kind of… _safe_ here.”

“Yeah, me too...” affirms Joana, looking at the silent room filled by a golden beam of sunlight.

Cris tenderly stares at her, contemplating her peaceful smile. _I’m so glad you finally found a place where you can ease your mind, a place where you feel yourself…_ “Anyway, hot chocolate?” she softly asks. 

“Hot chocolate.” repeats Joana, giving her girlfriend an Eskimo kiss. 

\--

Friday, 19h24

“Are you sure you really didn’t want to go to this party?” asks the raven-haired girl, arms crossed, leaning against the fridge.

“Yes, I’m sure. I wasn’t in the mood to go out with people who don’t accept my girlfriend, you know?” affirms Cris, cutting some tomatoes.

“They didn’t say that...”

“Maybe, but Joana, anyway, I don’t want to hang out with people who don’t understand that I like to party with my girlfriend. Plus, they say they want to be an “intimate group” and then they invite complete strangers with us? It doesn’t work like that with me.” she lets out, turning to face her girlfriend. “Can you move, please?”

Joana takes a step away to let her _grumpy_ girlfriend open the fridge. _Damn… They must have been really mean to upset her like that._ She waits Cris to turn her back on her again to slowly wrap her arms around her waist and rest her head on her shoulder. She leaves soft kisses on her neck, while slowly cradling her. “Well, spending the night with me isn’t that bad, I guess…” whispers the raven-haired girl in her girlfriend’s ear.

It makes Cris smile a little. “Well, if you could help me with dinner it wouldn’t be that bad, yes.” she affirms, trying to still sound upset, but miserably failing.

Joana laughs in her hair. “Well, I taught you everything I knew about cooking and you finally figured out that you can’t put oregano everywhere. I really think the student surpassed the master; you don’t need me anymore.” she teases, pecking her girlfriend cheek.

“Idiota.” sighs Cris, turning her head to kiss her girlfriend. “Can you at least set the table instead of joking around?” she softly asks.

“Sure, _condesa_ , but only if I have a reward _._ ” answers Joana, raising her eyebrows suggestively.

“Your reward will be sleeping on the couch if you continue like that _querida_.” replies Cris, with a serious gaze.

Joana gives Cris a half offended, half amused face, but her smile quickly gives way to a concerned gaze when she sees her girlfriend’s steady look. “No, you wouldn’t.” she worryingly asks.

“Ooooh, don’t underestimate me.” affirms Cris, still staring at the raven-haired girl.

“Okay, the table.” quickly says Joana, opening the kitchen cupboard.

“You, dork.” laughs Cris, tenderly looking at her girlfriend.

\--

Saturday, 21h21

Cris smokes her usual cigarette at their window, enjoying Madrid’s night birds who start their colorful and vibrant lives. She deeply sighs. _This day was shitty… I couldn’t even enjoy her company because of this fucking homework and, on top of that, I didn’t have time to finish it. Seriously, what a waste of time…_

“Can I smoke with you, _querida_?” asks a little voice right behind her.

Cris jumps in surprise. “For fuck sake Joana! Stop doing this!” she curtly lets out.

Joana’s grin fades. “Sorry…” she says, lowering her gaze.

“No… I… I didn’t want to sound that harsh… sorry… I… Oh fuck, come here…” she sighs, hugging her girlfriend. Joana softly lifts Cris, so her feet can’t reach the floor. “What are you doi…” she doesn’t have time to finish because of the raven-haired girl who starts spinning around. “Aaaah, no Joana put me down!” laughs Cris, tightly holding her girlfriend.

“Sorry, you were saying something?” asks Joana with a grin, gently putting her girlfriend down.

“ _Idiota_ …” murmurs Cris, before leaning in a soft and warm kiss. Her whole body relaxes _in a blink_.

“So… can I draw on your cigarette…?” asks again the raven-haired girl when they pull away.

“Are you sure?” Joana nods with confidence. “Okay… but I have a better idea…” she softly whispers with a teasing smile. She takes a draw on her cigarette and slowly approaches her girlfriend lips. “Come here…” she murmurs, before exhaling the smoke in a passionate kiss.

 _This kiss feels like… there’s no word that could describe it. It’s soft, and high, and pure, and loving, and caring, and warm, and ardent, and…_ Joana feels _shivers_ all over her body. She lets her hands wander over Cris’ waist and then gently lifts her girlfriend, still lovingly kissing her, her arms under her thighs.

“Joana… wait… the cigarette…” gasps Cris, trying to speak between the kisses. The raven-haired girl slowly leads her to the ashtray, enjoying _the view_.

Joana then pushes her against a wall and starts to leave kisses all over her neck and collarbone, while Cris’ hands dance in her hair. She caresses her girlfriend’s waist with one hand, slowly removing her sweater; but Cris doesn’t give her time to finish and takes it off by herself. The sight of her girlfriend’s bare skin makes her _light-headed_. 

Cris cups Joana’s face and gives her more and more deep and loving kisses. “You know… we… we have a bedroom _amor_ …” she gasps between each one of them. She feels Joana smile against her lips. Her girlfriend slowly pulls away and leaves a last soft kiss against her lips; then she gently closes the gap between their bodies to hug her and lead them to their bedroom, still gently holding her.

\--

They fall on the bed and giggle because of Joana’s lack of tact. She is lying on Cris; her long dark and blue hair falls around them, creating a _warm and intimate atmosphere_ , protecting them from the world. _The time itself stops_ , it’s only the two of them, staring at each other with intense and loving gaze, breathing the same air.

“I love you.” whispers Joana. Her chocolate eyes give Cris _the purest form of peacefulness_ she has ever seen in her girlfriend’s gaze. She slowly cups her face, still staring at her with her _soft blue eyes_. “I love you too…” she murmurs back, before leaving a tender kiss on Joana’s lips.

\--

Sunday, 10h37

Cris slowly opens her eyes. The first thing she sees is her girlfriend, sitting cross-legged next to her, drawing something on her sketchbook.

“Hola _guapa_!” tenderly says Joana with a grin. Cris answers with a little groan in the sheets. “Oh, I see. Mrs. Soto Grumpy isn’t in the mood this morning.” she laughs, kissing her girlfriend on the temple.

“What time is it…?” murmurs Cris, her head in her pillow.

“Hm… Maybe 10 o’clock, something like that.”

“What?” she lets out, quickly sitting in the bed and grabbing her phone. “Why didn’t you wake me up earlier?” she asks, a little upset.

“You needed to wake up early…?”

“Yes! Well no, but I needed time to work on my presentation…” sighs Cris, rubbing her eyes.

“Cris… You’ve been on it since yesterday morning, and you made me read it, it’s already perfect…”

“No, it’s not.”

“Yes, it is. Stop putting yourself under pressure like that.” affirms the raven-haired girl, a hand on her cheek. Cris mumbles in response, pouting. “You know what you need? A breakfast. And guess what?” Joana rushes out of the room and comes back with a huge tray full of… _well full of all the food that exists on earth, seriously, where did she find it all?_ “I prepared you a _real_ breakfast.” she proudly says, putting what she is holding on their bed.

“You…” whispers Cris with a grin, shaking her head, dumbfounded. She cups her girlfriend’s cheeks to give her pecks all over her face.

\--

“Do you know what these last few days remind me of?”

“Um… maybe the days when you came to sleep at my house for the first time? I think… I think it was the 1st of May, something like that.” answers Cris, grabbing her mug.

“You remember the date…?” softly asks Joana, giving her heart eyes.

“Of course, I know the date. Why wouldn’t I?” replies her girlfriend with a laugh. “Look, I remember, I was fucking scared my parents wouldn’t leave me alone in the house, because you were coming about 30 minutes later. What a mess it was!” she admits, sharing a grin and a conniving gaze with her girlfriend. “It’s funny that you’re talking about it, because I thought the same thing last night, and I even dreamed of it!”

Joana raises her eyebrows. “Ooh, you dreamed of me? Does that mean I’m the woman of your dream?” she teases, with a bright smile.

“Don’t start.” replies Cris, smacking her girlfriend’s arm and feeling her cheeks turn red. Joana gives her a tender smile, _but your eyes… something’s wrong…_ “But…um… why did you ask me that?” she gently says, trying to help her girlfriend to sort things out.

“Well, I… I thought about it all night. It’s like… It’s like all the same feelings and sensations are back.” admits Joana, with something unreadable in her gaze.

“Is that bad…?” worryingly asks Cris, carefully looking at her girlfriend’s behavior.

“I don’t know… I mean, this whole week was… wow! But… but it didn’t end well and…and… umm… well… I don’t, I don’t want to let what we’re living right now go the same way… I’m… I feel a little scared…” declares the raven-haired girl, looking everywhere except her girlfriend and finally lowering her head.

Cris softly places her hand under Joana’s chin to make her look up. “Look at me… It’s not the same situation. Maybe the feelings are the same, but we are not the same people. I didn’t know anything about you, but now I do.” she affirms, giving her girlfriend a supportive smile.

“Yeah…” murmurs Joana, still avoiding Cris’ gaze.

“Eh, _Sapito_ …” says her girlfriend, cupping her face with _her soft hands_. “ _Te quiero_.” _These two words… it always feels the same way. Butterflies everywhere, a huge heat in my chest, and this… this peace…_ Cris slowly leans to place a warm and tender kiss on her lips. _Is that it…? The “bliss” everyone talks about…?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! 
> 
> I know… This is soooo cheesy, but I don’t know, it happens! With all this croana/crisana content on social media (I’m sorry but they are sooo in love), I couldn’t resist giving them all these soft and fluffy moments. 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this chapter anyway!


	5. Imagine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See you at the end, I have tons of thing to tell you! ;)  
> Hope you’ll enjoy!

Thursday, 23h18

“How many children do you think we’ll have?” This question breaks the warm silence that was filling their bedroom after a _lively_ _evening_. Cris is resting her head on Joana’s neck, while her girlfriend slowly strokes her bare skin and plays with her hair. She slowly moves to face the raven-haired girl, who’s still staring at the ceiling.

“I don’t know, I never really thought about it before, you know.” she softly answers. “How many do you want?”

“I don’t know. Maybe two or three, but not one. Being an only child is boring.”

“As I see, you’ve already thought of everything, what about the names?” laughs Cris, rubbing her girlfriend’s cheek.

“Yolanda and Ximena, what do you think?” seriously says Joana, staring at her.

Cris’ smile fades right away. “Are you kidding me?”

“Yes.” smiles Joana, biting her lower lip. “Oh my god, you should’ve seen your face!” she laughs.

“ _Idiota_!” lets out Cris, smacking her girlfriend’s arm.

“No but seriously, imagine a little Cris with soft, blue _ojos de sapito_ , running around the house and driving everyone crazy. _Dios_ , I can already see your mother’s face!”

“Well, if I bring her a child now, she would kill me and resurrect me just to kill me again.” admits Cris. The two girls can’t help but burst out laughing in each other arms.

“Hey, by the way.” starts Cris, whipping her laughing tears. “I warn you; I won’t carry a child in my body. No way!”

“Neither do I!” affirms Joana, falsely offended; but _something darkens in her gaze_ , as she stares again at the ceiling. “In any case, I won’t give my ovums.” she seriously declares.

“Why?” asks Cris, looking at her a little confused.

The warm and peaceful atmosphere of the room gives way to a heavy silence. Cris slowly moves her hand to caress Joana’s arms. _You can talk to me…_

“Look, I just don’t want my kids to be like me, to have my genes, to have my blood flowing through their veins. I don’t want to pass on what I am. Plus, there’s a genetic part of the illness; I don’t want my children to go through what I’m going through; I don’t want them to suffer because of me.” Even though her girlfriend isn’t looking at her, Cris sees _anger and pain in her eyes_. “You know what, let’s just drop it; this discussion is stupid. Let’s forget about it.” lets out Joana with a sigh, annoying herself.

“Not at all. It’s not stupid.” immediately replies Cris. “The first thing we learn in psychology is that nothing is black or white. Genetics are insignificant compared to the environment. And you know what? I would love to see a little Joana, calm and reserved, sitting in the living room, playing guitar or doing something artistic.” she softly admits, kissing her girlfriend’s hand.

Joana remains silent, taking the time she needs to look at her girlfriend again.

“So… you’ve already planned everything, huh? _Mrs. I never thought about it._ ” she slowly teases with a lighter gaze.

“Noooo… Just shut up.” moans Cris, burying her head on Joana’s neck to hide her red cheeks.

“Yeees you did…”

“Okay, maybe I thought about it a bit…” she starts, settling on Joana’s hips. “But! We only talked about girls; what do we do if it’s a boy? Because my parents are so stupid about it, for example, my brothers are named after my grandpas.” she says, rolling her eyes.

“Wait, you have 3 brothers but only 2 grandpas; if I’m counting well, there’s something wrong.”

“Gabriel’s got my father’s middle name.”

“ _Dios_ , it’s so complicated… Look, in Argentina, it’s the same but worse. My father has 4 middle names and after the Acosta he told me there were 5 other surnames!”

“Hey, what about us?” lets out Cris, almost interrupting her girlfriend.

“What, what about us?” asks Joana, frowning in confusion.

“Soto Bianchi? Soto Acosta? Acosta Peña? God no, this one is awful.” The two girls giggle and exchange a soft gaze. Cris tenderly rubs her nose against Joana’s.

“Well… I like Soto Grumpy.” declares the raven haired-girl, biting her girlfriend’s nose.

“You, asshole!”

\--

Friday, 00h09

“Eh… This conversation made me think of something…” whispers Cris against Joana’s chest.

“Tell me.” softly says Joana with a husky voice.

“My mother told me they were having a dinner with her colleagues or something like that, and she asked me if I knew someone at Uni who could help them with the kids, because it’s in the evening. Maybe we could do it ourselves. What do you think?”

“Um… Why not…?” says Joana, a little surprised. “I mean, I like children… but in my family, they don’t let me get close of the kids because of… well you know. So… I don’t know, I just don’t have any experience...” she states, hesitantly.

“Well, it’s not that complicated, you just have to keep them busy. I don’t know, you could draw with them or something like that, or… finally dust your guitar and play something for them…” says Cris, raising her eyebrows suggestively.

“Don’t get too excited. You perfectly know that I’m not good enough to play songs for people.”

“Of course, you are! I loved it when you sang for me… By the way, why did you stop practicing…?”

“Because I’m just not good enough, that’s all.” declares Joana, a little coldly. _Okay… Don’t push her._ “But, do you know what I _really_ want to practice right now?” she asks, turning to face Cris, tenderly rubbing her skin under her t-shirt and slowly approaching her lips.

“I have an idea… But I think it’s better if you show me…” whispers Cris, an inch from Joana’s lips, meeting her intense gaze.

\--

Wednesday, 19h39

 _Why did I say yes? What did you get me into, Cris?_ They’re entering a large white room, decorated with some soft lights and pale colors. There are several tables full of food and drinks, _but above all, there are a lot of people…_

“ _Hola_ , I’m sorry girls, but who are you?” asks a fifty-year old man, looking at them attentively, a little confused. _Of course, a little blonde in neon colors and a brunette all in black with a denim jacket in the middle of suits; who wouldn’t notice?_

Cris is ready to answer but she hears her mother’s voice behind the man. “Don’t worry José, this my daughter, Cristina.”

“Oh, excuse me!” he blurts, offering his hand to Cris, giving her a bright smile.

“And her… _friend_ , Joana.” hesitantly says Isabel, with a crooked smile.

Her daughter’s smile immediately fades. _She did not just say that_. Her cheeks are on fire, and her gaze couldn’t be darker. “Girlfriend.” she coldly affirms. Isabel’s glare would have killed her if they weren’t surrounded by so many people.

“Oh… I see… Well you know, it’s okay, but… not in front of the kids, huh?” asks the man, a little awkwardly.

Cris turns to him and gives him the best forced smile she can. “Excuse me, but what do yo…”

“Yes, of course, don’t worry, we won’t.” interrupts Joana, offering her hand to the man, who firmly shakes it, before leaving the two girls. Isabel gives the couple a stern gaze meaning _we’ll talk about this later_.

Cris turns to Joana a bit upset, giving her a gaze of incomprehension.

“Please, don’t make a scene… It’s okay, I don’t care, really…” affirms her girlfriend with a sigh. “Plus, people are already looking at us oddly.” she admits, biting her thumbnail and glancing at the people in the room.

Cris feels Joana’s anxiety. “Babe, if you have a bad feeling, you can go home... I’ll manage it alone, really…”

“No, I’m fine. I said I’ll help you. I’ll do it.” interrupts Joana, a little more confident.

“Are you sure…? Don’t feel you have to do it…”

“Hey, is that a guitar?” asks a little boy, pulling Joana’s denim jacket, pointing her guitar which she holds on her back. Joana is completely dazed by this simple ask. _What do I do? I can’t even remember my name right now, how do you want me to talk with a little boy? Cris help!_ Joana looks at her girlfriend, a little lost. “Can you show it to me?” he insists. Cris gives her a supportive smile. _Don’t worry, go on!_ says her gaze.

\--

The couple manages the tumult of the children quiet well. Cris makes them funny makeups, while Joana shows them how a guitar works.

“Do you think you can play a song for us?” asks a mother with a smile.

“Oh yes, sing for us!” continues a little girl with brown curly hair, followed by lots of yeses and cheers from the other children.

“Um… well… I…” stammers Joana, trying to find Cris in the room. Her girlfriend appears behind other adults who have gathered around her after the cheers. Cris nods at her with a grin. _You can do it._ “ _Vale_. Um… I think the song I have in mind will please everyone.” says Joana, a little impressed by all these looks on her. She adjusts her strings and starts playing the first notes; Cris smiles when she hears them. _Oh, you’re such a sap Joana…_

_Imagine there's no heaven_

_It's easy if you try_

_No hell below us_

_Above us only sky_

_Imagine all the people_

_Living for today..._

_Imagine there's no countries_

_It isn't hard to do_

_Nothing to kill or die for_

_And no religion too_

_Imagine all the people_

_Living life in peace..._

Joana can’t help but glance at her mother-in-law during this verse. Isabel is looking at her with a regretful gaze. _I can’t blame her; I know she cares about me and Cris, even if she’s a bit clumsy sometimes._ Her eyes try to find her girlfriend in the middle of all those looks. They exchange a soft and knowing smile, as she sings the chorus.

_You may say I'm a dreamer_

_But I'm not the only one_

_…_

_And the world will live as one_

Everyone was silent during the song, a little dazed by Joana’s skills. Applause fills the room when she plays the last notes. “Thank you…” she whispers with a crooked smile, rubbing the back of her head.

“Ehhh, play another one, pleaaaase!” asks the same little girl with a bright smile.

“Um… I don’t really have other songs in mind… Well, I have one, but it’s a sad love song, I don’t think it’s the right time to sing it.” admits Joana with the same crooked smile, glancing at the parents around her.

“But it doesn’t make sense.” affirms the little girl. Joana frowns and gives her a confused gaze. “Why are there sad songs about love? Love isn’t sad…”

“It is when it’s over.” admits Joana, not really controlling her answer.

“But what’s the point of love if you end up sad because of it…?”

Joana pauses, softly staring at the little girl in front of her. “What’s the point? Well… the person I love would answer you: _Because you’ll end up sad because of it_.” she says with a small smile.

 _So, you have to make the most of it to face the sadness that may come._ Cris is staring at Joana, feeling her stomach aches a little. _She remembers it…_ They had this discussion a year ago, when Joana wanted to break up, fearing the pain that might come one day because of Cris leaving her. _It’s better to end it now, because the further we go, the harder it will be when the time comes, she said. It was a painful day, but also a necessary one._

“I don’t want you to be sad, you’re too pretty for that!” affirms the little girl, squeezing Joana’s cheeks with her tiny hands. 

“Yes, she is!” agrees Cris, smiling and winking at her girlfriend, who’s now a blushing gay mess. “But don’t you think she will be prettier with some funny makeup?” she asks the children around her.

Joana’s jaw drops. _Don’t you dare_. She glares at her girlfriend, who’s staring back at her with a teasing grin, while the children around them cheer.

\--

The room slowly empties, while she packs her guitar _. What an evening…_ “Hey, I have a question.” says a small voice behind her. _It’s the little girl from earlier, what’s her name already? Oh yeah, Sofía._

Joana crouches to face her. “Tell me.” she softly says with a smile.

“Is she your lover?” she asks, pointing at Cris. “Because she is always looking at you, and her look is the same as when my Papa looks at my Daddy.”

Joana is pleasantly surprised by Sofía’s statement. First, because she will have the opportunity to tease Cris about it; but above all, this little girl is at ease telling people she has two dads, _and Dios, it’s so sweet_ … Joana tenderly smiles at her. “Yes, she is.” she affirms, staring at Cris who’s trying to act properly next to her mother, shaking hands with Isabel’s coworkers and giving bright smiles. _They must have had a discussion…_

Her girlfriend feels the stare and turns to face Joana. “Are you ok?” she mouths with a grin and a careful gaze.

“I hope she won’t make you feel sad love.” says the little girl, poking Joana’s cheek. She responds with a gentle pat on Sofía’s head and a soft smile.

“Don’t worry, she won’t.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyyy, I hope you enjoyed this chapter!
> 
> I had this conversation with my ex-girlfriend once, so I wanted to show how soft, warm, and intimate an evening talk can be. I hope I made you feel that.
> 
> I thought it would be funny to make Joana a complete mess with children. I know that I make her perhaps a little too “fragile” compared to the series, I don’t know.
> 
> Yes. Imagine by John Lennon. But what would you sing to children? Especially when you’re surrounded by some casual homophobes AND your traditional mother-in-law. Anyway, I thought it would be sweet and of course, super cheesy (as if the last chapter wasn’t sappy enough…).
> 
> \--
> 
> Thank you so much for reading these two new chapters; I know they were perhaps a bit “heavy” and “too much” with the “couple thing” (I don’t know how to say it in another way), but I hope you liked them anyway!
> 
> This is what leads me to ask you something. Feel free to give me feedback, I really need to know if my writing is good enough, because I want to give you content that “you expect”. So, long or short comments are welcome! 
> 
> Anyway, see you soon for the next chapters!


	6. Eighteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now that season 3 is over, let’s pass the time with two new chapters guys! I took my time but here we are, let’s enjoy!

Monday, 20h54

“Cris, did you see my hoodie?” yells Joana, who has been noisy in their bedroom _for 10 minutes straight now; she opened every drawer four times, yes, I counted._

“Which one?” asks Cris, annoyed, lying on their couch and trying to enjoy the little free time she has tonight.

“The black one.”

“Joana… 3/4 of your hoodies are black.” affirms Cris with a sigh, biting her lips to hold a laugh.

“Stop making fun of me!” lets out Joana, entering the room a little upset. She deeply sighs when she sees Cris wearing the hoodie she’s been looking for. “Of course, you’re wearing it. Stop stealing my clothes!”

Cris replies with a falsely-offended gaze. “Well _querida_ , first, it’s not stealing but _borrowing_ and secondly, how could I know you wanted to wear this one tonight?”

“You’re such a pain sometimes.” laughs Joana, shaking her head in disbelief.

“I know.” proudly replies Cris, wrapping herself in her girlfriend’s hoodie with a grin.

“Eh… I wanted to ask you.” starts the raven-haired girl, moving her girlfriend’s legs to sit next to her on the couch. “Are you doing something with the girls for your birthday?”

“Maybe. They told me they want to hang out this weekend. And the people from Uni also want to do something, I don’t know yet. Why?”

“Nothing, just asking.” shrugs Joana. Cris hums in response, staring at her while narrowing her eyes, trying to read her girlfriend’s mind. “What?” asks the raven-haired girl, noticing the stare and avoiding her gaze.

“Why are you asking this?” she asks again, looking at her suspiciously.

“No, I didn’t prepare you anything if that’s what you think.” says playfully Joana with a kiss on Cris’ temple. Her girlfriend hums skeptically. “No, but… seriously Cris, I’m so sorry… There’s a lot of work lately; we’re already receiving a lot of stuff for Christmas and Alberto seems really tired... I had some ideas for your birthday, really, but I don’t know if I can do something for you this week…” sighs Joana, lowering her head.

“Eh… _Sapito_ , it’s okay, I don’t care.” affirms Cris, a hand under her girlfriend’s chin. “If I can see your cute little face and kiss you during the day, that’s fine for me. Don’t pressure yourself, okay?” she asks, pressing a tender kiss on Joana’s lips.

“Okay…”

\--

Tuesday, 21h28

Cris enters the living room, after _finally_ finishing to do the dishes; her girlfriend is sitting on their couch, staring at her phone which rests on the coffee table. “What are you doing?” she asks, confused.

“I’m waiting.”

“Wait for what? Your phone to do a backflip or something?”

“No, a call.”

“A call?”

“Yeah.” Joana turns to face Cris who’s now looking at her with a worried gaze. “No, but don’t worry, it’s nothing important. Anyway, it’s too late, he won’t call.” she states, standing up to meet her girlfriend. “Thanks for the dishes, I’m going to shower.” sighs the raven-haired girl, leaving a kiss on her forehead.

“ _Vale_ , leave the radiator on for me please.” asks her girlfriend, lazily falling on their couch.

\--

5 minutes later, Joana’s phone vibrates on the table. _Fuck, it’s always the same, they call when you stop waiting._ “Joana. Joana! I think it’s the call you’ve been waiting for!” yells Cris, looking at the phone. _Restaurant guy? What?_

She hears her girlfriend struggling with the shower curtain. _“Joder_!” she curses, followed by a huge noise. “Ouch!”

She finally appears in the bathroom door, _completely naked_. “Who is the _restaurant guy_?” teases Cris, showing Joana her phone with a raised eyebrow. The raven-haired girl tries to take her phone, but Cris quickly steps aside. “Hunhun, tell me.” she says, shaking her head.

“Cris, give me my phone!” impatiently lets out Joana, trying to grab it, but her girlfriend avoids her again, which makes her laugh and grin even more. “Cris!”

“Vale, vale.” she sighs, grimacing at her _unfunny_ girlfriend, who picks up the phone.

“ _¿Hola?_ Yes, it’s me.”

Cris slowly sneaks behind Joana and starts caressing her back, drawing random patterns with her fingers. “Cris, stop it!” shouts the raven-haired girl in a whisper, one hand on the microphone; but it doesn’t stop her girlfriend, who’s now wrapping her arms around her waist, gently stroking her hipbones. “ _Sí_. No, don’t worry.” tries to say Joana between the kisses Cris gives her. “Yes, thank you. Goodbye!”

“So… _Restaurant guy_ , huh? Who is he?” teases her girlfriend, kissing her weak spot on her neck.

“You’re impossible.” she moans, tenderly pulling Cris away.

“So?”

“It’s not important.” affirms Joana, staring at her and trying to sound confident. Cris playfully hums in response. “Anyway, I need to finish my shower.” she softly says, pecking her lips.

“Oh no no no, don’t think I’m going to let a beautiful _and_ _naked_ woman go away like that.” teases Cris, keeping her girlfriend as close as she can.

“Oh, and… what do you want to do to this _poor_ woman who’s _freezing_ right now?” asks Joana, wrapping her arms around her girlfriend’s neck. Cris doesn’t answer and pushes her on the couch. The raven-haired girl lets out a gasp and starts giggling because of Cris’ lack of tact.

“Let’s warm you up.”

\--

Thursday, 00h01

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY!”

Cris gasps and jumps with surprise, almost falling from the bed. “ _Joder Joana la concha que te pariò_ , you scared the shit out of me!” she lets out, breathing heavily. Joana bursts out laughing in front of her. “I hate you.” she curtly says, smacking her girlfriend’s arm.

“No, you don’t. Anyway, good night!” quickly says the raven haired-girl, pecking her girlfriend’s cheek and already turning her back on Cris as if nothing had happened.

“ _Oye_ , at least give me a real kiss!” moans her girlfriend, childishly shaking Joana.

The raven-haired girl turns again and stares at Cris. “Well, make up your mind, I thought you hated me?” she teases with a mischievous gaze.

Cris sulks and lazily shakes her girlfriend arms. “A kiiiiiss… pleaaase…”

It makes Joana smile brightly. She slowly approaches her girlfriend’s lips, letting one hand wander over her thigh and the other tenderly rubbing her cheek. She stops an inch from Cris’ lips, almost touching them, letting her girlfriend crave for it before giving her the warm and tender kiss she was waiting for. Cris wraps her arms around Joana’s neck and settles on her thighs. The kisses become more intense and ardent, as Joana starts lifting her girlfriend’s t-shirt. “Finally, it’s no longer illegal.” she jokes, taking it off.

“ _Idiota_.” mumbles Cris against her lips with a bright smile, smacking again Joana’s arm.

\--

Thursday, 19h28

“Cris, are you ready?” asks Joana, waiting for her girlfriend to come out of their bathroom where she’s been applying makeup _for… 42 minutes now_.

“Yeeees, I’m coming! But why did you ask me to wear a dress? No more secrets, tell me where we’re goi…”

Joana is standing in their living room, biting her thumbnail and nervously shifting on her two feet with a steady rhythm. She wears _a sumptuous long black dress and… high hills?_ _Her thin but at the same time muscled legs shyly appear under the flimsy and ebony fabric, which contrasts with her pale and bare skin but perfectly fits with her hair; and OH MY GOD, she is wearing a dress!_

“Mrs. Cristina Soto Peña, may I ask you to go to the restaurant with me for your 18th birthday?” shyly asks Joana with a grin, offering Cris her hand.

“You’re beautiful.” she lets out in a breath, dazed by the sight of her _splendid and unpredictable_ girlfriend.

“Is that a yes...?” hesitantly replies Joana, blushing because of Cris’ intense and amazed gaze.

“Of course, it’s a yes you idiot!” affirms her girlfriend, jumping in her arms and hugging her tight.

\--

Thursday, 20h57

“I still can’t believe you called the waiter to book an entire corner of the restaurant just for us.” admits Cris with a grin, amazed and excited.

“Well… I wanted us to have some peace… and yeah…” replies Joana, looking everywhere except her girlfriend.

 _You didn’t want to be overwhelmed, huh…?_ Cris tenderly rests her hands on Joana’s, which makes the raven-haired girl meet her gaze. “Eh, it’s perfect, really. I love it. Thank you so much.” she softly affirms, tenderly kissing the back of Joana’s hand, staring at her with a loving and thankful gaze.

It gives Joana some confidence; a small and relieved smile appears on her lips. “I have something for you.” she fondly says, staring at Cris, who’s now frowning in confusion. She leans over to grab her bag and takes a small black leather notebook out of it. “Here.”

“What is it…?” softly asks Cris with a bright smile, still a little surprised.

“Open it.”

Cris carefully takes the notebook in her hands, and opens it at the first page where a handwritten message awaits her:

_\--_

_Mi querida Madame, I heard that today is a special day for you. You must be very confused, so let me explain why you are holding this notebook in your hands._

_I know there will be a lot of hard times, when you will cry, when you will be angry, when you will be lost, and most of all, when I cannot be there for you. I know we said we would take everything minuto a minuto, but I need to know that, even if my future-self hurts you, even if my future-self is not by your side when you feel down, that you still can count on me. I need to know that I will still be able to be there for you, somehow. So, that is why I am giving you this notebook. It is a safe place, your safe place. I will fill it with whatever you want me to: drawings, quotes, sketches, texts, photos, poems, flowers, anything. I want it to be full of warm and happy memories, because I want you to remember whenever you open this notebook that even in the worst moments, there will always be love and hope._

_So… let’s start now, shall we?_

_Madame Joana._

_\--_

_PS: You are stunning tonight. Te quiero Cristina._

On the next page, lies the napkin where Joana drew Cris for the first time, before their very first kiss; it’s surrounded by warm tones and blue curves, perfectly suited to the atmosphere and the memory of that night.

A tear trickles slowly down Cris’ cheek. She raises her gaze to look at her girlfriend who gives her a warm and fond smile. “Happy birthday.”

“Thank you...” she whispers before standing from her chair and cupping Joana’s cheeks to give her a tender and grateful kiss.

\--

Thursday, 21h37

“ _Dios_ , if I could, I would have rolled to this door.” deeply sighs Cris, looking for her keys in her bag.

“I didn’t remember they serve such large plates…” replies Joana, holding her stomach and grimacing.

It makes her girlfriend laugh softly; _especially when you have to finish mine_. She opens the door and turns on the light…

“ _SORPRESAAAA_!”

“What the…”

 _They’re all here… Viri, Amira… Lucas, everyone from Uni, Dilan, and even Jorge, Hugo and Eva, who live in other cities now…_ Viri jumps in her arms and stops her rushing thoughts. “Happy eighteen years old!!”

“What the hell are you all doing here?” she asks when Viri lets her breathe again, looking confusedly at everyone, which makes them burst out laughing.

“You should ask her.” grins Amira, nodding towards Joana. Cris turns to see her girlfriend rubbing the back of her head with a crooked smile.

Eva tenderly rests her hand on Cris’ shoulder. “Look, we didn’t really know what to offer you, and to be honest, no one agreed on anything. So, your gift is that we go wherever you want, _which means: in your favorite nightclub_ ; and of course, we’ll pay your drinks.” she declares with a bright smile, winking at Cris on the word _nightclub_.

“So unexpected.” jokes Cris, shrugging and raising her eyebrows with humor. She looks at everyone in the room with a grin. “ _Joder_ , thank you so much!” she enthusiastically says, holding them all in a huge shared hug. After leaving this soft embrace, she turns to Joana. “But what about you…? You work tomorrow...” she sighs, a little disappointed.

“Oh sorry, I may have forgotten to tell you that Alberto gave me my morning.” replies her girlfriend with a proud and teasing smile.

“You…” Cris shakes her head in disbelief, before leaving a soft kiss on Joana’s lips. Their foreheads meet each other, while they close their eyes with a relieved sigh. “You don’t know how much I love you…” she whispers, rubbing her girlfriend’s cheeks.

\--

Thursday, 23h36

Hugo, Eva and Joana arrive at their table with huge trays full of drinks and a bowl with ice cubes and many bottles in it.

“I can’t believe you crossed the crowd without spilling something on the floor.” teases Amira.

“Wait for them to drink a few shots, it won’t be the same.” replies Cris in a laugh. “You remember Hugo?”

“Just shut up, I keep telling you, this bastard tripped me up!”

“Yeah, yeah whatever.” sighs Cris with a grin, lazily moving her hand.

Viri serves their drinks to everyone and stands in front of Cris, raising her glass. “Guys, I think it’s time to raise our glasses…” she starts but she’s interrupted by Cris.

“Oh my god! I knew it, you and Hugo are getting married!”

Everyone burst out laughing in front of the blushing couple. “Very funny, Cris.” sighs Viri, while the blonde proudly puts a strand of hair behind her shoulder. “I wanted to raise a toast to you, _idiota_. You’re eighteen, it’s a big deal! So… to Cris.” she says, staring at her with a bright smile.

“To Cris!” repeats everyone in unison, handing their drinks towards the blonde.

“ _Vale, vale. Graciaaas!_ But let’s drink these glasses now!” she exclaims, before sipping her drink to hide her blushing cheeks.

\--

Joana and Amira are sitting on a couch, watching the crowd dancing, screaming, laughing _and doing anything that young adults do in a nightclub._

_Joana’s been quietly staring at Cris with a blank gaze for several minutes now, repeatedly sipping her beer and scratching her head._

“I’m so sorry it had to be her.” she says in a grave and lifeless tone, still staring at her girlfriend.

“What?” asks Amira, confused.

“I’m sad she is the one I fell in love with. She deserves so much better than me.” she affirms in the same tone, looking at Amira with a _darker_ gaze.

“What are you talking about…? She is happy with you Joana, really. Not every girlfriend would have done everything you did for their partner.”

“Yeah whatever. I’m going to smoke.” interrupts Joana, before drinking her almost-full beer down in one go and leaving the room.

 _That’s not good. Should I follow her…? No, go get Cris._ Amira stands up and tries to weave in the crowd; when she _finally_ reaches Cris, her best friend jumps to hug her tightly.

“God, everyone is so fiery in this nightclub, I’m so glad we came here!” enthusiastically lets out Cris, kissing Amira’s cheek. Her friend replies with a concerned and hesitant gaze; Cris’ smile fades right away. “What…?” she asks a little worried, frowning in confusion.

“Joana went to smoke. I think it’s better if you go see her.” calmly affirms Amira, trying not to worry Cris even more.

\--

She gets out of the club and finds her girlfriend at the smoker’s corner, laughing with _random guys_. _She seems to stand with difficulty; is she… drunk? Damn, how many beers did she drink to go talk with wasted dudes?_

Joana sees her girlfriend at the entrance and fondly smiles at her. “EEeeHh guapaaa, you’re so beauUUuutiful, you know that?” she asks, hugging her, _well, more like falling into my arms._

“Oh my god…” laughs Cris at the sight of her smashed girlfriend, who’s now leaving wet kisses on her neck. “Hey baby, how many glasses did you drink?” she asks softly, pulling her away.

“2 shots.”

“Yeah, I know that. We drank them an hour ago, but after those.” she sighs with a smile.

“Um…”

“Okay… Forget it.” chuckles Cris, trying to make her girlfriend look at her. “How do you feel?” she tenderly asks, rubbing her cheeks. Cris notices a spark light up in Joana’s gaze, who now stares at her with a bright smile. _She seems fine, but damn… she shouldn’t have drunk like that…_

“Infinite.”

“Infinite? Sounds great.” replies Cris with a grin, putting a lock of her black hair behind her ear.

“Yeah.” agrees Joana, before leaning into her girlfriend’s deep and protective kiss.

\--

“EhhHHh, look at my _beauuutiful_ _wife_!” exclaims Joana, talking to one of the waitresses at the bar, while keeping Cris close to her with an arm around her neck. _Did she just…?_ Cris glances at the laughing waitress in front of her with a crooked smile. “She’s eighteen today, so make her your best cocktail!”

“Hey you two! Don’t drink alone!” interrupts Eva, slipping between the two girlfriends and hugging them.

“Oye, you know what? I’ve got an amazing idea!” starts the raven-haired girl, proudly staring at the two other girls. “Let’s buy a bottle of champagne for you.” she enthusiastically declares, pointing her girlfriend.

“Baby…” sighs Cris, a little tired of her energetic girlfriend _/child in this very moment_.

“What?” asks Joana with a grin, stumbling and resting her arms on Cris’ shoulders to regain her balance.

“Eh… calm down. Look at me.” tenderly starts Cris, cupping her face. “I don’t think it’s a good idea…” she softly affirms with a small smile.

“Of course, it’s a good idea!” exclaims Eva, jumping on the raven haired-girl, while hugging her neck. _Eva, don’t…_

“Of CoOuUurse it is!” repeats Joana, looking at Eva with heart eyes.

“ChAMMpAAaAgne!” they yell in unison, cheerfully raising their arms in front of a discouraged Cris.

\--

Friday, 4h24

“Shhhhhhh…” loudly whisper the couple coming out of the elevator with their index on their lips, before bursting out laughing in the corridor. They’re staggering; each girl trying to hold the other, while covering each other’s cheeks, lips and necks with uncertain and messy kisses.

“Wait Jo, I need to open the door…” murmurs Cris, pushing her girlfriend away, but leaning back in a passionate kiss a second later. She finally manages to find the door lock with her girlfriend hugging her tightly from behind and vehemently kissing her neck. “Why doesn’t the key fit?” she grumbles, desperately trying to push the key in the lock.

“Maybe because it’s not the good floor.” laughs Joana, pointing to the number written on the stairwell.

 _“¡Coño!”_ exclaims Cris, laughing with her girlfriend. “ _Oyeee_ , carry me on your back!” she asks the raven-haired girl, already trying to climb on her back.

“I’m not your horse.” affirms Joana, struggling to leave the blonde’s embrace.

“Maybe, but it’s my birthday, and you never said no before.” moans Cris, childishly sulking her girlfriend.

“It’s not even your birthday anymore!”

“Well I don’t care!” lets out Cris, jumping on Joana’s back. She loudly laughs with her girlfriend, who’s trying to climb the stairs without falling, while she pulls her hands over her eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for coming so far! I hope you enjoyed this way too long chapter!
> 
> Yep, I checked my calendar, the 12th November 2020 is on a Thursday! Yep, Joana being a complete child by waking Cris at midnight. Yep, Joana in a dress. Yep, Joana being a romantic sap. Yep, Amira’s pov. Yep, wasted Joana, and protective but not overwhelming Cris. Yep, Joana calling Cris her wife. Yep, Joana and Eva’s friendship. Yep, Crisana being complete dumbasses. And yes, Cris receiving all the love she deserves!
> 
> For the notebook, I saw this idea on tumblr that Joana would offer Cris for Valentine’s Day a notebook where she would only draw their happy moments; I loved the idea so I decided to take it, hope you don’t mind! (Oh, and I just noticed that there is the same idea in the fanfic Sweet Valentine, I’m so sorry!)
> 
> I still didn’t give names to the poor people from Uni (unless Isak and Sana in the third chapter, but it was more kind of an easter egg). I will think about it sooner or later xD (i.e. next chapter).


	7. Nightmare

_Monday, 8h22_

Joana enthusiastically hums the music of their speakers, as she brings Cris her plate. Her girlfriend stares at her with a playful frown and a teasing smile.

“What?” she asks, confused.

“You sound… joyous.” answers Cris, still staring at her.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” affirms Joana, frowning and avoiding her girlfriend’s gaze as she sits on her chair.

“Baby, you smile like an idiot since you woke up.” replies Cris _with a gaze clearly saying: you can’t fool me._

“ _Vale_ …” sighs Joana with a grin. “It’s just that… I met people in the skate park last week, and we see each other again today in the early afternoon.”

“You didn’t tell me.” says Cris, a little confused. Joana replies with a small smile and a shrug. “Anyway, I can’t believe you still want to ride even if you almost broke your arm the last time.”

“Well I didn’t; that’s why I keep going there. You know, you should come with us next time, so we can admire your skills.” teases Joana, receiving a falsely-offended glare from her girlfriend.

“Idiota.” chuckles Cris, shaking her head in disbelief. She looks at the raven-haired girl again, with a more serious and loving gaze. “Hey… I’m proud of you.” she affirms with a supportive smile, softly stroking Joana’s cheek.

“I know.” she replies with a bright smile and a thankful gaze.

_Monday, 18h18_

“Guys, where’s Delia?”

“How would we know? You perfectly know she never answers her damn phone.”

“Cloe, you don’t need to talk to me like that.”

“What did I say? I said nothing mean!”

“For fuck sake, would you shut up?!” shouts Isak in a whisper. “Seriously girls, sometimes you’re such drama queens. And Celia, Delia said she might not come because of her sister, remember?”

“What should I remember?” she asks, confused.

“Her little sister was diagnosed with BPD a month ago.” whispers Cris, trying to calm things down.

“BP what?”

“ _Dios_ … Are you really going to the same lessons as us?” sighs Cloe, rubbing her eyes.

“Well, speaking of lessons, I would like to listen to the teacher now.” admits Isak, annoyed.

“Instead of taking me for a fool, explain me what it is.” asks Celia, a little upset.

Seeing that the other two were too busy pouting silently, Cris decides to do it herself. “It’s a mental illness called BPD, for Borderline Personality Disorder; and basically, these people feel things time thousands and it isn’t uncommon for them to be impulsive, to have risky behaviors, or anger outbursts, or high vulnerability and low self-esteem, for example.” she slowly explains. _It feels weird to say things like that_ , especially when the people in front of her don’t know yet about Joana’s illness. _I can’t take the initiative to tell them; she is the only one who can make this decision…_

“But, why isn’t she coming anyway? I mean, okay, that sounds really hard to handle, but Delia can’t do anything against it.”

“Well… People with BPD _really_ need their close family members or friends to reassure them and show them they’re there to support them. I think her sister must be very scared right now, and it’s not a good idea to leave her alone.”

“Okay…” says Celia, a little taken aback by Cris’ knowledge. “But how do you know all these things?”

“Um…”

“Maybe because she read the ICD and learned her lessons, not like you.” sighs again Cloe, rolling her eyes.

“Yeah, I know, I don’t look like a hard worker, but sometimes I understand things here and there.” jokes Cris, trying to change the subject of the conversation.

That’s when her phone rings in the lecture hall. _Fuck, I forgot to turn off the ringer._ _Mrs. Rodriguez? What the…?_

“Miss, your phone.” sighs the professor, sternly staring at her.

“Sorry, I really need to answer.” she lets out, quickly rushing out of the room to answer. _“¿Hola?_ What…? Okay, I’m coming.”

\--

She enters the corridor and sees the therapist waiting for her. “What happened? Where is she?” she quickly asks, losing her breath and running towards her.

“Cris… I need you to sit down…”

“No, don’t do that kind of thing with me, just tell me what happened. Now!” she curtly replies, gasping heavily.

“Okay. We… we found her on the Manzanares’ side this afternoon.”

“Okay and? Where is she now? Is she okay?”

Mrs. Rodriguez’ gaze goes darker than it already was. “Cris… she drowned, I’m sorry.”

“What…? No, no, no. You don’t understand; I ate with her this morning and she was fine. It’s not possible. It wasn’t her. You’re wrong, they didn’t find the right person.” Cris struggles to find her phone in her pockets. “I’ll call her and she will answer me.” she affirms, messily searching her girlfriend’s number.

Joana’s phone rings in Mrs. Rodriguez’ pocket. She slowly grabs Cris’ shaking hands and takes her phone away. “She won’t answer Cris, I’m sorry…”

The whole world around her collapses in a blink. Tears run down her burning cheeks and a huge hole pierces her chest. “No… It’s not true…” she sobs, sitting on the floor. “It’s not true. She wouldn’t have leave me alone… she wouldn’t… please…”

_Cris... Cris. Cris!_

She suddenly opens her eyes and gasps as if she was holding her breath for several hours. _Someone is holding her and, and…_ “Don’t fucking touch me!” she cries, struggling and trying everything she can to leave the embrace.

“Cris, calm down, it’s me, Joana! You’re in our apartment, everything’s fine. It was a nightmare.” quickly states the raven-haired girl, who’s trying to immobilize her girlfriend and to focus Cris’ gaze on her with her hands cupping her face. “Look at me baby, it’s me, it’s me…” Cris looks everywhere around her, shaking and hardly breathing, her face full of tears. She finally meets Joana’s gaze and realizes where she is. She jumps on her girlfriend to hug her as tight as she can. “I know… I know… I’m here, don’t worry. I’m here… It’s over. You can breathe now…” softly whispers Joana, cradling her.

\--

Monday, 8h43

The two girls are in their living room, having breakfast together _as usual,_ _but in fact, nothing’s usual_. Cris is noisily stirring her tea, staring into space. Normally, they talk about the course of the day; or Cris complains about her teachers and the lessons of the day; or they talk about when they meet in the evening and who will prepare dinner; or they _just… talk… but right now,_ _nothing, just this awful noise of her spoon hitting her cup._

“You’re not hungry?” worryingly asks Joana. “If you want me to go buy you something else…” Her girlfriend doesn’t answer, in fact, _she doesn’t even listen_. Her gaze goes darker and darker as the seconds pass. “Cris?” she asks again, tenderly resting her hand on hers.

It makes her girlfriend jump in surprise. “I’m sorry _amor_ , you were saying something…?” she sighs, rubbing her eyes.

“You’re not hungry…?”

“Oh, um… no, you can take my portion if you want.” answers Cris with her mind elsewhere, pushing her plate to Joana.

The raven-haired girl keeps staring at her, noticing that _something is really wrong_. “Is everything alright? Do you…”

“Yes, don’t worry. I’ll eat something later, it’s okay, I’m okay.” interrupts Cris, softly stroking Joana’s cheek with a smile; but her gaze quickly goes back to her cup and her spinning spoon, her grin slowly fading. _You’re so bad at lying…_

“Is it about your nightmare?” tries Joana, rubbing her girlfriend’s hand.

“No… I said I’m fine.” she affirms, a little more coldly than the first time, nervously wriggling on her chair.

Joana bites her lower lip, not quite sure _what to do_. “Eh… if you had vertigo because you were riding a flying unicorn, you can tell me. I swear I won’t laugh.” she jokes, trying to make Cris smile a little, _but…_

“I’m sorry Joana, I can’t…” she lets out a hand over her mouth, running toward the bathroom.

_Fuck…_ Joana follows her, hearing her girlfriend coughing and sobbing behind the door she just slammed. The raven-haired girl slowly opens it, seeing Cris sitting against the wall next to the toilet, breathing heavily, head in hands. She crouches next to her, resting a supportive hand on her shoulder.

“Don’t touch me!” bursts out Cris, pushing Joana away. The raven-haired girl takes some step away from her, dazed by her rejection. She has never seen Cris like this before, _trembling, with her head bright red, coughing and losing her breath_. “Leave… leave me alone… please…” she cries between her coughs, hugging herself.

“No, I’m not leaving… Baby, breathe… Please, breathe… It’s okay, everything’s fine, you’re not alone, you can breathe… I’m here, it’s okay…” sobs Joana, _completely helpless_ , trying to take her girlfriend in her arms.

Cris struggles to leave her embrace, pushing her hands and arms, screaming at her; but she finally collapses against her chest, clinging at Joana as if she were a lifeline. “I’m sorry… I’m… so sorry…” she sobs, losing her breath again, grasping tighter and tighter her girlfriend’s shirt and moaning against her shoulder.

“Shh… It’s alright, don’t talk. I’m here, I’m not leaving you, just focus on breathing…” whispers Joana, wrapping protective arms around her body and kissing her head and cheeks.

“I, I… I don’t want to lose you… please… I don’t want to see it again… don’t let me see it again…”

\--

Monday, 10h36

The two girls are lying in bed, facing each other. Joana tenderly strokes Cris’ hair and cheeks, watching her carefully, trying to notice any sign of discomfort.

“Do you feel better…?” she asks softly. Her girlfriend answers with a weak nod. “I texted Isak… he said he will send you lessons tonight, okay…? And… Amira wants to come here to see you. I hope you don’t mind…” she whispers worryingly.

“Don’t worry.” slowly murmurs Cris. She closes the gap between their bodies and rests her head against Joana’s chest, weakly hugging her. “I’m sorry…” she sighs in her girlfriend’s shirt.

“For what…?”

“Everything…”

“Don’t say that… It’s okay, it happens.” reassures Joana, kissing her forehead.

“No… I mean… all of this… I woke you up last night, I screamed at you with no reason this morning, and now you’re missing job because of me…”

“Eh, listen to me…” sighs Joana, cupping Cris’ cheeks, trying to make her face her. “I don’t care about any of this; it doesn’t matter… I just need you to feel safe again, okay?”

“Okay…” whispers her girlfriend, hugging her tighter.

“Um… No pressure, really, if you don’t want to tell me it’s okay but… what happened in that nightmare?” hesitantly asks Joana. “I know you certainly don’t want to think about it again, but I want you to know that sometimes it’s better to let things out; believe me…” she tenderly says, not wanting to pressure Cris, but at the same time wanting to know what destabilizes her girlfriend so much.

“You died.”

“What…?”

“You died. I was in this fucking hospital corridor, with an awful ache in my stomach. Mrs. Rodriguez was waiting for me. She told me you jumped from a bridge and drowned; and God…” lets out Cris, barely breathing, finally putting words on her feelings and now hiding her face in her hands, where she starts sobbing again. “I, I… I didn’t want to tell you because… because I know you’ve been feeling good lately and… and, and I don’t want to overwhelm you by talking about suicide; I don’t want you to think it’s your fault, because it’s fucking not… But I can’t… It was so painful… I can’t hold it… I just can’t…” She bursts out in tears again in Joana’s arms.

The raven haired-girl is a little dazed, not quite sure _what to answer_. She just keeps cradling Cris in her arms, soothing her with soft kisses on her hair.

“You don’t have to keep everything to yourself like that… I know you want to protect me, but I’m here for you; our relationship isn’t one-sided. I can also manage your problems…” she affirms, trying to face her sobbing girlfriend.

“I’m so sorry…” whispers Cris, staring at the raven-haired girl with teary eyes, while cupping her face.

Joana tenderly puts a strand of hair behind her ear, rubbing her cheek. “Don’t be sorry. It’s okay… Everything’s going to be okay, I swear.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We all experienced this kind of nightmare that feels so damn real and that can ruin a day or even a week. I wanted to show that Joana is also here for Cris, even if I made her a little clumsy (I just like imagining her like that).
> 
> I know that I maybe made the dream a little too long (the Mondays in italic); but even if it was a dream, take the conversations as something real because I may use this information again in other chapters. I would like to develop Cris and Joana’s lives outside the apartment, so it implies Cris’ friends in Uni, and Joana’s encounters and her job. 
> 
> Maybe this chapter is a little “dramatic” and I know that sometimes this fic is damn sad (sorry xD), but I just write things as it comes, and I don’t know...
> 
> Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this new chapters. As you can see, I took a lot of time to write them, but I think it’s better, because in that way, I give you a way more qualitative content and I’m not in a rush.


	8. Small things

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn’t want to put these different situations in multiple small chapters, so I kind of gathered them in one “big” chapter. Hope you’ll enjoy!

Tuesday, 16h54

“Oh my god…” sighs Delia, holding a laugh as she pulls her head in her hands.

“I can’t believe you’re telling us this kind of super intimate stuff Celia.” laughs Cloe, with a little shade of pink on her cheeks because of her embarrassment.

“No, the worst is that she tells intimate stories in a lecture hall!” continues Isak.

“Roooh, but guys, we don’t care about people! Plus, I mean, we all did something a little stupid/crazy with our partners, right?” shrugs Celia, looking at the group in disbelief.

“Maybe, but not this kind of thing.” admits Isak, who’s followed by yeses and affirmative nods.

“You’re so unfunny; I’m sure Cris has some thrilling stories to tell about her and Joana! She seems so… I don’t know how to say it… unpredictable?” says Celia, waving her hand towards Cris.

“Well, yes she is.” she giggles at the thought of her girlfriend.

“Then go on! Tell us something!” enthusiastically says the red-headed girl, as everyone turns to listen to Cris.

“ _Vale, vale_. It’s not _thrilling_ like your story, but just thinking about it makes me laugh every time. We were on the streets and- well, this part isn’t that funny, because there was a kind of homophobic demonstration, but anyway- and uh, she- I don’t know why she had her rainbow flag in her bag, but she just took it and she sneaked into the crowd and started waving the flag in the middle of it. She was dancing, and screaming and- (laugh) she even kissed some men and women on the mouth; it was crazy. I mean, on her own, she brought total chaos to the protest; it was fantastic.” explains Cris, with a bright smile and sparks in her eyes as she remembers the date they had that day; _we have to put it in the notebook._

This story makes all the group laugh and asking for more details. “Hola!” interrupts a little voice behind Cris. _What the…? I know this voice._

“Speak of the devil.” lets out Cloe with a grin.

“What are you doing here?” whispers Cris after Joana’s impatient kiss, blushing hard, _because- well, kissing in front of 200 other students isn’t that usual for us..._

“I left earlier and I wanted to see you.” replies the raven-haired girl with a bright smile. “Oh, and I brought you guys some hot drinks! Cris always complains that the lecture hall is freezing.” she enthusiastically says, handing a bag to the group, while kissing her girlfriend’s forehead.

“Oh my god, I want to be a lesbian now.” affirms Cloe with a sigh, which make everyone burst out laughing. “No but seriously, she comes to listen to a boring lesson just to keep her girlfriend company, she brings coffee to people she barely knows, and she does it all with a bright smile after a day at work, just, wow.” she continues, making Joana blush a little.

“It’s sure that Carlos wouldn’t do that for you.” jokes Delia, receiving a soft slap on her head.

“Just shut up!”

“Eh, eh, eh anyway, she’s _my_ girlfriend, so calm down.” lets out Cris in a laugh, holding Joana’s arm.

“Yeah, yeah whatever. Princess Charming! Come sit here, you have to tell us your version of the story of you messing up a homophobic demonstration!” affirms Celia, tapping the seat next to her and Cris.

“What? You told them?” asks Joana, giving her girlfriend a falsely-offended gaze. The blonde shrugs, still a bit dazed because of her presence; she has never really mixed her two worlds before, _but of course, Joana always perfectly fits into the group; she’s way more open to people than before…_ Her thoughts are interrupted by the raven-haired girl’s soft gaze. “It doesn’t bother you that I’m here, right?” she whispers as she sits next to her, with a careful and a little worried smile. Cris shakes her head with a grin, before leaving a tender kiss on Joana’s cheek. _I just love how damn surprising you are._

\--

Monday, 15h46

The two girls are coming back from the grocery, hands full of bags, when they meet one of their neighbors, entering his apartment with a woman.

“How much time will it take him you think?” asks Cris with a laugh, as she closes the door behind her girlfriend.

“What are you talking about?” replies Joana with a frown. The blonde gives her a suggestive gaze, nodding towards the other apartment. “Ooohh… I don’t know. Wanna bet something?” teases the raven-haired girl.

“Um… One week of dishes?”

“Girl, that’s way too much!” laughs Joana.

“You’re saying that because you lost last time.” affirms Cris with a challenging smile.

“Okay, you want to go that way?” asks Joana, falsely offended. “Two weeks.”

“I give him 30 minutes.”

“You’re too optimistic, 45 minutes.”

“ _Vale_.”

“ _Vale_.” repeats Joana, mocking her girlfriend.

\--

Half an hour later, Cris smokes a cigarette at the window, while Joana draws multiple sketches of her.

“Have you finished?”

“Nah, I don’t know which angle I should take. What I tried is so shitty.” admits Joana with a sigh, throwing her sketchbook next to her and lazily sinking into the couch as she runs her hands in her hair.

“Eh… don’t say that.” softly says Cris as she sits next to her. “Um… have you sent your works?” she hesitantly tries after a little silence.

“No…” mumbles her girlfriend, lowering her head.

“ _Sapito_ … Why…?”

“I just think they won’t like them.” affirms the raven-haired girl, shrugging and avoiding Cris’ gaze.

“How do you know? You haven’t tried.”

“Yeah…”

“Look, do things as you feel… but- just try. It costs you nothing.”

“Yes, it does…” affirms Joana, staring at her girlfriend with a discouraged gaze. “I don’t know if I’m ready to receive negative answers again.”

Cris sighs softly as she rests her hand on Joana’s cheek, giving her a supportive smile. That’s when they hear _noises_ from the other apartment. Cris looks at the clock with a bright smile. “16h18, just on time! It seems that I’m free for two weeks; thank you _amor_.” she enthusiastically lets out, pecking her girlfriend’s lips.

“Fuck…” lazily sighs Joana, covering her face with her hands as she sinks even more in the couch.

\--

Sunday, 11h14

Cris is lying in bed, tenderly playing with Joana’s hair, who’s resting her head on her stomach, kissing her bare skin time to time. But for now, the raven-haired girl is playing with her fingers, as if her index and middle finger were a little man who walks on her girlfriend’s hipbones. It makes Cris smile softly. _She can be so childish sometimes…_

Joana moves slowly to lean on her elbow as she stares at a specific spot on her girlfriend’s stomach. “I’ve never noticed before.” she whispers, as she tenderly stokes the skin she is staring at.

“What?”

“You’ve got a scar…” she says, giving Cris a worried gaze.

“How do you know? Maybe it’s stretch mark.” she jokes, resting her hand on Joana’s.

“Cris…” replies her girlfriend with a sigh.

“It’s nothing important you know.”

“It is to me.” affirms Joana, lying next to Cris.

“Why?” asks the latter, turning to face her. It creates something really intimate between them. She puts a strand of hair behind the raven-haired girl’s ear.

“Because I want to know all the small details about you.” she affirms, with a serious gaze.

Cris raises her eyebrows, a little surprised. “Small details? Like what?”

“Well, for example, when you blush, there’s always this little area that never goes bright red; or you have this little beauty spot in the bottom of your back in a shape of heart; or when you start reading something, most of the time your rise your head after 7 or 8 minutes because you’re already bored; or… (laugh) there’s something really funny when you put your knives on your nails; you always start with your left index.” proudly admits Joana with a grin.

“ _Dios_ … I see you seriously did your homework young lady.” laughs Cris, feeling her cheeks heat up.

“I just had plenty of time to look at you.” affirms her girlfriend with a fond smile and an intense stare.

It makes Cris smile softly; she closes the gap between them to leave a tender kiss on Joana’s lips. “I think I was 6, or something like that.” she starts when they pull away, with Joana carefully looking at her. “Don’t ask me how they came up with this idea, but my brothers decided to play with the kitchen knives. The goal was to avoid the other when he tries to… well- cut you. Of course, I asked to play with them, but as you must realize, when you’re 6, you’re not as fast as a teenager, so inevitably, Gabriel cut me where you saw the scar. I won’t lie to you, on the moment, it really hurt and I was really scared; and unfortunately, my parents weren’t at home… so… I bled a lot before one of my brothers realized it was better to call an ambulance.” She nervously laughs when she finishes her story, while Joana stares at her with a worried and apologetic gaze. “Oh, and for the record, it was my first time in hospital.” she admits, trying to joke a little to make her girlfriend look at her differently.

“I’m sorry Cris… I didn’t want to bring back this kind of memory.” she sighs, rubbing the blonde’s cheek.

“It’s alright. It’s just that I never told this story to anyone before.” she smiles, trying to reassure Joana with a small peck on her lips. “Plus… It feels good to have told you this.”

The raven-haired girl gives her a small smile in response, before holding her into a warm and protective hug.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To be honest, I don’t know why this chapter is there; I had a lot of different ideas, and I wanted to do something “soft”. So, these situations don’t have a lot in common, but I decided to put them together to pass the time before posting other chapters a little more “well-made”.
> 
> I hope you enjoyed it anyway. I think another chapter will come soon, and then I have 2 other chapters that I already started, but I don’t know where I’m going with them yet. 
> 
> [I don’t know if you checked the summary, so I leave again my tumblr here: somilkyshaky. Don’t hesitate to come talk with me, about the fic, or anything else. I have some projects that I may do there.]


	9. Support

Thursday, 15h43

The two girls are sitting on their couch, back to back. Joana is enjoying her last day off before the whole Christmas period, by reading one of the books Cris brought her from the University library, _how convenient it is to have a girlfriend who studies_. In the meantime, Cris is desperately trying to learn her lessons for her exams next week. _It’s her revision week…_ _She tried to learn things earlier, since the beginning of the semester to be honest, but we quickly understood that it’s really hard for her to stay focused and learn something, even if she really loves it…_ _Plus, she has her period… and now, with experience, I know she doesn’t live them the best way… Poor baby girl…_

“ _Sapito_ …?” sighs Cris, letting her arm fall next to her.

“Yes baby?” replies the raven haired-girl, taking her girlfriend’s hand and softly rubbing it.

“I think I finished this chapter; can I recite it to you…?” she asks, turning to face her girlfriend.

“Of course.” affirms Joana, doing the same, as she puts down her book. “How do you feel?” she says with a supportive smile, putting a strand of hair behind Cris’ ear.

“Dying. Is that a good answer?”

Joana laughs softly, but she feels something ache in her chest. _I never saw you get into such a state for an exam…You look so tired…_ “Maybe you should take a little pause…?” she suggests, worryingly looking at her girlfriend.

“No Joana, I don’t have time for this. Can we start please?” she sighs, a little coldly.

\--

The first five minutes were really good, Cris pretty much remembered everything and fluidly explained Joana how the different types of emotional attachment work, but then she slowly curled up as she started not saying everything that was written on her revision sheet; and now she is sighing loudly in her knees, her hands on her head, saying nothing.

“Why do those fucking exams fall in December? Seriously, all the other curriculums fall in January.” she lets out, breaking the silence Joana was giving her.

“What about Medicine? Didn’t you tell me Cloe’s boyfriend was passing exams the same week as yours?”

“They don’t count.”

“Why?” giggles Joana, frowning in confusion.

“Because they already choose to suffer every day.” replies Cris, shrugging.

“That’s rude.” she laughs at the blonde’s comment.

“No. that’s true.” affirms her girlfriend, smiling at the raven haired-girl laugh. “No, but- more seriously, Joana… I realize I have no chance to succeed... whether it be in December or in January.” she sighs deeply with her smile fading, slowly shaking her head.

“Why?” asks Joana, staring at her.

“Well, look at me. What I’m trying to recite you may fall on Monday’s exam and I can’t even remember the third page of my lesson.”

“And?”

“What and…?”

“You’ve got 3 days left. You almost finished all of your other chapters. You’re on time.” affirms the raven-haired girl, still staring at Cris.

“I don’t know Joana…”

“You don’t make sense. What’s wrong?” she interrupts. Her girlfriend is a little taken aback by the question, and remains silent as she avoids Joana’s gaze. “Okay, it confirms that something’s wrong. Tell me.” she continues, awaiting Cris’ answer.

“I don’t want to do it anymore.” mumbles Cris, as she bites her lower lip.

“Why?” asks Joana, with the same serious tone; but her girlfriend doesn’t reply, still staring into space. “Cris, tell me. Why?”

The blonde stares at her with teary eyes. _I hate this look…_ “Because maybe I’m not good enough.”

“Yes, you are.”

“No, maybe I’m not.”

“Yes, you are.”

“Maybe I’m not…”

“You are.”

“Maybe- maybe my mother is right from the beginning. Maybe I’m one of those people who are just meant to fail, who are meant to give up on whatever they try to do. Maybe I’m one of those people who, no matter how much they love what they’re doing, aren’t good enough to continue. That’s the way it is. And look, if I stop now, I could find something else, maybe something I’m really supposed to do.” she sobs, trying to hold her tears.

Joana is staring at her in silence, with the same serious gaze. “You’re a baby.”

“ _Perdón?”_ asks Cris, her eyes wide open, amazed and not expecting what her girlfriend just told her.

“You’re a baby. Since when do you listen to your mother? Since when Cristina Soto Peña listens to someone else than herself? I don’t care if you are _one of those people_. You are you. My girlfriend. And my girlfriend always proves people they are wrong.” she affirms with a soft grin as she sees Cris giving her a faint smile. She stands up from the couch and offers her hands to the blonde. “So, now you’re going to take a pause of 30 minutes with me, and we’re going to eat muffins, drink hot chocolate, cuddle and kiss each other; and then you’re going to learn the last chapters you need to; and next week you’ll rock those fucking exams. Am I clear enough?”

Cris is looking at Joana with some tears tricking down her cheeks. In one sentence, her girlfriend made the pressure she felt for several days leave her in the blink of an eye. “Okay…” she murmurs with a small smile, holding the raven-haired girl’s hands.

Joana lifts Cris to hold her in her arms, one arm under her knees and the other surrounding her chest. The blonde lets out a small gasp of surprise, and giggles softly as she tightly wraps her arms around her girlfriend’s neck. “So, Mrs. Soto Peña, where do we start?” asks Joana with a playful smile.

“Right now, I think I need a kiss.” admits the blonde with a grin.

“ _Vale_. A kiss.” whispers Joana, before tenderly meeting her girlfriend’s lips.

\--

Saturday, 9h03

“How do you two survive without rice?” sighs Amira, shaking her head in disbelief, as she closes one of the cupboards of the kitchen.

“Cris says I always overcook it and that she’s tired of eating _gross_ food.” replies Joana, quoting the word “gross” with her fingers.

“Period?” asks Amira with a grin, looking at the raven-haired girl who’s sitting on the counter.

“Yeah.” she laughs, exchanging a knowing smile with her friend. _Friend… I like how it sounds._

“ _Vale_. And you? How do you feel?” continues Amira with a more serious gaze, _but it’s still so comforting and caring_.

“I feel fine.” affirms the raven-haired girl with a small shrug, emphasizing her feeling with slow nods. The other is staring at her in silence, perfectly knowing it’s not the truth. “Okay, yeah, maybe I feel a little tense. It just- upsets me that I can’t do anything for her. Seriously, you’re coming here to take care of her in my place.”

“Joana, I’m not here to _take care_ of her; I’m just here to help her stay focused and calm while you go to work. And talking about it, you should already have left.”

“Yeah…” mumbles Joana, lowering her gaze, not really convinced by her friend’s words.

Amira approaches her and gently rests her hand on her arm. “Eh… We both know how she is; she ju…”

“What are you two doing? You’re talking again behind my back? You already decided, _against my will,_ it was better to babysit me- because, well, I suppose I’m not capable of staying alone more than an hour- and now you’re planning- what? To go to the exams in my place?” interrupts Cris with a deep sigh and an annoyed gaze as she enters the kitchen.

Joana meets Amira’s stare who’s now playfully grimacing at her, rolling her eyes.

“I should leave before someone gets kill.” jokes Joana as she goes to leave a tender kiss on Cris’ forehead.

“Hmmm… Have a good day.” mumbles her girlfriend, with a small pout.

“You too, love you. See you tonight Amira.” she teases, as she exchanges a last conniving gaze with her and mouths with a grin “Good luck.”

\--

Saturday, 20h12

Cris is softly sleeping in Amira’s arms, when Joana comes back home.

“ _Hola_ …” she whispers as she approaches the two women. “Did you two already eat? I bought us food.” she continues, stroking Cris’ hair.

“No, but I think we shouldn’t wake her up.” admits Amira, fondly smiling as she watches Joana giving her best friend a caring and loving gaze. _They’re way too sweet together_.

“Okay, let me take her to bed.” says the raven-haired girl, lifting her girlfriend in her arms, before taking her to their bedroom.

\--

“So, you’re telling me this client stayed more than an hour in the shop to buy you nothing in the end?” laughs Amira as she takes another bite.

“Yes. And the worst is that he made me search for, at least, 84 books. I swear, I thought I was going to slap him; he was so condescending!” affirms Joana, gesturing wide with her arms during her explanation. It makes her smile brightly when Amira starts giggling, but at the same time, she feels something ache in her body. “We should do it more often.” she continues with a melancholic gaze.

“What?” asks Amira, feeling the mood changing.

“Seeing each other. The three of us used to hang out so much more before.” says Joana, looking at the bedroom door.

“I know…” sighs the other, lowering her gaze.

“Though, when I called you yesterday, you didn’t hesitate a second. Seriously, Amira… we don’t deserve you, or at least, I don’t.” affirms the raven-haired girl, looking back at her with a sad gaze.

“Don’t say that… I’m always here for you because you’re always here for me. And yes, maybe we don’t see each other as much as we used to, but- it doesn’t change our friendship, right?” replies Amira, softly rubbing Joana’s arm.

It makes her smile a little. “Well… does that mean we’re best _buds_ now?” she playfully asks.

“We already were.” affirms Amira, giving her a bright smile. “But yes, best buds.”

\--

Monday, 7h36

“It’s so ridiculous to come with you.” sighs Cris, covering her eyes with one hand, as they approach the lecture hall.

“Well, you asked me to.” replies Joana with a smirk.

“Yeah but you could’ve reminded me it was a bad idea! It feels like I’m back to primary school when my mother was taking me there every morning.”

“Thank you for comparing me to your mother. I take it very well.” jokes Joana, giving her girlfriend a falsely-offended gaze.

“ _Idiota_.” laughs Cris, holding her arm and resting her head on her shoulder.

They stop some meters away from the other students. Joana is staring at Cris who’s showing a lot of her own nervous gesture; _I can’t believe she took some of mine_. Cris turns and meets her gaze; the raven-haired girl can’t help but grin at her messy girlfriend. “Come here.” she says softly, opening her arms. It makes Cris giggle at her own attitude.

“Seriously, me? Stressing for an exam? I can’t believe it.” she muffles in Joana’s neck with a laugh.

“Neither do I.” she chuckles, kissing her cheek. “I’m sorry _querida_ , but I really should go; Alberto needs me. A kiss for good luck?”

“Yeah.” sighs Cris, as she meets her girlfriend’s lips. She feels Joana closing the gap between their bodies, as she wraps her arms around her waist. This soft but at the same time tight embrace makes her forget for a second everything that’s coming. The raven-haired girl tenderly rests her forehead on Cris’, as they stare at each other.

“Eh, I’m proud of you, okay?” she whispers, with a loving gaze. Her girlfriend answers with a small nod. Joana kisses her forehead as she pulls away. “Bye. Oh, and if you need- I know you won’t do it because you’re too stubborn for that, but- I like to remind you that you can call me.” she affirms with a bright smile, as she crosses the road to get into her car.

Cris watches her leaving the parking spot with a grin. _Seriously, how can she make me smile all the time like an idiot?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, I hope you enjoyed! I don’t have a lot to say about this chapter; I’m just trying things, I guess.
> 
> I like to do these small moments between Joana and Amira, well to be honest, it’s also my hopes for the next season (if we have the chance to see it one day xD).
> 
> I don’t think the next chapters will come out soon. I’m sorry about that, but I need to think more about how to do things; and yeah, just be patient and don’t worry. I still have a lot to bring to this fic! Anyway, see you soon :)


	10. Family

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As the tittle says it; this chapter is about the two girls going back to their family for Christmas (I let you discover the rest with your reading!)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Prepare yourself for a “almost 7000 words” new chapter xD Yeah, I know, I completely lost it this time, but I’m pretty satisfied of this one! 
> 
> Hope you’ll enjoy!

Saturday, 20h28

Cris’ back hits their bedroom door with a thud, as Joana messily tries to find the handle, keeping her girlfriend as close as she can, still vehemently kissing her lips, neck and cheeks. After Cris’ revision and exam weeks and Joana’s infinite days at work, they can _finally_ _enjoy_ each other.

The blonde’s hands find their way under her girlfriend’s t-shirt, as she urges her to raise her arms, before pushing her on the bed and leaving the raven-haired girl dumbstruck. Cris slowly straddles her hips with a smirk. _Her eyes burn with arousal, as if she were a tigress in front of her prey; I think I’m the prey_.

Joana promptly sits to leave thirsty and messy kisses on her girlfriend’s neck as she starts lifting her sweater. But Cris has already planned it in another way; she pushes down Joana on her back, holding her arms, intertwining their hands and leaving fervent kisses on her lips. Then she sits up again, lazily removing her sweater by herself, under her girlfriend’s eager and solicitous gaze. _Almost two years but her body still makes me giddy..._

Cris leans slowly to cup Joana’s cheeks, giving her softer and more intimate kisses. With one hand, she tenderly fondles her girlfriend’s neck, while the other brushes her bare skin, until it reaches her belt. That’s when the raven-haired girl chooses her moment to take back the lead; she swiftly moves Cris, so she ends up under her heated body with a surprised gasp.

“Don’t think it’s gonna be that easy…” she whispers in her ear with a smirk, leaving her hand wander between the blonde’s thighs. Cris moans softly as she feels goosebumps all over her body, thanks to Joana’s small bites and kisses on the weak spot of her neck. One of her hands dances in her girlfriend’s hair, while the other is lazily roaming on her back, trying to find the clasp of her bra. _Her warm lips against mine; her light sighs all over my skin; and her messy but perfectly placed touches; it feels so…_

Joana’s phone starts to vibrate in her pocket against Cris’ thigh. _Come on… not now…_

“I didn’t know I had this kind of effect on you.” jokes the blonde against her lips, still vehemently kissing them.

“ _Idiota_.” laughs the raven-haired girl, before slightly pulling away and resting her forehead against her girlfriend’s shoulder with a sigh. _I don’t want to stop this…_ “I should answer… it might be important...” she affirms, kissing Cris’ skin for the last time before unwillingly leaving their embrace.

The latter sighs deeply with a moan, desperately trying to keep her girlfriend close; but her phone also starts ringing on the night table. “Seems like they all decided to interrupt us at the same time.” she mumbles, rolling to grab it.

“Pfff… It’s my mom…” complains Joana, rolling her eyes.

“Fuck…” lets out her girlfriend with an annoyed sigh, staring at her phone.

“What?” worryingly asks the raven-haired girl, as Cris shows her the name on her screen. _MAMÁ_. “Oh… I don’t like this.” she admits with a painful frown.

“Yeah, me neither.” replies Cris, rubbing her eyes as she picks up.

\--

Monday, 10h23

_How strange it is to ring at your parents’ front door…_

“ _Hola_.” hesitantly says Joana, as her surprised father appears behind the door, which makes her smile brightly _without really knowing why…_

 _“_ You could’ve opened the door with your keys! It’s still your hous _e idiota_!” he laughs, as he comes to hug her tight. _I missed his arms so much…_ “Camila! Jo’s here! _Oye_ , what are all these bags for?” he asks, confused.

“Well, it’s Christmas...” she affirms with a grin, handing her father one of them; he shakes his head in disbelief with a soft sigh.

“How are you _cariño?”_ enthusiastically asks her mother, as she cups her face and leaves a tender kiss on her forehead.

“Fine.” nods Joana with a small smile.

“Good.” softly says Camila, as she glances at the bag her husband is holding. “Aw… is this for us? You shouldn’t have baby… Come here.” she sighs with a grateful gaze, opening her arms towards her daughter.

“It’s for Christmas’ Eve; so, don’t open it now.” she affirms, hugging her mother and staring at her father who’s already trying to look in the bag. He glances at her and slowly raises his arms in sign of surrender with a playful grin.

\--

 _I’m back in this room. It holds so many memories…_ Joana puts her bag on her former bed and starts looking at every detail from her room. _It seems so empty since I moved a lot of stuff to the apartment; especially without my huge yellow tapestry we installed in our new bedroom._ She starts brushing her desk with her fingers. _Poor table, full of graffiti and engravings. It used to be so messy; it’s weird to see it that clean._ She sits on it with a sigh, enjoying the sun from the window behind her, warming her back; and the _pleasant smell of old wood, paper and ink_ that always gave her room its unique touch.

_So many things are coming to my mind right now… I remember the tears the day of the diagnosis; the screams; the fights; the drawings all over the floor and on the walls the days I felt like shit; the endless insomnias; the holes I made when I used to punch things to calm down, that I’m sure Mom still hasn’t noticed behind the Pulp Fiction poster; but also the chill afternoons with my old radio; the calm nights in Cris’ arms; the butterflies in my stomach when I received half-drunk half-high voice messages during parties I couldn’t go to; and the times Mom and Dad came to help me deal with my tears, my vulnerability, my tiredness, my emptiness… All of this in this small room…_

A droplet falls on her hand. She slowly brushes her cheek and realizes it’s wet. _I feel so full and empty at the same time…_

“ _Cariño_ , when do you want to eat?” interrupts her mother, passing her head through the open door.

Joana quickly wipes her eyes with her sleeve. “Um… Alberto wants me there around 13h.” she answers with a small voice. The two women exchange a silent gaze, not awkward though, even if Camila is a little embarrassed for disturbing her daughter.

“ _Vale_ … I should let you take your marks again.” she says with a tender smile, before closing the door.

Joana smiles softly at herself with a joyful tear running down her cheek; _yeah_ , _I’m happy to be back here._

\--

Tuesday, 20h26

 _Damn… work around Christmas is so tiring, especially when people are so dumb and condescending…_ Joana hears her parents in the kitchen as she closes the front door behind her.

“Esteban _, ¿qué haces? ¡Pará! ¡Pará!_ You can’t put so much chili in the sauce!”

“Well _querida_ , there’s no point if there’s no taste.”

“How do you want us to feel the taste if you burn our tongues?”

 _They’re so playful with each other; sometimes they look like a young couple. They seem so much happier now that I left the house…_ “Hey…” hesitantly interrupts Joana.

“Heeyyy, there you are! Are you hungry _guapa_?” enthusiastically asks her father.

“You waited for me?” she replies, a little confused.

“Well of course; it’s better to eat all together.” affirms Camila, tenderly rubbing Joana’s back as she leads her to the table.

\--

“Yeah… I contacted some websites, some freelancers, and even a publishing house, by emails and phone calls. I’m waiting for answers to see if they want sketches or if they have special requests to test me. Cris is also trying to talk with some people at Uni who might be interested by my services.” explains Joana, as her parents are carefully listening to her, nodding and smiling to emphasize their concern.

“I think that’s great. Instead of waiting for them to notice you, you go straight talk to them. It shows you’re motivated. You’ll receive some answers; there’re no reason you wouldn’t.” affirms Camila, trying to reassure her daughter who’s been biting her nails since the beginning of the discussion.

“Yeah, it’s good you took initiatives, but… you have to remember that the most important is that people respect you and your works. You’re not a machine; you need to like what you’re drawing.” continues Esteban.

“I know… But I have to start somewhere, even if it’s not what I really like to do. Plus, I started thinking about a personal project, like a comic book, or- I don’t know yet. I have many ideas, many stories… I think it would be a good idea to draw about mental illnesses, like I did a year ago with the Instagram accounts, you remember? I should talk about it with Mrs. Rodriguez and Mr. González… I don’t know…” sighs Joana, puzzled by _so many_ options.

“Eh… you have time to think about it; go at your own pace.” says softly her father, giving her a supportive smile.

“Yeah, don’t worry _mija_ , you’ll find something; I’m sure of it.” continues Camila, grinning at her and tenderly rubbing her hands.

“I hope…”

\--

Wednesday, 11h24 

Cris is on the road to Zaorejas with Dani and her parents. They’re meeting the rest of the family and her two other brothers there. _I love going to my village… but not for family dinners, especially for the Christmas one… They’re just… too much._

“So _hija_ , when will you start to learn how to drive?” asks her father, making the blonde roll her eyes.

 _Of course… When it’s not the exams, it’s the driving license; when it’s not the driving license, it’s the summer job._ “I don’t know Dad.” she curtly answers.

“I told you last year it was better to start learning with me in the taxi.” he says, looking at her in the rear-view mirror.

“I know.”

“But of course, you never listen, and now that Joana drives you wherever you want, you think you don’t need it. What will you do when she won’t be able to drive you, or when you won’t be together anymore?”

“Why wouldn’t we be together anymore? And anyway, I already told you; I just don’t feel ready to drive, can you understand that? Plus, the subway exists and- you don’t make sense; you’re the one who always complains that there’re too many cars in Madrid!”

“Cristina, you better stop talking to your father like that.” lets out her mother, tired of her daughter’s casualness.

“Why? You’re always on my back, asking if I’m doing this or that. Just let me live _joder_!”

“Calm down…” tries Dani, but he is quickly interrupted by his mother.

“Why do all our conversations end up screaming at each other, Cristina?”

“Well, it’s clearly not my fault!”

“ _Oye_! Calm down!” bursts Dani, silencing the two women. “Thank you. _Joder_ … we have 2 hours left with the four of us locked up in this car, so you better just chill and don’t talk to each other.” he continues with a stern tone.

Cris exchanges a last glare with her mother, before taking her headphones and looking again through the window. _What a perfect start._

\--

Wednesday, 18h46

Camila is silently watching her smiling daughter _who’s been on the phone with Cris for 30 minutes now. It’s only been 3 days and they already have so many things to tell each other._

“Yeah… I know baby. _Vale_. Yeeees, don’t worry. I love you too. Bye.”

“How is she?” she asks, grinning at her daughter.

Joana turns toward her, a little surprised but _with the same beam she has since the beginning of the call. She seems so in love…_ “Um… They arrived in early afternoon; she’s already complaining about her parents, but- she seems fine.” affirms the raven-haired girl with a soft laugh, as they exchange a knowing smile.

“Look at you…” sighs Camila, as she approaches her daughter.

“What?” asks Joana, frowning with a confused smile.

“You look so grown up… You’re a beautiful woman, you have a job, an apartment, someone you love and who loves you back. It’s like seeing you breathe again after a long apnea… I’m just- I just want you to know that I’m really proud of you…” admits Camila, with a slight break in her voice, as she cups her daughter’s cheeks.

“ _Mama_ … don’t cry…” sobs Joana, hugging her mother as tight as she can, feeling her eyes also getting teary.

“I love you so much my baby girl… Never forget that.” affirms Camila, tenderly cradling her daughter in her arms.

“I love you too…” are the only words Joana can murmur before crying against her mother’s shoulder. _You’ve been through hell because of me, but you never left me… You were always by my side, no matter what..._ _I feel so safe in your arms… I don’t want to leave them… Never._

\--

Wednesday, 21h14

_Being in this house is so different from Madrid. The fireplace; the old but so comfy sofas; the same smell for 18 years now; the carpet where we all used to fight; the huge bookshelf that nobody ever touches; I would lose Joana next to so many books… I hope one day she’ll see this house or even the village and all the little places I love; it would mean so much to me…_

“What are they doing…? They should already be here. Rafael told me it’s Gabriel who’s driving this time; I hope they’re alright…” sighs Isabel, staring at the clock.

“ _Mama_ … Calm down. You know that everyone is on the road to go see their family.” reassures Dani, massaging his mother’s shoulders.

That’s when they hear the front door opening.

“ _Holaaa_!” exclaims two men’s voices.

“Aaahh, here they are! You’re late, boys.” says Isabel, hurrying to kiss and hug her sons.

“Sorry _Mama_ … I had to wait for Gabriel to finally say goodbye to his chick.” jokes Rafael, teasing his older brother.

“I don’t understand why you didn’t ask her to come, we told you you could.” affirms their father. _They never told me once that Joana could come to Zaorejas, even though Gabriel met his girlfriend the same period I started dating her…_

“Well first, don’t call her my _chick_ ; and _Papa_ … she would’ve felt alone in the family dinner; Cristina is a little too young for her.”

“ _Oye_! I’m almost her age; she could’ve talk with me, I’m not that boring. Am I?” affirms Rafael, giving his brother an falsely offended gaze.

“I haven’t checked for a while but you’re not a woman.” laughs Gabriel, a hand on his shoulder.

“And?”

“ _Hola_.” finally says Cris, who was waiting for her brothers to notice her.

“ _Nenaaa!_ How are you?” enthusiastically asks Rafael as he lifts her and hugs her tight. “ _Dios_ , look at you. You’re beautiful.” he affirms with a bright smile, making her turn around.

“Well you’re not that bad too; still the same shitty jacket and beard but that’s fine.” she teases with red cheeks.

“ _Hija de pu_ …”

“Rafael.” curtly interrupts his brother.

“ _Perdón, perdón_.” he mutters, rolling his eyes and playfully staring at his other siblings.

_Okay, maybe I missed them more than I thought._

\--

Wednesday, 21h49

“Hey.” softly says Cris, patting her brother’s shoulders, as she sits on the chair next to him.

“Hey…” replies Rafael, after swallowing his food. “You don’t know how much I miss Mom’s cooking. I won’t lie, sometimes, when the fridge is empty, I think of one of her wonderful tortilla.”

“Yeah, I do the same.” admits Cris, exchanging a knowing smile with him.

“So, what’s up? University and everything?”

“Well, nothing big; I think I’m as bad as you were when you tried.” she playfully answers.

“Okay I see, that’s how you treat your brother after 6 months without seeing him. Thanks.” he jokes with a falsely offended gaze.

“You’re welcome.”

Rafael slightly pushes her with annoyance, as they both laugh with bright smiles. “Eh _Sapo_ …” he hesitantly starts, after a few seconds. “I know he shouldn’t have done it like this and let you do it, but… Dani told me about- you know- your… well, your- your girl.”

Cris’ smile slowly fades, as she feels her stomach getting heavy, and _of course_ , with her cheeks getting redder than the tablecloth.

“No no no, don’t worry, I don’t care.” he affirms, noticing her discomfort. “I mean- I was a little surprised but- we are in 2020 so… but anyway, I wanted to ask you- well, um- I suppose the parents know about it if you’re living with her, right…?”

“Yeah…”

“How did they… you know- react?”

Cris deeply sighs, relieved by her brother’s reaction, but she still feels _this… lump_ in her throat. “I don’t know… I think they’re a little ashamed of me sometimes…? But on the other hand, they’re making efforts; with Joana’s parents, they asked us if we could do a family meal in our apartment. It helps that they get along with each other...”

“Joana, huh? I like her name.” he admits with a grin, which makes her laugh softly. “That’s pretty good news, no?”

Cris slowly nods, with a crooked smile. “ _Oye_ … Do you think Dani told Gabriel…?” she hesitantly asks.

“Um, you know how he is… I- I don’t think so.” he says, with something apologetic in his gaze. Seeing his sister’s reaction, he continues, a supportive hand on her arm. “Hey, if you don’t want to tell him; that’s okay; you don’t have to. Take your time. Just- don’t forget we’re family; maybe it will take him time, but he’ll understand…”

They exchange a warm gaze; _now that I’m older, our conversations feel so… different._ “ _Vale_ … I should let you eat.” she says, standing up.

“Yeah...” he sighs, giving her a small smile.

“Thank you.” she whispers, leaving a soft peck on his cheek.

“ _De nada Sapo_.”

“Stop calling me like that!”

“Never!”

\--

Friday, 14h34

Cris is sitting at the end of the table, watching every little conversation that the 25 persons around it share with loud laughs, groans and fists hitting the table; which create a huge _unbearable_ brouhaha. _It’s so boring to be the youngest child of the youngest parents of the family. All my cousins are around Gabriel’s age, or even way older; some of them already have six-year old children…_

“And you Cristina? You’re so pretty, you must have a man!” asks an aunt, taking the blonde out of her thoughts.

 _Joder… This famous question. Kill me please._ “Um… no- not yet.” she replies with a bright but mainly polite grin, glancing at her mother who was already looking at her.

“Buaaah, she’s just too shy in front of the family!” lets out one of her cousins.

“Well, with 3 brothers like them and Juan, _el chico_ wouldn’t stay long.” affirms Cris’ godfather, which makes the entire table laughs.

_Phew… One of the thousand possible touchy subjects perfectly avoided._

“I’m wondering; why do we always ask if it’s a man? It could be a girl.” admits Dani, making Cris choke on her wine. She stares at him with her eyes wide open, _what are you doing?_

“Ahah, Dani and his stupid jokes! You’ve always been the family clown!” laughs the uncle next to him, manly tapping his shoulder.

“Plus, don’t be silly _hermanito_ , we don’t have this kind of people in our family.” affirms Gabriel with a serious tone.

 _This kind of people…_ Cris exchanges a glance with her parents; _of course, they’re not going to react, they never do._ _I know I shouldn’t, but I can’t let him say this kind of things_. She is about to intervene but…

“This kind of people?” asks Rafael, frowning.

“Yeah well you know. They’re just troublemakers; people who want attention. I mean dude, why do they dance with pink underpants on floats if not to get attention?” replies his older brother with a _disgusting_ smirk.

“Well, maybe because they’re just happy to have the right to be in love with the person they like the most on earth; maybe because all the other days they are insulted, humiliated, or worse, beaten up because of people like you, who keep assuring their love is a problem.” sternly replies Rafael, glaring at him. The brouhaha around the table stops; everyone is looking at the two brothers who’re facing each other.

“What the hell are you talking about? Since when are you defending them?” curtly asks Gabriel with clenched fists.

“ _Oye oye oye_ , calm down boys. Don’t start a debate about _maricones_. We said no problematic subjects this Christmas!” jokes the uncle next to him, a hand on his shoulder.

 _I can’t._ Cris stands up, under the sight of her parents and brothers. _Mom’s eyes are fearful, she’s more concerned about what I’m going to say than about how I feel; and Dad… he always looks at me with these sad and apologetic eyes but he never says a thing. I can’t stay here or I’m going to burst._

“Yeah well, it’s the most problematic one who’s talking!” jokes Juan, trying to change the subject of the conversation, as he glances at his daughter, who’s leaving the room with Dani following her.

\--

“Sorry, I shouldn’t have brought it like this.” sighs Dani, as he approaches his sister.

“It’s okay.” she replies without looking at him, leaning against the wall.

He stares at her, waiting for her to break the silence; _but she just pouts._ “Come on Cris; you already dealt with them last year, you can do it. Plus, you saw it; Rafael and I- we’re here to defend you.” he affirms with a grin.

“Maybe… but- did you see Mom and Dad? They’re so ashamed of me. Every time, I see disappointment or- embarrassment in their eyes. They care more about being seen as _normal_ by the family, than just- _try_ to defend me. I don’t ask them to affirm they have a bisexual daughter; I just need them to support me…” she lets out as if she was holding her breath for ages, staring at him with teary eyes, which makes Dani’s smile fade away.

“I’m sorry…” he whispers, lowering his head.

“I know…” she deeply sighs. “ _Not in our family_. _Joder_ , if I could I would’ve slapped him.” she mumbles, shaking her head in disbelief after a long silence.

“There I find my sister again.” jokes Dani, which makes Cris laugh a little. They exchange a short glance, as he approaches her. He rests a supportive hand on her shoulder. _“¿Vamos?”_

Cris takes a deep breath, before giving him a small nod.

\--

Monday, 11h11

Cris is in front of their apartment door, with her little yellow suitcase and a knot in her stomach. She takes a deep breath as she puts the key in the lock.

“ _Holaaa_!” enthusiastically exclaims Joana with a grin, as she rushes to the entrance to welcome her.

“ _Hola_.” replies Cris with a small voice.

“I missed you.” admits her girlfriend, greeting her with a tender kiss on her closed lips. Cris gives her a faint smile when she pulls away, meeting Joana’s worried gaze. _Please don’t think it’s your fault… I just need your arms…_ The blonde silently wraps her arms around her girlfriend’s body and rests her head in her neck. “Is everything alright?” asks Joana, stroking the blonde’s hair.

“Yeah… I think I’m just really tired of all those family dinners...” murmurs Cris against her neck, hugging her tighter.

“I know…” sighs the raven-haired girl, who’s now gently cradling her girlfriend in her _protective_ arms.

_Whatever she’s wearing, at any hours of the day and wherever we are, her smell never changes… It’s so sweet and- I never really could describe what it reminds me of… It’s just hers; I can’t compare it to anything. It’s just Joana. I love being in her arms; it’s so soothing… I can feel her heartbeat, which is always a little faster when I’m close to her; I can feel the warmness of her skin even when it’s freezing; and I can feel the softness of her hair falling on my burning cheeks. Since the very beginning, I always felt different in her arms. My body always relaxes in the blink of an eye, whatever is happening around us. She keeps telling me I hug her better than she does, but if she knew… she would understand she’s completely wrong…_

Joana slowly pulls away. “ _Che_ … let’s talk about it _guapa_.” she says softly, tenderly rubbing Cris’ cheeks with a supportive smile.

\--

The two women are on their couch; Cris’ head rests on Joana’s lap, who’s slightly fondling her hair. They remained silent for the last twenty minutes, exchanging soft gazes and fond smiles; leaving light kisses on their hands; and slightly brushing each other’s skin with their fingertips.

“You know… tomorrow could be worse. Imagine if there were all my family from Argentina?” jokes the raven-haired girl, breaking the silent with a soothing murmur.

It makes her girlfriend laugh softly. “They wouldn’t all fit in the apartment.” she affirms, raising her eyebrows with humor.

“That’s for sure.” replies Joana with a grin and a soft chuckle.

“What?” asks Cris, a bit confused after receiving a long, playful and silent stare from her girlfriend.

“Gift time?” answers the raven-haired girl with excitement.

“Oh yeah… I’m sorry, I completely forgot about it with all this shit.” sighs the blonde as she sits to face her girlfriend. “Go on, you seem excited.” she continues with a bright smile, staring back at her. Joana goes in the bedroom and comes back with a red envelope, tied by a small golden bow. “Is it a letter again? No, a drawing?” enthusiastically asks Cris. “You found my weak point, that’s not fair!”

“Open it.” says Joana, shrugging with a grin.

Cris finds a little piece of paper with a hand-written message, surrounded by many _colorful_ frogs wearing sunglasses, cocktails and palm trees. “A voucher… for a trip with your- _handsome girlfriend_.” reads Cris, giggling. “Did you really just called yourself _handsome_?” she laughs, meeting her girlfriend’s nervous gaze. “What? It’s really funny _amor_ , I love it. I suppose you made it to put it in the notebook?”

“It’s- it’s not a joke Cris… I want to take you on a trip this summer. Wherever you want. Just the two of us.” affirms the raven-haired girl, as she starts biting her nails.

“Really…?”

“Yes. I know you always wanted to do a road trip or just fly away from everything. I started to count and I think we…” Joana doesn’t have the time to understand what’s happening that Cris is already kissing her lips. She is confused by her girlfriend’s silence, but she gladly follows the movement, fondling her neck with one hand. “I will take this as a thank you...” she murmurs, nuzzling her nose against Cris’.

The blonde pulls away and tenderly cups Joana’s face. Her eyes are teary, but her lips wear the _softest smile on earth_. “Argentina.”

“What?” frowns the raven-haired girl, a little confused.

“If we’re going on trip, it has to be _ours_ ; and… I know you miss your country. A lot. So, yes. Argentina.” affirms Cris, giving her girlfriend a determined gaze.

“ _Vale_ …” softly answers Joana with a content smile.

“Your turn.” enthusiastically says the blonde, clapping her hands.

Cris stands up and opens her suitcase to get out of it a box wrapped in old newspaper. _Joana looks like a little child_ as she takes the present in her hands; but, instead of tearing the paper like a ten-year old, she meticulously unwraps it. She remains silent, when the paper reveals a _drawing tablet_.

“You always complain that your tools and material are old-fashioned; so yeah… I know it’s not one of the best- but… but I thought it would be a good start…” admits Cris, a little nervous. Joana is still silently staring at the box she’s holding. “If- if you don’t like it, we still can change it, or get repaid…” she hesitantly continues, as she sees her girlfriend’s lack of reaction.

“I’m sorry Cris, it’s nice, really- but I think it’s an old version; I- I don’t know if it’ll fit with my computer…” sighs Joana, giving the blonde an apologetic gaze.

“What?” she lets out, approaching her girlfriend to look at the box. “No no no, I asked the seller, he told me that…” She is interrupted by Joana’s laughs. “You’re an asshole!” she bursts, smacking her arm.

“I’m sorry. It was too tempting.” giggles the raven-haired girl, as she approaches her girlfriend to hug her.

“At least, do you like it?” mutters Cris in her neck, a little upset.

“Of course, _idiota_. Thank you so much, I don’t know what I did to be so lucky…” she murmurs, holding the blonde tighter.

“You’re not lucky.” affirms Cris, pulling away to cup her girlfriend’s cheeks. “You just deserve it.”

Joana’s eyes hold _this kind of gaze_ that makes the blonde’s heart sway; _this kind of gaze_ she can only see when her girlfriend drops her guard and feels _fully safe_ ; _this kind of gaze_ that expresses _gratefulness, warmth, peace_ , but at the same time _this sadness_ , which is always lingering behind all her emotions. _I love this kind of gaze…_

\--

Tuesday, 12h36

“My father says they will be here in 20 minutes.” affirms Joana, glancing at her girlfriend, who’s putting some mascara in the bathroom.

“ _Vale_.”

 _I was waiting for another answer, but okay..._ “Um- did your mother tell you when they’re coming?” hesitantly asks the raven-haired girl, leaning against the wall.

Cris slightly chuckles. “You perfectly know my mom only remembers how to use her phone when she needs to remind me that I’m an irresponsible girl. So, no. I haven’t received anything. But don’t worry, most of the time they’re annoyingly too early.” she bitterly affirms, still looking at her reflect in the mirror.

“Cris…”

“What?” lets out the blonde, now staring at Joana. _Her eyes… If I didn’t know her, I would only see anger, but- right now, there’s mostly fear and anxiety._ _You really don’t want to do this huh…?_

“I’m here.” tenderly says the raven-haired girl with a supportive smile.

Something immediately soothes in Cris’ gaze. “I know…” she whispers with a small smile, taking her hand. “Anyway. Did you hide the ashtray and my cigarettes?”

“No why?” asks Joana, a bit confused. Her girlfriend replies with a sigh, her eyebrows raised in disbelief. “Oh yeah- sorry. It’s not my fault if I’m used to see you smoke with my mom now.” she jokes, pecking the blonde’s lips.

“Yeah well, I hope she won’t make a gaffe. I would be fucked.” admits Cris with humor.

“Oooh, sure you will.” replies the raven-haired girl with a teasing smirk.

“That wasn’t subtle.” murmurs the blonde in her ear, kissing her cheek and slightly making her step aside, as she leaves the bathroom. “Oh and- raise your eyes soldier. I can feel your stare.” she teases with a grin, not even turning to look at Joana.

\--

Someone rings at the apartment door, which makes _Cris jump of the couch. Not that she was already doing nothing, nervously waiting for it to ring._

“Alright. How do I look?” she asks, turning toward her girlfriend.

“You’re perfect.” replies Joana with a grin.

Cris leaves a soft peck on her lips before rubbing with giggles the lipstick mark she left. She takes a deep breath and opens the door, wearing her best smile. Her parents are waiting behind it.

“ _Hola_! Come in.”

“ _Hola hija_ , how are you?” asks Isabel, kissing her cheek.

“Fine and you? Oh, um- give me your coat.”

“Ooohh it smells good in here!” exclaims Juan with a grin, kissing Cris’ forehead. “Here, I found you some bottles of wine in Zaorejas.” he proudly says, handing his daughter a bag.

“Oh, you shouldn’t have. Is it for the meal?”

“Yeah, if you want. Um- put them in the fridge, but not…”

“I know Dad; I’m not a 10-year-old. Thank you.” interrupts Cris, kissing his cheek as she goes to the kitchen.

They both turn to Joana, who’s politely smiling at them. “ _Hola_!” she enthusiastically says.

“ _Hola_ Joana, how were your holidays?” asks Isabel, giving her a kiss on each cheek.

“Well, it wasn’t _real_ holidays; I worked a lot with Alberto, but now I have a lighter schedule.” admits the raven-haired girl with a small nod.

“It’s good you found a job where they really need you. I wish Cristina was a hard worker like you are.” she sighs, glancing at her daughter who’s leaving the kitchen. _She never drops it, does she?_ _Seriously, it starts as bad as I thought it would._

“Well, I think it’s important she takes the time she needs to focus on her studies for now.” affirms Joana, interrupting her girlfriend with a suggestive gaze, who was ready to answer something mean. _How does she manage to be so calm and polite near them?_

“Maybe- but at least she could find a summer job; it wouldn’t kill you Cristina.” states Juan staring at his daughter, as he offers his hand to the raven-haired girl. _I can't believe he continues to shake her hand, while before he knew about us being together, he used to kiss her on the cheeks._

The door rings again. “Oh, sorry- the door.” falsely grins Cris, as she goes to open it.

“ _Hola_ _cariño._ ” smiles Camila, cupping the blonde’s cheeks, before hugging her.

“Hey _guapa_! It’s been a while!” enthusiastically says Esteban, tightly hugging her after his wife. _It feels so weird to hug them, while my parents barely kissed us… They’re so much more… warm, welcoming, and just… relaxed._ “Look, since I know you have the same _great_ taste in beers as my daughter, _which is also mine of course_ ; I thought it would be a good idea to bring you a selection of 10 beers, chosen by myself.” he says, funnily trying to sound posh, as he hands her the box he was holding under his arm.

“Oh well, what an honor.” replies Cris with humor, exaggeratedly bowing down.

“That’s great, we really seem like the alcoholic couple now!” jokes Joana, hugging her mother.

Esteban turns and funnily gapes at her. “Ooohh excuse me _daaarling_ , I haven’t noticed yet but you’re wearing _white_ today!” he lets out, a hand on his chest.

“Just shut up.” laughs Joana, going to hug him _under my parents’ surprised gazes. It’s sure that we never had this kind of interactions together._

“You’re beautiful.” murmurs Esteban with a fond smile, softly rubbing his daughter’s cheeks. Then he follows his wife to exchange handshakes, kisses and laughs with Cris’ parents. _At least, we’re lucky they like each other._ The young couple exchanges a knowing gaze. Cris bites her lower lip to hold a laugh as she shakes her head in disbelief; _it’s gonna be really long._

\--

Tuesday, 13h47

To Cris’ great surprise, _the meal was going pretty well as the wine starts soothing the minds. We perfectly handled it when my parents started asking Joana about her work and the fact that she was starting to think about heading towards a more “unconventional” career path, aka an artistic path. So yeah, for now, everything goes for the best._

“So Cris… It’s been a while since we didn’t ask you but- how’s psychology going?” asks Esteban, grinning at the blonde. _It was too good to be true, huh? Why do I always speak too soon?_

“Um… I’m waiting the results, but I think I haven’t failed as much as I expected.” nervously jokes Cris.

“Well, to me _I haven’t failed_ isn’t what you can call passing an exam Cristina. How do you want to succeed in your life if you keep settling for the bare minimum?” sternly intervenes Isabel, glaring at her daughter.

Cris lowers her gaze, as a heavy silence fills the room. _I’m so tired of trying to argue with her…_ _and- the worse is that she’s right… but… I really did my best…_ Joana tenderly brushes her hand, to remind her she’s by her side.

“Don’t worry Cris, university teachers always try to scare us for the exams, but most of the time they’re not as strict as they seem. I’m sure you managed it pretty well.” affirms Camila with a supportive smile, trying to calm the atmosphere.

“Anyway, Joana did you cook all of this? It’s amazing!” admits Juan, trying to stop his wife glare.

“Well… Cris cooked it.” proudly says Joana. _What?_

The Sotos are now staring at her with their eyes wide open. _Did she just…?_ “Well, that was unexpected.” blurts Isabel.

“Since when do you know how to use the hotplates?” laughs Juan, mocking his daughter.

Cris slowly moves her gaze to glare at her father. _You can talk, you never use them either._ “Well, sometimes I come back really late when I close the store. I don’t know what I would eat without Cris.” affirms Joana with a slight laugh, stopping her girlfriend from retorting what’s in her mind.

“Joana, would you help me with the plates?” asks Cris, turning towards her with the best forced smile she can and a glare the raven-haired girl will never forget.

“Yes, of course _guapa_.” she softy replies, trying to hold a laugh.

\--

“Why the hell did you tell them I cooked the meal?” bursts Cris in a whisper, staring in disbelief at her laughing girlfriend.

“Well, you did the salad sauce; and we cooked the chicken together.” admits Joana, biting her lips with shining eyes.

“Maybe, but I don’t even know which fruits are in the cake! You bought it this morning remember?” replies the blonde, holding a smile as she looks at her girlfriend’s grin. “You’re an idiot. Next time I go see them she will want me to cook with her! And stop giggling!” she lets out with a laugh, smacking Joana’s shoulder.

\--

Tuesday, 16h45

“Oh my god… Finally, they left…” deeply sighs Cris, her back against the door.

“ _Come on Joana, you’ll take another glass of wine, right?_ ” jokes her girlfriend, trying to imitate Juan.

“I’m sorry baby…” laughs the blonde, hiding her face in her hands. “They’re so clumsy.”

“Well, that was funny. But- do you know what was even funnier? When I decided to rest my hand on your thigh and you became as red as a tomato.” admits Joana grinning at her girlfriend, which makes her roll her eyes.

“Yeah, by the way- thank you; everyone clearly noticed it.” replies Cris, half-annoyed half-giggling.

“We’re a couple. I already can’t kiss you in front of them or they look at us oddly; so at least, let me touch my girlfriend.” sighs the raven-haired girl, shrugging.

“Oh yeah? _Touch_ me?” suggestively asks Cris with a teasing smile, wrapping her arms around Joana’s neck.

“Yes. Wherever I want…” murmurs her girlfriend against her lips, brushing her skin under her top.

_Finally, we can enjoy the real holidays…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That was really long, but so different to write. First, I just wanted to do the family meal in the girl’s apartment, but then I realized, because of the Christmas period, that I couldn’t let our favorite couple without presents; and then I remembered all those horrible family dinner I had because of my sexuality; so, it clearly changed this chapter, and I think for the best. I really hope you liked it.
> 
> I didn’t want to develop Joana’s BPD this time, I just wanted her to feel safe and listened by her parents. It might feel a bit “too much”, but yeah, I wanted it to be really calm and soothing for her for once.
> 
> I really wanted to give Cris, at least, another clown and supportive brother to face her family (in my mind, Rafael is Dani but with a beard xD)
> 
> Sorry, I stole our beloved Miqhell’s idea for the trip; plus, I know these presents are way too expensive for young women, especially for a student, but fuck realism xD 
> 
> I loved trying to show the opposite dynamic between the families of the two girls, with Joana being supported and feeling at ease, which is at the opposite of Cris’ situation; she is belittled and she feels completely misunderstood.
> 
> Anyway, I’m happy I took my time for this chapter, even if I know it’s not perfect, I’m proud. I really hope you enjoyed it, and… see you soon! 😊


	11. Cris

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! These two new chapters are a little “special”. They are written with only one pov. This one is Cris’ pov and the next one is Joana’s, obviously. I don’t know, I’m trying things!
> 
> Hope you’ll enjoy!

Tuesday, 16h32

Cris and Joana are enjoying _a way too hot afternoon for January_ , with a hand in hand walk in the streets. _Well, of course, when I’ll have the opportunity, I will drag her in the first clothes shop we find. She always pouts, but never says no. I know she enjoys being my personal advisor and chooser, even if she’ll never admit it._

[Cloe, 16h33] GUYS

[Cloe, 16h33] GRADES

[Cloe, 16h33] NOW

[Cloe, 16h33] IN YOUR INBOX

[Delia, 16h34] kjvnihrviohaehjzqzjeojaizeoh&uh

[Isak, 16h34] Oh fuck

[Isak, 16h34] I’m not ready

Cris immediately stops, holding her girlfriend back. “What? What’s wrong Cris?” asks Joana, a bit confused.

“There’s the results.”

“Go check it out.”

Joana supportively rests her hands on Cris’ shoulders, softly rubbing them. _Come on… where’s the fucking overall average? English, admitted; Cognitive, admitted… Oh my god…_

“So…?”

The blonde gives Joana her phone, as she runs her hands through her hair, trying to reduce the heat on her cheeks. _Tell me you see the same thing as I do…_

“Cris… you’ve got- you’ve got a _notable_ … you- you passed the semester!” affirms the raven-haired girl, raising her gaze to meet her girlfriend’s teary eyes and bright grin. Cris jumps in her arms with a joyous squeak, holding her as tight as she can. _Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, I can’t believe it!_

“Oyeee, everyooone! She passed her exaaaam!” yells Joana with a bright grin, as she pulls away to show her girlfriend, making a lot of passerby look at them.

“Eh, eh, shhhh…” giggles Cris, putting a hand on her mouth, before kissing her lips.

“Sorry but- I have to- I have to tell everyone how proud I am of my girlfriend.” admits Joana between the blonde’s kisses. _I can feel your smirk, idiot._

“Yeah well, let’s celebrate all of this in… _private_ , would you?” grins Cris against her lips.

“I can’t right now, I’m too busy congratulating my girlfriend.” affirms the raven-haired girl, cupping her cheeks to leave proud and deep kisses on her lips.

“Can’t you do this kind of thing somewhere else? You’re just disgusting.”

_What did he just say?_

Joana pulls away, glaring at the man who just provoked them. “I’m sorry what?”

_I don’t like this… Impassive and cold; her gaze straight ahead; her jaw clenching…_

“You perfectly heard.”

“No. Say it again.”

_Her hands leave my neck; I can feel her entire body tense, even if she isn’t touching me anymore. She’s losing it._

“I have no time to lose with you.”

Joana moves to follow him, but Cris immediately stops her. “Joana, stop. Look at me. He’s not worth it.” says the blonde, trying to keep her still, as she slowly draws circles with her thumbs on her girlfriend’s arms to soothe her. _Please, calm down… I’m here._

“They never stay long enough to look at us in the eyes. I’m so sick of people ruining our moments together.” lets out the raven-haired girl, still glaring at him.

Cris slightly sighs, carefully cupping her cheeks. “ _Sapito_ , look at me. It’s okay. It’s okay- it’s a good day. Let’s go home and take some time alone.” After a few seconds, Joana finally looks at her, _breathing heavily_. _Your gaze… You’re scared… You didn’t want to burst…_ Cris tenderly takes the raven-haired girl’s hands in hers with a small smile. “Come on…”

\--

Saturday, 10h48

_I’ve been going in circles in the living room for 15 minutes. Come on Cris… You just have to call her… It’s not a big deal, right? Joder, why am I even scared? It’s not like you haven’t faced mom for every single bad grade you had; which was, basically, for all of your grades. Plus, I haven’t failed this time; I managed it pretty well. Fuck. Just do it._

“ _Hola?_ ”

“ _Hola Mama_ , it’s Cris.”

“Are you okay _hija_? I’m not used to you calling us.” _No kidding…_

“Yeah… don’t worry. It’s just that- um… I have my results.”

“Which are?” _Damn… I can feel her frowning._

“I passed the semester- with a _notable_ …”

“Really?” _Oh… she seems… happy?_ “Wait, if it’s a joke Cristina, that’s not funny.”

_What? Is she…? I can’t._

“ _Perdón?_ No, it’s not a joke. But thanks. You know what? I just wanted to tell you; I don’t care about what you think. I’ve nothing else to say.”

“Cristina, wait.”

“Bye.”

Cris throws her phone on the coffee table and angrily sinks into the couch. _A joke? I can’t believe it._ _She’s so… Fuck!_

\--

Wednesday, 18h36

“He’s an asshole.” lets out Cris, arms-crossed, as she stares at the two girls in front of her. Delia glances at her with disbelief, still holding Cloe in her arms. “What? I’m sorry; but it’s true. He doesn’t even have the balls to explain himself; and he thinks he can run away like anything happened? Fuck no.”

“Cris… please stop...”

“Why? Cloe, he doesn’t have the right to do this kind of things, especially to you. If he doesn’t want to come, I’m going.” affirms the blonde, getting off the table.

“No, you don’t do anything.” blurts her friend, staring at her with teary eyes.

 _Fuck… I hate seeing this kind of gaze in my friends’ eyes. She’s sad, and scared, and angry, and ashamed, and… Come on, chill… She needs support, not someone ready to go to war._ “Sorry…” murmurs Cris, lowering her head.

“ _Holaaa_ chicaaas! What’s up?” exclaims Isak behind the girls, who all turn towards him with a glare. “What?” Celia weakly nods towards Cloe. “ _Hijo de…_ ”

“Okay, I know what you need. A night with your friends. And… a lot of alcohol. Right?” interrupts Celia with a shrug, looking at everyone.

“I’m in.” replies Cris, raising her hand in approval.

“Yeah, me too. I think we all need it...”

“Guys… I don’t think it’s a good idea; I’m not rea…” starts Cloe, weakly shaking her head as she wipes her tears.

“No, no, no, sweetheart, you are.” interrupts Cris with a bright supportive smile, a finger under her chin. “Plus, do have I to remind you we still haven’t celebrate the fact that everyone here _brilliantly_ passed their exams?”

“Even Celia, which is, yeah-” starts Isak.

“ _A miracle_.” affirms Delia with him, as they exchange a mischievous smile.

“Just shut up.” blurts Celia, trying to slap them.

\--

Wednesday, 23h39

“Here _guapa_! The waiter is boring as fuck, _but_ I could ask him a little extra that I’m sure you’ll like.” affirms Celia with a wink, handing Cris a drink.

“ _Dioooos…_ There’re so many flavors at the same time, but it’s soooo good!” exclaims Cris, as she sips her drink.

“Right?” replies the other one with a smirk, _clearly proud of herself; but I have to admit it, Celia clearly rocks when it’s about alcohol; more than me or Eva, which is, yeah- impressive as fuck._ “You think she’ll be okay?” she continues, staring at Cloe who’s _already wasted, jumping everywhere and making Isak and Delia go crazy. Well, I suppose that’s how the girls used to see me in high school._

“Well… she doesn’t have the choice.” sighs Cris; _why are there so many bad endings? Sometimes it scares me; I never really got heartbroken… Wow, I don’t know what she put in my drink, but it’s clearly messing my mind up._ “Anyway, let’s join them.” she enthusiastically says, taking Celia with her in the messy crowd.

_I love crowds. The frenzy, the heat, the rhythm, the movement. All these bodies with so many different stories, which form a total harmony, when they all follow the beat. Yeah… sometimes in all this mess, I find something really soothing, almost peaceful. When my heartbeat perfectly follows the music; when all I can feel is my body because my mind is completely shut down by alcohol, my friends or adrenaline; when I scream at the top of my lungs and feel the vibrations pass through my entire body; yeah- nothing else matters. No parents, no school, no scary future, no abuse, no odd looks, no emptiness, no pain, nothing; just me- and I wouldn’t change this feeling with anything in the world._

\--

Thursday, 10h57

 _God… Why do I always forget I meet Amira in the morning when I decide to go to sleep at 5h?_ Cris enters the café and clearly takes _more time than a sober person would_ to find her best friend’s table.

“ _Holaaa_!” she exclaims, greeting Amira with a kiss on her cheek.

“Wow, 12 minutes late, you’re improving my dear.”

“Just for that; next time it will be 20 minutes.”

“Oh surely, but it won’t be intentional.”

“ _Touché_.” laughs Cris, rubbing her eyes.

“Hangover?” asks Amira, playfully staring at her as she narrows her eyes.

“Kind of?”

“In the middle of the week?”

“Well…”

“ _Madre mía_ …” laughs Amira, shaking her head in disbelief.

“ _Oye_ , it’s not my fault if I always have to fix broken hearts. Plus, I’m here; ready to talk about anything you want, or go on walk, or do some groceries for your mother.” affirms Cris with a shrug.

“I don’t think you’re capable of staying on your feet more than an hour.”

“Eh, turning eighteen hasn’t change anything. I still hold a lot of liquor, you know.”

“Oh, don’t worry, I know that. I meant; your _laziness_ won’t let your legs walk more than an hour.” jokes Amira, poking Cris’ nose with her finger.

“That’s rude.” blurts Cris with a laugh, pushing her best friend’s arm away.

\--

_The conversation continued as always; softly, funnily, but with some serious talk in the middle… A perfect Amiris reunion. It feels so good to talk with her, even if we don’t see each other as much as we used to; everything is so… smooth between us._

“You changed so much.” affirms Amira, staring at Cris with a proud smile.

“What are you talking about? No, I didn’t.” she replies with a confused frown, avoiding her gaze. 

“Cris… Not to me. Well, okay- you’re still _you_ ; a confident Cris on the surface, smiling all the time; a party girl always there for her friends… but- you seem so different at the same time, and I don’t know- I just feel it.”

_So… I’m not the only one noticing I’m not- well I’m me, but not me? Dios… It’s so confusing._

“Eh, I’m not saying it as if it was something bad; maybe you’re just a little more mature- and, you just seem so happy and finally doing something you like. Now, you’re even a great student!” jokes Amira, seeing her friend’s lost gaze. The blonde rolls her eyes with a chuckle. “Don’t laugh! Cris, you got a _notable_ , that’s brilliant.”

“Well… _notable, notable_ … It’s just a seven.” affirms Cris with a sigh, shrugging.

“Which is great!”

“Yeah…”

“What did your mother say?” asks Amira with a more serious tone after a small silence. _She knows me so well._

“She asked me if it was a joke and then I just hang up because I was going to be mean.”

“And you haven’t talk to her since?”

“No, especially if it’s to hear that it’s _not good enough_.” affirms Cris, rolling her eyes on the last words.

“How do you know? If you don’t talk to her, you can’t know what she’s thinking.”

Cris remains silent, staring at Amira, _perfectly knowing she’s right_. “I don’t know girl, I’m just so tired of her.” she lets out with shifty eyes, leaning against the back of her chair with a deep sigh.

“I know… but maybe if you…”

“Come on Amy, can we talk about something else…? Please?” interrupts the blonde with pleading eyes. _I know, I’m fleeing, again, but I don’t want to waste this morning…_

Amira silently stares at her, before letting out a slight sigh with a supportive smile. “Okay… How’s Joana? I haven’t seen her for a while.”

 _Thank you…_ “She finally decided to send her drawings.” proudly says Cris with a bright grin.

“Noooo, really??”

“Yeah, with the drawing tablet Viri’s friend recommended me, she’s way more confident.”

“That’s amazing! You should’ve told me before, so I could talk about it with her.”

“I know, sorry! It’s just that, she’s a little anxious. For now, she waits for answers and she doesn’t want to cry victory too early.” admits the blonde with a crooked smile.

“Cris, she’ll find something; she’s fantastic.”

“I know that; but- it’s not that easy to convince her she is.”

“ _Jo…_ I’m so proud of you two.” smiles Amira, biting her lower lips, as she rubs her best friend’s hands.

“Thank you…” murmurs Cris with red cheeks, exchanging a warm and knowing gaze with her. _What would I do without you…?_

\--

Thursday, 18h49

Cris arrives in the apartment; Joana is sleeping on the couch, holding her sketchbook against her and snoring softly. _She is so tired lately; she works the day and draws the night. She likes this rhythm and clearly bear it though, but- well… it’s hard to find some time together when she isn’t in her mind thinking about her next drawing or half asleep next to me…_

 _God… she’s so peaceful and… beautiful; even with this little trickle of saliva at the corner of her mouth._ Cris tries to hold a laugh, as she crouches next to her, taking her phone to immortalize this _rare situation_ ; _and most importantly, to have some content to blackmail her when she wants to show people the way too shameful pictures she has of me._

The blonde stands up with a mischievous smile, proud of herself.

“You don’t give me a kiss…?” mumbles her girlfriend with a husky voice, as she rubs her eyes.

“Well… I didn’t want to wake my sleeping beauty...” murmurs Cris, which makes Joana snorts softly, as she leans to leave a gentle kiss on her lips.

The raven-haired girl wraps her arms around her waist, closing the gap between their bodies. _Oh… someone’s eager._ Cris decides to straddle her girlfriend’s hips, as she cups her cheeks to keep kissing her _sleepy_ lips. She feels Joana’s hands brushing her thigh and slowly finding their way a little higher.

“Cris?” she muffles against the blonde’s lips.

“Yeah?” replies her girlfriend, placing some kisses on her jaw and neck.

“Are we going to talk about the bright orange traffic cone in our entrance? And the fact that when I woke up this morning, I saw my girlfriend sleeping with 2 other lovely women by her side on this very same couch?” asks Joana with the same husky voice and a teasing tone.

_Oops…_

“ _Lovely_?” replies Cris, now facing the raven-haired girl with a playful frown. 

“Don’t try to change the subject of the conversation.”

“Yeah…” mumbles Cris, biting her lips, as she tries to hold a laugh. “It’s just a really long story, you know.”

“Well, it’s your luck, I have all the time in the world right now.” affirms Joana with a grin, playfully pecking her girlfriend’s lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! It’s not the best chapter, I know, because I clearly realized that I’m really bad at understanding Cris and her character, sorry. 
> 
> I did some research and I think I understood that people are assessed on 10 in Spain and not on 20 as in France. Soooo, I think giving Cris a 7/10 (which is a notable, right?) is pretty good.
> 
> I try to make Cris’ friends, kind of “funny”; I don’t know if they are, but to me it’s not that bad.
> 
> My life for Amiris, and yes, me too, I miss the girl squad. I’m thinking about it. 
> 
> Alright, let’s go for the next chapter!


	12. Joana

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before you start reading. If you don’t feel fine, I think it’s better to wait a little before reading this chapter; I don’t want to trigger you or anything, that’s not my aim. 
> 
> I need to clarify things before this chapter. I really think you can’t represent BPD if you don’t experience it, because it’s way too complex and unique to each person. I don’t pretend to know everything about the illness. You could tell me “yeah well just don’t write about if you can’t represent it as it should be” and you are completely right; but I want to try, and if it’s not accurate, feel free to come yell at me and show me everything I did wrong; or even, I could delete the chapter.
> 
> Anyway, let’s start.

She is running, running anywhere, not fleeing anything, but just running. Running until her legs can’t keep her stand; running until her breathe stops because of the lack of air; running faster and faster until her entire body collapses and falls on the ground. This time she ends up on the grass, in _our_ park. _Funny how I always find my way here, even if it wasn’t my first intention_. _I feel nothing but my heartbeat, the pulse in my fingertips, the air burning in my lungs; and when I close my eyes and let the silence fill my ears, everything seems... smoother._

_In this kind of moment, my body is somewhere else and I’m alone with my thoughts. They’re always there, all the time, they never stop. I will never be able to shut my mind like I do with my body._

_Damn… I should stop fighting and… embrace. Embrace each thought, each feeling, each emotion; let them fill the void. Sadness, anger, joy, confusion, disgust, fear, boredom. Sometimes, when I’m able to let go, just for a second; I feel so peaceful…_

_So many things are coming to my mind right now… The images, the sounds, the smells. I can feel the happiness of some days…_

_Wednesday, 16h48_

She is sitting cross-legged on her _favorite_ counter, listening to the jazz coming from their old radio. _Today is a good day. I had the opportunity to draw a lot of sketches. I never thought drawing people would be so challenging. It’s different to draw people I imagine and people in the real world; they’re so much livelier and move all the time. I love…_

“ _Hija_ , you wanted to talk about something with me? interrupts Alberto, which makes Joana startle, as he leans his elbow on the counter. “Sorry, I didn’t want to scare you. If it’s about your pay, I know I’m late, I’m sorry.” he says softly with a warm smile.

“No no, don’t worry, I know it’s not a good period… I can wait.” replies the raven-haired girl, a bit taken aback.

“So?”

“Um- I just wanted to ask… Why did you give _me_ the job?”

Alberto stares at her with a frown. “I don’t know; why are you asking that?” he playfully asks.

“I don’t know; why don’t you answer my question?” retorts Joana, giving him back the same mischievous frown.

They exchange a slight laugh. _He reminds me so much of g… No, not now Joana._

“The other kiddos who applied for the job; they all entered the shop with their cocky smirk and it was like they already had it; you were the only one who had doubts. I could feel it. And… you were the only one who was more interested by the books than the job during the interview; I remember you couldn’t take your eyes of the shelves… So, yes- I just felt you were the right person to help an old man like me.” seriously explains Alberto _with his usual warm and wise tone, but at the same time this soothing smile that never leaves his lips. I never thought someone would one day trust me as he does…_

That’s when the doorbell rings and interrupts them. _It’s Mona._

“ _Hola_!”

“ _Hola_ , just on time! What type of tea today?” enthusiastically asks Alberto, already heading towards their kettle.

“Green tea- and no sugar!”

“I know, as always!”

_It’s every time the same conversation, but they’re so adorable._

“ _Hola cariño_ , how are you today?” asks the old lady, gently cupping Joana’s cheeks.

“Fine and you Mona?” replies the raven-haired girl with a bright and polite smile.

“Oh, I’m alright thank you. Look, I brought you flowers this time.” she enthusiastically says, getting out of her basket _two wonderful flowers;_ _purple and yellow…_ “I thought the purple one would fit with your hair; it’s called an orchid.” she explains, putting a strand of hair behind Joana’s ear and leaving the flower there. “Beautiful.” whispers Mona, softly rubbing the raven-haired girl cheeks, which makes her slightly blush.

“What about the yellow one?” asks Joana, carefully holding it in her hands.

“It’s called a Lent lily, most of the people say it’s the symbol of reunion.”

“It’s beautiful…”

“I think you should give it to the young lady with the golden hair.”

Joana quickly raises her head, a little caught out, as she meets Mona’s knowing gaze.

“Yes… I will.” she says _with the dumbest smile on earth._

_Now these flowers rest in Cris’ notebook… She was so happy when I gave them to her that night; not because of the gift, just because it was making me happy to remember all the meanings around these two colors. But… happiness never stays long. It always gives way to a darker shade of emotions; especially its opposite: sadness._

_Tuesday, 2h58_

Joana wakes up in jolt, breathing heavily, with her pillow soaked by her tears. _Every time it’s the same thing, a perfect dream becomes a complete nightmare. I need to write it._

_I’m in a loud room. The music is filling my body; people are dancing and screaming; and… Cris is in front of me, staring at me with her big, soothing, blue eyes. She’s singing to me one of her favorite song. She’s coming closer and closer, wrapping her arms around my neck. Her lips approach my ear, and that’s when these sharps words resonate in my head: “You’re nothing to me.” In the blink of an eye, the room is completely white, empty and silent. I’m on the ground with a huge hole in my chest and a pain echoing in each of my bones. I’m left all alone. That’s when I woke up; maybe I’m not asleep anymore, but the pain is intact, the void is still here._

The raven-haired girl turns towards Cris, ready to wake her up. _I need you but… I- I…_ She stands up, staggering heavily to their bedroom door. She sits on the couch next to her sketchbook; she grabs it with shaking hands, as her tears keep running down her wet cheeks. _I don’t know how to stop them… come on… don’t say that… breathe…_ She opens her eyes again, staring at the blank page in front of her. _I don’t know what to do… there’s nothing. I need air._ Her breath is unsteady, as she walks to the front door.

In no time, Joana ends up in the street. Raindrops are slowly trickling on her bare arms; her feet meet the cold and wet ground; and her hair gets heavier and heavier as time goes by. _I always found it soothing; the rain… With all this water running on my skin, it feels like- it feels like it’s… giving me strength._

She sits on a bench, letting raindrops meld with her own tears; _as I try to fill the void in my chest with something that doesn’t come from the outside, but from the inside…_

_Sometimes, this emptiness, which always knocks at the doors of my mind without warning, makes some of my days… confusing? Or more like- confused? It’s just- yeah…_

_Thursday, 16h26_

“So, how was your week?”

“Fine.”

“Fine? Okay. I suppose that’s why you’re going in circle in the room since you arrived then.” replies Mrs. Rodríguez with a smile. Joana suddenly stops walking, kind of caught by surprise; _I haven’t realized I was doing that..._ She glances at her therapist, still biting her thumbnail, a little dazed. “It’s alright. Come on, sit down.” she continues with a soothing tone, nodding towards the chair in front of her desk. The raven-haired girl complies and remains silent, staring into space. “You seem a little lost. Do you want to talk about something with me?”

“I- I don’t know…”

“You don’t know if you want to talk about something? Or you don’t know _how_ to express what you want to talk about?”

“Um- the second option.”

“Okay. Let’s take it easy then. Just- tell the thoughts as they are coming in your mind. No filter.”

“Okay… Um- yeah… Why- why do we have to live? Not in the way of _living_ you know. I’m happy to be alive- I guess. But- I don’t like how people want me to live.”

“How do people want you to live? No maybe… Do they- ask you to live things you don’t want to?”

“Kind of? They- they… There’s just this- _concept? -_ of life that I don’t like.”

“Can you explain me this concept? What bothers you about it?”

“Everything. The fact of having to fit in the mold; having a job, or staying in a routine, or having to marry someone, to start a family, to have a house, to have a _stable_ situation, to have money, because if you don’t you just die, because you can’t do anything without it. Having to respect all the time, all these stupid rules. I mean, what’s the point of all of this? I don’t want to live like this. I want to do whatever I want, whenever I want and just- have no constraints or obligations.”

 _She writes something on her notebook; why?_ “Okay. And… then- what do you want to do instead of all these things?”

“I don’t know…” mumbles Joana, bringing her knees close to her chest, still biting her thumbnail.

“Joana, I think you do. Just- let things out.”

“I want… I want- I want to lay all day in bed in Cris’ arms, no job, no school, nothing to bother us. And when we get bored of it; I would just go for a walk, anywhere; with no one staring at me, with no sound. No cars roaring, no people chatting loudly or laughing, no looks, no breeze whistling in my ears; I just want silence sometimes. I want to dive into water and feel it carry me. I want to lay on the ground, feeling it grasp me and let my thoughts get out of my head. Sometimes I want to do nothing. Sometimes I don’t want to wait the sun to rise or to set to admire it. I want to see the moon when I need to see it. I want to draw until I fall asleep. I don’t want to faint when I don’t eat for days, or I want my body to accept all the food I want to eat. I just- I just… I just want to live you know?” lets out the raven-haired, who’s now out of breath.

“Okay, Joana, listen to me. Take your time to get your breath back.” slowly says Mrs. Rodríguez, but she’s quickly interrupted.

“No. Why- why did we create all those things? All those rules? Why can’t we just do the things we want? Just drink and eat and sleep when we need? Why are there hours? Or jobs? Or religions? Or… I don’t know…” _Why am I even crying? Why am I losing control; again?_

“It’s okay Joana… Breathe deeply; focus on your breath.”

_Close your eyes; inhale as long as you can through the nose; exhale as long as you can through the mouth… Feel the chair holding you… You’re in a safe place…_

“Good… Do you want me to answer your questions?” softly asks the therapist, after waiting for Joana to open her eyes again. The raven-haired girl nods slowly. “Sometimes, people need to have control on their lives. These _rules_ allow them to find- a meaning, something to hold on to.”

“A meaning? They’re just lying to themselves.” blurts Joana, _not really knowing where these words are coming from._

“Why?” frowns Mrs. Rodríguez, intrigued.

“Because it’s not real. A job, an apartment, family; nothing’s real. We’re literally on a wet rock, spinning in the middle of nowhere and we consider our life to be a job, to be our relationships? It doesn’t make sense. There’s no meaning; nowhere. I’m literally atoms; I’m composed by star dust, and you’re asking me to find meaning of life meanwhile the entire physics around us has no sense? That’s bullshit.”

_Why is she silently writing something again? Why doesn’t she answer me?_

“Joana, since when do you have this kind of thoughts?”

This question makes the raven-haired girl scoffs. “Since when? Since forever, I guess. But of course, I suppose it’s wrong to think that way, right?”

“I never said it’s wrong.”

“Why am I the only one to think that way then?”

“You’re not the only one.” calmly affirms the therapist, _staring back at me_. Joana swiftly moves her gaze, remaining silent. “But for now, the most important is for you to be able to control these thoughts and don’t let them overwhelm you.”

“How do I do that?”

“Like this. Talking about it, and trying to find answers.”

“And- do you have answers for me…?”

“Well, I wasn’t expecting our session of today to be so philosophical; but yes, I can give you some leads so we could start to think about it together.”

“Okay…” sighs Joana with slight nods, still avoiding Mrs. Rodríguez’ gaze.

“For example, a lot of people find a meaning with experiences. The experience of beauty, of nature, of _love_.”

The raven-haired girl raises her gaze. _She perfectly knows I’m thinking about Cris on these words, about the park, about my passion for art..._

“Or… they find something important when they can bring something to the world around them; helping others, expressing their creativity and share it.”

_She knows me well… I really should talk about my drawing project with her._

“What you need to understand is that you can do what you want to do, _and_ live with the rules around us; they are not incompatible. I think we should take more time to talk about all those things. Do you want us to have more than one session next week? So, we could deal with these questions in depth?”

“Yeah… Why not…”

_When I was younger, I hated therapy. It felt like I was forced to be there. I didn’t want to talk; I just wanted to keep everything to myself and let nobody see what was in my mind. I was scared. But then I understood. The more I talk, the more I can understand myself, my emotions, and how to deal with them. It doesn’t make the illness disappear, not at all; but sometimes, it just- makes the weight in my chest feel a little lighter; especially when some days are more… heated than others. I think they are the ones I hate the most, because they are the ones which always destroy everything…_

_Monday, 13h31_

The couple eats in the small Italian restaurant they discovered the day of their moving-in. They always come here when they need some cheap food they like, out of their apartment.

Joana is talking about the website which answered her 3 days ago, but Cris’ phone vibrates and she’s now looking at it. _Wow… It must be good news to make her smile like that. It’s great to see her happy; it’s been tough days lately. Why does it take her so long to read the message? Is she still listening to me? She’s typing something; it seems that this “someone” is way more interesting than me. Great. And why is she smiling like the Cheshire Cat? Am I that boring? Who is she talking to?_

“Cris, are you listening to me?”

Cris raises her head to give her girlfriend a confused frown. “Yes, of course. You said…” she starts with a warm smile.

“Why are you always looking at your phone then?” interrupts Joana, making the blonde’s grin quickly fade. “We’re specially taking some time together because lately we don’t see each other as much as we used to, and the only thing you find to do is looking at your phone? Do you even care about me?”

“Baby… I am listening to you. I just got a message from my mother.” calmly explains Cris, rubbing the raven-haired girl’s hand.

“It wasn’t your mother. You wouldn’t smile like that. Why are you lying to me?” lets out Joana, withdrawing her girlfriend’s hand.

“I’m not lying.”

“Then show me.”

“Excuse me?” blurts Cris; _her eyebrows couldn’t be higher._

“Show me your phone.”

“No.” coldly replies the blonde. “You’re not going to look into my phone. Am I clear enough?” she continues with the same tone, which makes Joana take a deep breath, as she brings her hand to her mouth. “ _Sapito_ …” softly murmurs Cris, regaining her composure.

“Why are you answering her anyway? I thought you wanted us to take some time together, but you just don’t care about me. You never do.”

The blonde looks at her in disbelief, as she opens her mouth, ready to answer; but then she closes her eyes and takes a deep breath, before staring back at Joana. “I’m answering because she’s inviting me and Dani to celebrate his pay increase and my grades, so- it’s _important_ ; and I’m smiling, because at the same time I received a message from Tomás, who just found you a project; but I was waiting for you to finish talking because _yes_ , I care about you and what you’re telling me.” she calmly affirms with a steady tone.

 _What…?_ Joana stares at her girlfriend, dumbfounded, with her eyes shifting between _her two waiting and scared blue eyes_. _I’m sorry…_

“Listen baby, if we’re going to keep arguing, I prefer to stop this conversation now.” sighs the blonde, defeated, as she stands up.

 _No, don’t leave..._ “Cris, Cris wait! Please...” exclaims Joana, following her girlfriend out of the restaurant.

_She makes so much efforts to help me. It must be so hard for her sometimes… I can’t help but keep asking myself why she’s by my side… but- anyway; when I think things can’t get worse, that’s when the days I fear the most come… Because some days… it’s everything at once. Happiness, sadness, confusion, anger. Everything gets so mixed up in my head, everything happens too fast and it’s unstoppable._

_Saturday, 15h47_

Joana arrives at the skate park, but stays at the entrance, glancing at all the people in front of her. _There’s a lot of people I don’t know…_

“ _Oye_ Joana! Are you coming or what?” yells a man on top of a module, as he waves his arms to make himself visible. _Alec. He’s the first person who came to talk with me when I started frequenting the skate park; I never understood why he came, but- I won’t complain._

He rides down the module and approaches her with a bright grin, but the raven-haired girl hears sniggers behind her, which makes her nervously turn around to find their source, as she starts biting her thumbnail.

“Eh, are you okay…?” he asks, trying to meet her gaze.

“Yeah…” replies Joana with a small smile, looking back at him.

“Good. You’re late.” he points out, greeting her with a fist bump.

“I didn’t know you had hours here.” she retorts with humor.

“Well, we all meet around 15h; remember it next time. We need your laid-back attitude here.” he playfully affirms, which makes Joana snort and shake her head in disbelief. _He reminds me of Eloy sometimes, with his cocky but cute smile._

\--

_It’s past 16h and this place seems more and more packed. I don’t know why, but a group stares at me since I arrived and it starts getting on my nerves. I asked Lucía and Alec if they knew them, but they just shrugged in answer. What’s wrong with them?_

“Always in your mind, huh?” interrupts Lucía with a laugh.

“What…?” asks Joana, pulled out of her thoughts.

“You’re impossible.” she whispers with a grin, shaking her head in disbelief. “I said: Move your ass from this bench and go finally try a kickflip; you’re working on it since forever.”

The raven-haired girl sighs deeply as she rolls her eyes. “You never drop it, do you? Just watch me.” she says, confidently standing up. She lets her board roll a little under her feet before taking an impetus. That’s when _an idiot_ hits her hard during her jump and makes her fall on the ground. _Fuck, it hurts…_ Joana slowly sits up, rubbing her face. _Ouch… I can’t believe the only wound I get from this is a scratch on my cheek._

“ _Joder_! Girl, I’m sorry!” blurts a guy, offering his hand to help her stand up. _Wait_ , _is it a joke? He’s one of the people who couldn’t stop glaring at me. Did he just hit me on purpose?_

“Are you kidding me?”

“What…?”

Joana quickly stands up without his help. “You find it funny to collide with me when I haven’t done anything to you?”

“Eh chill, it was an accident.” he affirms with a frown and _his ridiculous clenched jaw_. 

“Chill? Are you fucking serious?” she lets out, approaching him.

“Wow wow wow, what the fuck Joana? Calm down.” intervenes Alec, holding her arm.

“Don’t touch me! I don’t need you.” explodes the raven-haired girl, furiously withdrawing her arm from his touch. Her eyes quickly shift between all the confused faces in front of her. “You’re all so fucking stupid.” she bursts, angrily grabbing her board and leaving the skate park.

_I can’t believe it. It’s always the same. I can’t trust anyone. They’re all the same; they always attack me and pretend I’m the guilty one._

“Well fuck them!” she yells, starting to hit her board against a wall. _They haven’t even tried to defend me; they don’t care about me. Why did I even try to trust them? With all their fucking stare! They’re all so empty, empty, empty- empty…_

She falls on her knees, as she coughs because of the lack of air, firmly holding one of her board’s broken pieces in her hands. Tears start running down her cheeks, as she curls up to hug herself, sobbing; _alone_.

\--

“Hey _Sapito_ , you’re already back? I thought you told me you were staying there until tonight?” asks Cris without raising her gaze from her work.

“Cris…” whispers Joana with her voice fading.

Her girlfriend immediately looks at her, and her eyes open wide. _It’s not surprising; I must look like shit; breathing heavily, with my liner certainly all over my eyes, a bleeding cheek, my broken skate in one hand and my thumb in my mouth..._ “What happened?” she blurts, worried, as she rushes to the raven-haired girl.

“I messed up… again…” affirms Joana, as she collapses in Cris’ arms. “They’ll never want to see me again… why do I always destroy everything…?” she sobs with her voice muffled in her girlfriend’s neck, holding her tighter and tighter, while Cris tries to soothe her with small kisses and strokes in her hair.

_It’s exhausting… living like this. Ups and downs; not knowing when the next crisis is coming; not being able to control anything. And every time… it’s me; all alone against all of this. No… not alone. I’ve got Cris, the girls, my parents, my therapist…_

Joana takes a deep breath as she opens her eyes with a smile, letting herself come back to the world around her. _The sun warming my skin; the grass holding my body; and the birds filling my head with wonderful songs._

_Finally… some peace…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! 
> 
> Yes, I used the famous Instagram post: “1 día contenta, 1 día triste, 1 día confundida, 1 día enojada, 1 día todo a la vez. Y todas las veces soy yo.”
> 
> I love writing Joana. She’s a sort of outlet for me; and it leads me to apologize, because I’m sure it’s not the kind of thing you could’ve imagine for her character, her personality. I don’t try to represent her as the show would have, but more as I interpreted her, so yeah, sorry.
> 
> Sometimes it might seem a little “excessive”, but it’s part of the illness, so I did my best to represent it.
> 
> \--
> 
> Just something really quick, to say that I think we’ll have other chapters like that, kind of: Joana2 or something. Anyway, the next chapter will be way cuter and happier, don’t worry!
> 
> I really hope you enjoyed! See you soon.


	13. AMW

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just something really sweet for this chapter; let’s celebrate the girls’ 2nd year anniversary, shall we?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AMW for Around My Waist. It’s a really meaningful chapter for me.   
> It clearly works with songs and silences, but I don’t want to impose you special songs for the scenes. I want you to match them with the songs you would play in this kind of special moments, and to be honest, a hundred songs I love could fit with those moments. But at least I can give you 4 songs: The Night We Met - Lord Huron, Hugging You – Acoustic - Tom Rosenthal (Thanks mxmalox! Btw go read her work Redamancy if you haven’t done it yet and give her some love, she is BRILLIANT), AMW – Rizha and Midnight City - M83 (oh come on, 5 songs: Heroes – David Bowie).
> 
> Anyway, hope you’ll enjoy!

Monday, 20h11

After a tiring day for both of them, the couple decided it was still important to do something for their two years anniversary. They are sitting in one of Cris’ favorite bar, waiting for their beers. They are enjoying each other’s company, chatting about their day, giving each other some soft touches and light kisses, and giggling when one of them says something dumb or sweet. _But… something’s missing…_

Joana looks right in Cris’ eyes, knowing she’s feeling the same way.

“Let’s get out of here.” lets out the blonde, releasing a breath she hasn’t realized she was holding. The raven-haired girl replies with a smile, taking her girlfriend’s hand to lead her out of the bar.

“Where do we go?” asks Cris as their skin meet the mild atmosphere of a spring evening.

“I don’t know, let’s find out.” answers Joana with a shrug and a bright smile, leading her to her car. _Her eyes… I love seeing those sparks enlightening her gaze. Something amazing always happens after she gives me this kind of excited smile._

\--

Monday, 20h39

They arrive on a hill, where the sun is already making every windows of the buildings burn. _I never thought there were such amazing places in Madrid… She really has a gift to always find a new way to surprise me…_

“Let’s admire this.” enthusiastically says Joana, already opening her car door.

Cris gets out of the car, being unable to look somewhere else than the colorful city in front of her. She hears her girlfriend searching something in her bag and letting out a little satisfied squeal when she finds it. The blonde walks around the car to lay her back against it, as she watches her girlfriend settling something on the bench next to their parking spot.

That’s when she hears a soft and slow music coming from Joana. _Of course, her speaker._ The raven-haired girl turns towards her with a _wonderful_ smile, offering Cris her hand. _Does she really want us to dance a slow…?_

“Are you serious?” asks the blonde with her eyebrows raised, half-laughing half-blushing.

“This is the most serious thing I’ve ever done.” replies Joana with warm and confident smile, looking right into her eyes. _They are so intense…_

Cris rolls hers with a grin, as she takes her girlfriend’s hands.

Joana places the blonde’s arms on her shoulders, still staring at her _confused blue eyes_ , as she tenderly rests her hands on her waist. While they slowly swing and get closer and closer from each other, the raven-haired girl smirks at the sight of her girlfriend’s burning cheeks.

“Stop staring at me… You know I hate it when you do that…” murmurs Cris with shifty eyes.

“Why? You’re beautiful.” replies Joana with the same tone, trying to meet the blonde’s gaze. _Especially with the sun enlightening your hair…_ The raven-haired girl smiles with a light chuckle, taking one of Cris’ hands to make her turn; the blonde replies with a surprised laugh.

After some exaggerated and funny movements, Cris ends up in Joana’s arms, who’s holding her from behind, as they both watch the sun giving the sky the purest shades of blue, purple, pink and gold. _I feel so safe with your arms wrapped around me…_

“So… a slow with a sunset huh? Well, that’s corny as fuck.” jokes Cris, playing with her girlfriend’s fingers. It makes the raven-haired girl laugh in her neck and hold her tighter. “But you know what?” she whispers, turning her head to face Joana.

“Tell me, _guapa_.”

“I love it.”

As the words reach the raven-haired girl’s ears, her cocky and teasing grin gives way to more intimate and delicate smile. _Her chocolate eyes shine because of the golden light surrounding us…_ They are shifting between Cris’ loving gaze and her slightly curved lips. With no words, they both lean in a gentle, but at the same time- _explosive_ kiss. Their whole bodies are filled with _shivers and butterflies_ , as the blonde turns in her girlfriend’s arms to cup her cheeks with her _soft_ hands.

The kiss grows in something so intimate and caring _that we could think the world around us doesn’t exist anymore. It’s blue, and purple, and yellow, and orange…_ _How is it possible to feel so many things in such a short amount of time…?_

They slowly pull away, as their bodies keep following the music that’s surrounding them. With their eyes closed and their foreheads against each other, they can’t do anything but let their feelings carry them. Cris’ hands are slightly fondling Joana’s skin on her neck; _I can feel your heartbeat on my fingers…_

“Your heart is racing…” murmurs the blonde, softly breaking the silence that was filling their mind. It makes the raven-haired girl faintly smile. She softly nuzzles her nose against Cris’, before slowly brushing her cheek with her lips and resting her head in her neck.

Cris feels Joana holding her tighter, as she sees her shoulders moving quickly with little and messy jolt. _Sapito…_ She moves one of her hands to place her arm around her girlfriend’s waist, while the other one is tenderly stroking her undercut. She remains silent for some minutes, giving the raven-haired girl the time she needs to let go.

Joana slowly loosens her embrace, to rest her forehead against Cris’, with her eyes still closed. At the touch of her girlfriend’s hands rubbing her wet cheeks, she decides to finally glance at her.

The blonde was already looking at her with her _wonderful blue eyes_ and a supportive smile. “Come on, we should eat before it cools.” she affirms, kissing her forehead before ending the hug.

“Yeah…” slightly smiles Joana, wiping her eyes and trying to regain her composure. _No awkward questions, no why, no pressure… when did I get so lucky to find someone who understands and perfectly knows what to do without needing to tell her…?_ “What are you doing?” she asks with a frown, watching her girlfriend putting the pizza boxes on the car roof.

“I want us to sit on the car!” she enthusiastically replies. “I’m sure we’ll perfectly see the stars from there!”

The raven-haired girl keeps watching her in silence with a grin growing brighter and brighter as her girlfriend miserably fails to climb on her car.

“Need some help?” she asks, biting her lips to hold a laugh, as she grabs her speaker.

“Yes…” mumbles Cris, not meeting her gaze, which makes Joana laugh even more.

“Come on, I’m going to give you a leg up.” she states, placing her body properly. “One, two- three…!”

Both burst out laughing as their movements were clearly not what they expected in their minds.

“We’re such losers.” admits Cris, still laughing and settling on the car roof.

“Well, I’m not!” affirms Joana, climbing alone, and now giving the blonde a proud smirk.

“Haha. Whatever.” pouts her girlfriend, slightly pushing the raven-haired girl.

“Come on let’s taste those.” she says, handing Cris her pizza, who’s already rubbing her hands with excitement. _Whatever we eat, she always seems so cheerful._ The blonde takes a slice and gulps it in no time.

“You’re not going to like it. It’s already cold.” laughs Cris, looking at her girlfriend with a teasing but at the same time apologizing grin. The raven-haired sighs deeply with a painful and disgusted frown, as she takes a slice. “So?” asks her girlfriend, waiting for her reaction.

“It’s awful…” lets out Joana with a chuckle, which makes her girlfriend laugh even more. “Seriously, I don’t know what I’m doing with a girl who prefers eating a cold pizza over a hot one. It’s almost insulting.” she jokes, raising her eyebrows in humor.

“ _Oye_! First, I never said I prefer cold ones; and second, it’s you who hasn’t thought about the fact that they would cool; it’s not my fault!” replies Cris with her hands raised in innocence. Joana rolls her eyes in disbelief as they both can’t stop laughing.

\--

After eating- _well “eating” is a big word_ , the stars start illuminating the dark. _No clouds, no lights, we’re lucky…_ Joana lays down on her back, staring at the sky. Cris silently watches her with a content smile, before laying next to her. _It’s stars-time._

“So, what are we looking for today Captain?” asks Cris, taking a serious voice.

“I don’t know yet.” calmly answers Joana, forming a triangle with her hands and looking at the sky through it.

Cris moves to close the gap between their bodies; she tenderly takes her hands and shapes a heart with her own hands and Joana’s, so they can look through it together. “I think it’s better that way…”

“And I’m the cheesy one…?” softly asks the raven-haired girl, staring at their joined hands.

“Yeah…” murmurs Cris, before leaving a smiling kiss on her lips.

“It’s strange…” sighs Joana, letting her hands fall on her stomach, still looking at the stars.

“What?”

“This feeling- it’s… bittersweet. Can you believe we already spent 2 years of our lives together…?” she asks, finally glancing at the blonde. _Her smile… I’ll never get bored of it…_ “But… at the same time- I can’t stop thinking about all the time we’ve lost during these two years- because of me…” she continues, staring back at the sky.

“Don’t say that…” immediately replies Cris, resting her hand on her girlfriend’s cheek. “We haven’t lost any second of these two years. Hard moments just gave us the opportunity to get stronger. Together.”

Joana turns her head to face her. They silently smile at each other, before leaning into a slow, deep and loving kiss. _This one is dark blue._

“Cris…?” murmurs Joana when they pull away, their forehead against each other.

“Yes?”

“Be honest…”

“I’m always honest.”

“I’m serious.”

“I know.”

“Right now, at the very moment; do you think we’ll last forever?”

_In another situation, I would’ve stupidly joked with some kind of “Is it a proposal?”. But not now. Now is important._ Cris takes some time to gather her thoughts, before taking a deep breath.

“In this minute… It’s hard for me to imagine my life without you. Not waking up with you by my side every morning; not kissing you for good night; not feeling your safe arms wrapped around my body; not being able to talk about everything that’s going on in my head and feel understood. Yes, it would be really hard- so, thinking about spending our whole life together is pretty appealing.” she affirms with a fond smile, looking right into her girlfriend’s eyes. “And- you asked me to be honest so I should tell you everything- I don’t know _why_ I have this feeling in me, this intuition? - I feel that whatever happens… I’ll always love you. I think you will always be part of my life in some way… You came and you turned everything upside down, and it will never be the same now that I’ve let you in. So, yes… I guess- forever is a good word to define us.”

“Is it a bad thing…? That I entered your life?” immediately asks Joana with a worried gaze.

“What? No, not at all! It was the scariest thing I’ve ever done- of course, but it was way more than worth it.” affirms Cris, before kissing her girlfriend to wipe all these insecurities in her mind.

“So… you’re happy with me…?” asks the raven-haired girl, smiling because of this unexpected kiss.

“Yes. And you…? Do you feel happy?” replies her girlfriend rubbing her cheek.

“Yes. And… to be honest- I never thought I would one day be able to say that...”

They smile at each other, before Cris leaves a small kiss on her girlfriend’s forehead.

\--

Monday, 23h24

They are on the road, going back to their apartment. Joana’s free hand rests on Cris’ thigh, while her girlfriend is enjoying the evening atmosphere with her opened window, letting her arm follow the outside breeze. The radio is softly filling their ears with some music; _it’s so soothing… sometimes we can stay silent and just- enjoy the moment. The road is pretty empty for a Monday, even if it’s already 23h… but- that’s amazing, being alone on the road and only having the lights of the city following us in the dark. It’s beautiful…_

“Oh my god… I love this song!” exclaims Cris, clapping her hands as she looks enthusiastically at her girlfriend. They exchange a small smile before Joana turns up the volume.

The raven-haired girl stares back at the empty road in front of her. _Yeah… no one…_ She decides to step on the accelerator, feeling the car carry them and the lights getting blurry. Cris looks at her, a little confused, but at the same time with an excited smile.

Joana opens her window, and passes her head through it with a bright grin, before starting to scream at the top of her lungs. Her girlfriend imitates her, and passes her upper body through the window, with one hand holding her into the car, while the other one is waving to the city. _Her untied blonde hair is flying into the dark sky, mixing with the lights of the buildings and forming a golden comet tail behind our car. She is so beautiful…_

Cris is now screaming too, letting out some joyful squeals and laughs; that’s when they enter the tunnel.

_The song and our screams echoing in the tunnel; the warm lights wrapping us; the speed making the air brushing our skins; and just- us, alone in the world for some seconds. Nothing can catch us. Nothing can stop us. She’s right; our love will never fade. It can’t fade- because…_

_We’re bound forever._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed!
> 
> To me Cris and Joana’s relationship really starts with the clip Perdoname, it’s like “official”, so I assume their anniversary is on the 26th of April. I checked my calendar and it falls on a Monday in 2021, so yeah, that’s all, I just like being on point with dates xD
> 
> Anyway, I wanted to do something really intimate and soothing; and yes, to me a date with pizzas and stars is a fucking successful date!  
> Yep, the last moment clearly gives me the vibes from the tunnel scene from The Perks of Being a Wallflower (by the way, stay safe, respect the speed limits, thanks!). I don’t know if there’s a tunnel in Madrid and to be honest I don’t care x)
> 
> \--
> 
> Y’all are really calm and silent lately, don’t hesitate to express what you think about the fic! I want to see what you’re expecting for our favorite girls!


	14. Little attentions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! It’s just a chapter like this, to give some happy and fluffy moments to these girls. Hope you’ll enjoy!

Saturday, 9h36

The light of the morning passes through their white curtains, while a small breeze enters the room and brushes her skin. She lets her eyes adapt to the beam of light warming her pillow and feels the softness of the sheets surrounding her waist, as her body starts to wake up with her mind.

Unfortunately, when her hand tries to find her girlfriend’s warm body next to her, she only feels the cold mattress against her fingertips. She slowly turns around with a groan and grabs the pillow in front of her to deeply breathe the scent _of our last cigarette, of her fruity shampoo I hate, and of the old papers she works with everyday… but… all these smells aren’t hers. No… her smell is more like… spicy, but sweet at the same time… it’s impossible to describe how soothing it is, how it makes my heart slow down, and how it makes the world feel less dull and sometimes livelier…_

As she lets her mind wander in her daydream, she feels something prickle her stomach. She slowly sits up, rubbing her eyes and letting her hands brush her hair, when she finally sees the little paper resting on her girlfriend’s shape in their bed.

_\--_

_Good morning guapa. I hope you’re waking up as I did, with this strange but at the same time reassuring feeling in your chest. I couldn’t sleep this night, because the images of our embrace were turning over and over in my head, as your moans were echoing on my skin. I needed to draw every line of your body…_

About twenty small sketches are waiting for her; _some are representing my big blue laughing eyes with so many details… others perfectly depict the lines of my mouth; and some shows…_ A heat starts rising in her neck, followed by goosebumps near her ears and a warm feeling reddening her cheeks. _Fuck… it’s so erotic._ Cris hides her face in her hands with a nervous laugh, self-conscious. _This idiot perfectly knew I was going to react that way!_

_I can’t wait to meet your soul again after another tiring day and let myself dive in your golden hair with your arms holding my aching body. Each passing second brings this moment closer and I can’t think of anything else than continuing what we started last night. I hope you’re feeling the same…_

_Have a wonderful day my love._

\--

_Last night… It was something. She arrived in the apartment with a huge bunch of flowers. She told me she hadn’t taken the same way as usual to go home and she ended up in a flower shop and asked the florist to put in a bouquet all the sorts of flowers she had in the shop. I love how she just- do things and doesn’t realize it’s amazing and so… caring and loving. Sometimes, I wish I were as good as she is at expressing my feelings… just to show her how much she means to me…_

\--

Saturday, 18h44

 _I can’t believe this fucking elevator is out of service- again. What a great idea Joana to choose an apartment on the 5 th floor. _After angrily hitting the door with the palm of her hand because of the stuck lock, she _finally_ enters the apartment.

“No no no, wait!” exclaims her girlfriend from another room.

“What? Cris, if you cleaned the floor, don’t worry, I was going to leave my shoes in the entrance anyway.” grumbles Joana, heading towards the living room.

“I said wait!” Cris jumps out of the kitchen to stop the raven-haired girl, which startles her and makes her curse. Joana gestures in annoyance and gives her girlfriend a confused glare. “Sorry- hey…” she whispers with an apologizing grin, as she softly fondles Joana’s undercut.

“Hey…” murmurs back the raven-haired girl, already relaxed by her touch. Cris greets her with a kiss, as she wraps her arms around her waist. Then, Joana slowly rests her head on her girlfriend’s shoulder, breathing deeply in her neck as she holds her tighter. “I missed you…” she mumbles against her skin.

“Me too…” smiles Cris, as she pulls away, softly stroking her cheeks.

“So… why can’t I enter my own apartment?”

“It’s just that I read your message this morning and… I had an idea. Close your eyes.” softly affirms the blonde with a proud grin.

“The last time I closed my eyes for one of your surprises, I almost lost my left foot so…” starts Joana with a teasing smile, but she’s quickly interrupted by a tap on her forehead.

“Just shut up, and listen to me.”

“Okay, okay…” sighs the raven-haired girl, putting her right hand on her eyes. “Excuse me, _Madame_.” she continues with a mocking posh tone; this time she receives a slap on her shoulder. “Ouch!” she lets out with a laugh, as Cris takes her other hand.

“Come on.”

The blonde tries her best to lead Joana in their living room and avoid each furniture. “Cris, I swear to god if you redecorated our living room without me, I’m going to…”

“You’re going to?” interrupts the blonde with a teasing tone.

“Um… I’m going to- I’m going to… be really mad.” stammers the raven-haired girl, a little taken aback.

“Wow… You’re really- scary, right now.” admits Cris with humor, before bursting out laughing with Joana. “Come on, just stand here- and don’t open your eyes yet!”

“Okay… Can I open them now?”

“No! For fuck sake, you’re such a pain!” lets out Cris, giggling with her girlfriend.

That’s when Joana hears a little click coming from the same spot as the blonde’s voice. “Ouuuh… I like this little noise.”

“Now you can open your eyes.” softly says her girlfriend; _I can feel your excited grin just by the tone of your voice._

“I’m scared…” jokes the raven-haired girl with a sigh, before removing her hand.

_Fuck…_

Her eyes need some time to accommodate to the low light of the room coming from the garland shining in front of her. The living-room is a completely different compared to when she left this morning; their usual couch is covered by sheets and blankets, which are hold in the air by many strings, chairs, _and even our broom stick_. All of this forms a small hut in the middle of their apartment, which is filled with so many pillows that she can’t count them; with their two soft duvets; and with the blanket Joana gave Cris when they were still living with their parents; _she even placed my guitar and my sketchbook in it…_

“Cris… it’s beautiful…” whispers Joana to her girlfriend, who’s staring at her with a bright excited grin.

“Come, you haven’t seen everything.” enthusiastically says the blonde, taking her hand and making her crouch to enter this _little heaven_. Joana’s eyes open wide; there are on the couch tons- _and tons isn’t_ _enough_ \- of snacks: _my favorite candy and chips, popcorn, drinks…_ _how the…?_

“Are we celebrating something or…?” finally asks the raven-haired girl, dumbstruck, as she turns towards her smiling girlfriend.

“Well… you wanted to continue what we started last night so…” admits Cris as she leans forward, not being able to control her irrepressible desire to kiss her girlfriend’s lips, but she finds a way to pull away and let their forehead meet each other. “I just wanted to do things right. Do you like it…?” she murmurs, nuzzling her nose against Joana’s, as her hand strokes the back of her neck.

The raven-haired girl bites her lower lip with a small smile, as she tenderly puts a strand of hair behind Cris’ ear. Her only answer is continuing the kiss they just stopped; it’s more intimate but at the same time more fervent, and in a way, it’s also thankful.

\--

Saturday, 22h37

They’re lying on the duvets with their legs intertwined and their hands stroking each other’s bare skin. More than half of the food is gone, the movie they started an hour ago is already long forgotten, and now a low music is accompanying their passionate kisses and loving caresses.

Joana’s hand slowly follows Cris’ arm to end up on her shoulder, and then tenderly strokes her neck. It’s now playing in her golden hair, as the raven-haired girl leaves warm kisses on her girlfriend’s neck, cheeks and forehead. She lets her nose brush Cris’, feeling her burning breath against her lips.

“We should do this kind of thing more often...” whispers Joana, still keeping the blonde’s body as close as she can.

“Yeah…” lazily murmurs back Cris with a low and distant tone.

“You’re falling asleep…” smiles the raven-haired girl, feeling her girlfriend’s breath slowing down and weakening.

“I’m not…” she mumbles, moving in her arms to rest her head on her neck.

“Come on, let’s go to bed. We’re going to freeze here…”

“No… don’t move… I want to sleep like this tonight, against your body, please…” asks Cris, clinging to Joana’s waist.

“Okay, okay… Just let me grab something to warm you up, you’re starting to shake.”

“It’s not my fault if you’re not hot enough…”

“Just shut up…” laughs Joana, as she fondly covers their body with a blanket and wraps her arms around Cris.

“I love you…” murmurs the blonde against her skin.

“I love you too. Good night _Sapito_.”

Joana smiles as she doesn’t get an answer, before also letting herself fall in Morpheus’ arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!
> 
> I know that most of the people don’t read those stupid notes, but I just need to tell you that I’m thinking about ending this fic soon. I’m feeling like all the chapters are kind of repeating themselves and I think that’s stupid. I already have all the last chapters in mind, so... we'll see. 
> 
> Anyway, feel free to leave your thoughts about this new chapter, thank you again.


	15. Doubts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, I’m back! This chapter is kind of “transitional”? There’s just a lot of conversations, but don’t worry the next chapters will be different.   
> Anyway, hope you’ll enjoy!

Saturday, 14h56

Joana already ringed two times in 20 seconds at her parents’ house, and she goes to do it for a third time, nervously scratching her head with her other hand.

“ _Sapito_ , I think they heard the ring.” softly says Cris, resting her hand on her girlfriend’s shoulder.

“You’re right- sorry…” mumbles the raven-haired girl with shifty eyes.

Cris tenderly smiles and slowly withdraws Joana’s hand from her mouth, putting a strand of her black hair behind her ear, as the door in front of them opens.

Camila appears behind it and immediately frowns at the sight of the two young women in front of her. “What are you two doing here?” she asks, confused _but with her usual soothing beam._

“I- I needed to see you.” blurts Joana, almost jumping to hug her mother.

“Oh… my baby girl…” whispers Camila, cradling her daughter, as she tenderly smiles at Cris over her shoulder.

\--

“Oh my god… Your hair was so light!” exclaims Cris, holding one of the multiple photo albums Camila brought her, as she stares with an amazed smile at her pouting girlfriend in front of her.

“Mom, you didn’t have to show her this kind of picture…” mutters Joana with crossed-arms.

“Come on _cariño_ , you were so cute with your way too big guitar next to you; Cris couldn’t miss that.” admits her mother with a laugh, exchanging a knowing gaze with the blonde.

“Yes _cariño_ , look at you.” mocks Cris, proudly showing one of the photos to her girlfriend. Joana grabs a pillow on the couch next to her and throws it to the two laughing women in front of her, trying to hide her smile.

That’s when they hear the front door open, before Esteban enters the living room and stops in surprise. “Oh… hey! I didn’t expect to see you here.” he admits with a frown.

“Um- we had some time and I thought it would be great to see you.” explains Joana, while her father gives his wife and Cris a kiss on each cheek.

“I’m happy you’re here.” he affirms with a grin, hugging her. “That’s funny because I wanted to call you this afternoon.”

“Why?” asks the raven-haired girl with a frown, as they pull away.

“Um… we just need to talk about something.”

“Okay… um- tell me.” she replies, waiting for him to continue.

“No, I mean- just the two of us.” he blurts, glancing at the two other women in the room.

“Alright… let’s go upstairs, I guess.” hesitantly says Joana, as she exchanges a confused gaze with Cris and her mother.

\--

Joana sits on her former desk, giving her father the same confused and now worried gaze, which hasn’t left her face for the last minute.

“Don’t look at me like that, everything’s fine.” affirms Esteban with a smile as he closes the door behind him.

“Well, it seems pretty serious, how do you want me to not stress out?”

“Eh, calm down… It’s just that your mother told me you wanted to go to Argentina with Cris and I just think it’s important to talk about it.”

“For fuck sake… it’s impossible for you two to keep something secret, huh?” lets out Joana with an annoyed sigh as she rolls her eyes, grasping tighter the desk under her.

“What were you expecting? Of course, she tells me this kind of thing, _hija_! Plus, I was going to know it anyway.”

“Maybe, but can’t you just let me talk about it with you when I’m ready? Is it too much to ask?”

Esteban remains silent under his daughter’s glare, before lowering his head. “You’re right, I’m sorry…” he sighs, resting his hands on his hips to regain some composure. “Joana… I just- I just wanted to tell you that I could call your grandma, or your aunt so you could…”

“I don’t want to see them.” interrupts the raven-haired girl, staring at the wall to her right, avoiding his gaze.

“Come on, not to me- of course you want to show Cris the village.”

Joana slightly shakes her head, as she takes a deep breath and runs her hands in her hair. “This idea was stupid. I just freaked out the entire 2 weeks before Christmas because I couldn’t find her a gift. That morning, I just quickly draw this childish voucher, and when she said Argentina- I was happy but at the same time completely stuck. I don’t know if I really want to do it. So many things could go wrong because of me. Plus, it’s- it’s a part of my past... and I- I don’t know- but I can’t just change my mind like that, it would be so unfair for her...” she explains with her usual nervous gestures and her eyes shifting between her father, her feet and the entire room around them. 

“You never told her?” simply asks Esteban, which immediately makes her meet his calm and soothing gaze with a stern but at the same time fearful stare. “Joana… I know it’s hard for us to talk about it; but I also know that to you, Cris isn’t like- like the others… You can trust her and- I think that’s what frightens you.” he affirms, slowly approaching his daughter who’s avoiding his eyes again. He fondly rubs her cheeks, as he makes her raise her gaze, before stroking her long messy hair. “I just want you to remember one thing. When you love someone; discovering new things about them isn’t bad, in contrary, it only duplicates the feelings.”

“Since when are you the one who gives me love advices?” replies Joana with a small smile forming on her lips.

“How do you think I married your mother?” he asks, falsely-offended.

“You were just lucky.”

“Maybe.” he admits, making both of them slightly laugh. “Just talk to her and- if you can’t tell her everything- at least you have to tell her how you feel about this trip. It's the least you can do; you can't stay like that. Don’t be afraid.” he continues, taking his daughter in his arms.

“Yeah… thanks dad…” sighs Joana, hugging him back.

\--

Friday, 16h36

 _Why am I even stressed? It’s not like I’m the one passing the exam…_ Joana sits again on the couch for the fourth time in the last minute, nervously tapping her thighs with her fingertips. _She was way more confident this time, but we never know, it could be about subjects she doesn’t like… I hope not…_

She hears the key clanging against their front door and rushes into the entrance.

“Hey!” hastily says Joana, trying to sound calm but miserably failing. 

“Hey…” _Shit… that’s not good…_ She gives Cris a worried gaze, but the blonde smiles as she turns towards her. “The subject was about the classifications in psychopathology. I think I rocked.” she admits with a proud grin.

Joana lets out a deep relieved sigh as she goes to hug her. “I’m proud of you.” she fondly affirms, putting a strand of hair behind her ear and kissing her forehead.

“I knoooow.” replies Cris with a goofy voice, making both of them giggle. “ _Oye_ … Now that all of this is finally over, can we talk about something?” she softly asks, nuzzling her nose against Joana’s.

“Y’all want to talk about something with me lately or what?” jokes Joana, leading them to sit on the couch.

_She seems… hesitant. Something big is coming._

“I just need to know- well, we’re already in May and we haven’t talked about our trip yet…” _Of course… the trip…_ “So… um- I wanted to know if you had a date in mind? Maybe, you want to go there for your birthday…?”

“What? Hell no. No birthday there, never.”

“Okay… It’s just that- you remember I told you Hernando offered me a contract until the end of June; but he called me Wednesday and asked me if I could prolong it until the end of July.”

“For your summer job?”

“Yes… I just need to know when you want to go there- but I also can decline his offer.” quickly affirms the blonde.

_To be honest, I never thought she would really try to find something for this summer, but after an umpteenth fight with her parents a month ago, she was really determined to prove them wrong. It’s a miracle that in a so small amount of time someone accepted her, but well, she’s always the lucky girl. Cloe’s uncle needs a waitress in the evening for his bar. I’m not fond of the idea of Cris serving beers to completely drunk men in a shitty street of Madrid in the middle of the night, but… “Don’t worry, I’m used to it with the café in Zaorejas! Most of the time they’re really nice and just a little clumsy.” I guess I’m stressing out for nothing…_

Cris decides to continue as her girlfriend seems _on another planet_. “Look _Sapito_ , I know it’s hard for us to plan things and everything, but if you want, I can take care of all of this and we…”

“I don’t know if I want to do this trip anymore.” interrupts Joana, clearly unable to look at the blonde’s expression, who’s now silent. “I know it was your Christmas gift, and I can’t just change my mind like this, but… It’s- it’s…”

“Eh… If you don’t want to do it, we don’t have to.” immediately affirms Cris, tenderly squeezing the raven-haired girl’s hands.

“But I want to do it… It’s just that- so many things could happen between now and the time we get in the plane- and, I really want to show you where I grew up- everything, really; but at the same time, you meeting my family and just- my past… it scares me, a lot. Plus, the fact of going there without my parents, it feels- strange…”

“Okay… Okay- first, breathe...” says the blonde, a little taken aback, rubbing her girlfriend’s shoulders. “Second… I’m repeating myself, but we don’t have to do anything. And third, we can just plan the weeks when we want to go there and take the plane tickets on the last moment, and… we don’t have to organize our trip. If you won’t feel like going to see your family, we won’t go there; if you’ll feel like staying in the same street of Buenos Aires for 2 weeks, it’s okay for me.”

“Yeah amazing… we always do things depending on me…” sighs Joana with a small voice, staring at their intertwined hands.

“Eh, stop that. We’ll see okay…? Whatever happens, we’ll be together, and that’s the most important. A trip or not, your family or not, I don’t care. I just want us to enjoy 2 weeks where the only thing we have to worry about is the two of us.” affirms Cris, tenderly rubbing her cheek.

_Why am I always so stupid…? Of course, she didn’t react badly; how could I even think she would…?_

“What do you think about early August?” asks the raven-haired girl, a little more confident and finally meeting her girlfriend’s gaze.

“That’s perfect.” she replies with a supportive smile.

“I’m sorry... I’m such a mess…” sighs Joana, resting her forehead on the blonde’s shoulder.

“Don’t say that, you’re not a mess. Look at you- you sorted things out, and that’s the most important…” softly says Cris, wrapping one arm around her girlfriend’s body, while her other hand tenderly strokes her hair, as she leaves small kisses on the top of her head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this isn’t the kind of chapter I’m used to write, but I needed it to be here so we could continue all of this! Anyway, I hope you enjoyed, and don’t worry, things are coming really soon!


	16. Bartender

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yep, already a new update! Just something short about Cris and her new job.

Thursday, 23h19

Cris is cleaning some tables, as the brouhaha of the room gets confused with some acoustic guitar coming from their sizzling speakers. _Fortunately, there’s no game tonight so the bar is pretty calm; even if most of our clients are students celebrating their exams. What wouldn’t I do to drink a pint… or at least see the girls… What a great idea Cris to take a job which makes you work in the evening. At least my colleague is having fun; it seems that he is hitting on a raven-haired girl with an oversized denim jacket. Wait… it’s **my** raven-haired girl with an oversized denim jacket._

“But how do you know Cris? You’re one of her friends from Uni?”

“Well…”

“Sebastian, don’t waste your time; she’s my girlfriend.” affirms the blonde with _a little too hostile_ hand on his shoulder.

“Wha… Oh fuck- sorry!” he blurts with his eyes shifting between the two girls. “Well, I- I should go.” he stammers, pointing behind him, as he leaves the two women, who try to hold a laugh.

“Hey.” says Joana with a smirk, leaning forward.

“Hey.” repeats Cris, before giving her girlfriend a small kiss. “What are you doing here?” she asks, a little more seriously, which makes the raven-haired girl hesitate a second.

“Nice guy.” she jokes, looking at Sebastian.

“Yeah… nice but a little- _desperate_ sometimes.”

“At least he’s cute.”

“True.” admits the blonde with a small nod, before staring back at her girlfriend, realizing what they’re doing. “Are we really checking my colleague out together?”

“Yep.” replies Joana with a grin, making both of them burst out laughing.

“ _Oye_ …” sighs Cris, stroking her girlfriend’s cheek. “You haven’t answered my question. What are you doing here…?”

“I just wanted to get drown in your eyes and I couldn’t wait until tomorrow to do it.”

“Stop being so cheesy!” complains the blonde with a laugh, staring at the loving and shining pair of eyes in front of her. “Wait… did you drink…?” she asks with a worried frown.

“Well… I drank a little of this beer that your charming colleague just served me and… um- I entered the wrong bar 30 minutes ago but I decided that a beer or two wasn’t a bad idea.” explains the raven-haired girl with a grin, as she plays with Cris’ braid.

_I can’t believe she still thinks her smirk works with me. She doesn’t seem fine… Plus, that’s unusual; she hasn’t drunk alone for months._

“Sebastian? I’m taking my break!”

“What? Now? Are you serious Cris?” sighs her colleague, looking at her in disbelief from the other end of the counter. 

“Yep! Oh, and I’m taking you a cigarette.” she says with a bright grin, showing him the one she just grabbed from his pack.

“Eh! You already owe me one!”

“Well, I owe you two now. Thanks!” shrugs the blonde, taking her laughing girlfriend’s hand.

\--

“You’re so pretty with this black apron and your polo shirt, you know that?” affirms Joana when they’re out of the bar, wrapping her arms around Cris’ body, before lovingly kissing her.

“Eh… slow down…” whispers her girlfriend as she pulls away, resting her forehead against Joana’s and cupping her cheeks. “It’s not that I’m not enjoying this, but…”

“Yeah… sorry.” smiles the raven-haired girl, leaving a last peck on Cris’ lips before giving her some space. The blonde tenderly kisses her cheek, before lighting her cigarette and letting her girlfriend fondle her hair.

“Um… I was wondering… I could wait you; so we could go back home together.” hesitantly says Joana, scratching her neck. 

“That’s why you’re here?” firmly asks Cris with a frown, holding her girlfriend’s chin so she has to face her.

“No…”

“ _Amor_ , we already had this conversation. Nothing’s going to happen to me. I know the way by heart and I always have my phone in my hand ready to call you or anyone. Plus, most of the time, the streets aren’t completely empty and I’m used to go back home alone. You have nothing to worry about, okay…?”

“I’m sorry…”

“I know…” sighs the blonde, wrapping her arms around her girlfriend’s neck. “Look, I have 3 hours left; so, you’re going to go back home, take some rest and if you really want to do _something_ with me tonight, I’ll just wake you up when I’ll come back, okay?” she affirms with a teasing smile, nuzzling her nose against Joana’s.

“It sounds great.” admits the raven-haired girl with a small smile forming on her lips.

“Right…?” murmurs Cris with a bright grin, before giving her a tender kiss.

“Um… not to be a spoilsport huh- because I’m really enjoying this-- but I think your break is maybe taking a little too long.” says Joana with a slight laugh, not moving an inch to break their embrace.

“You’re right, you’re a spoilsport.” jokes Cris, before kissing her cheek. “That’s why you better wait for me without those clothes on.” she whispers in her ear. “Anyway, see you later, _guapa_.” she teases, winking at her blushing and not-breathing-anymore girlfriend, as she enters the bar again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I like this chapter and at the same I hate it; and the worst is that I don’t know why x)  
> \--  
> Lately, I was thinking about the future of this fic and I think that maybe I should try what I first wanted to do with it, which is writing small glimpses of these two adorable girls’ life. So yeah, the next chapters (maybe 2 or 3) will be short like this one. 
> 
> Anyway, I hope you enjoyed! See you soon :)


	17. Driving lesson

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything is in the title!

Tuesday, 10h57

“Are you ready?”

“No…”

“Cris…”

“What if I drive into a wall? Or into one of those stupid street lamps, huh? Plus, I don’t like this parking lot.” pouts the blonde, crossing her arms in front of her chest.

“You’re not going to drive into something, and this parking lot is perfect; there’s no one to bother us.” affirms her girlfriend, perfectly knowing where this conversation is going. _Not that we already had it 84 times, not at all._

“No one, no one… We already met 4 cars.” complains Cris, looking at the raven-haired girl with raised eyebrows.

Joana closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. “Look. If you don’t want to do it, it’s okay, I don’t want to force you; but you perfectly know that the minute we leave this place you’re going to regret it. The problem is that we won’t be able to come back here before next week, _and_ on top of that, we’re losing the little time we have together. So now, just decide yourself.” she sternly lets out, as surprised as her girlfriend is by her own tone.

Cris stares at the wheel in front of her, before firmly holding it. “You stay with me.”

“I wasn’t planning to go anywhere else.” says the raven-haired girl with a softer tone, brushing her arm.

“Stop joking... If you feel that I’m losing control you intervene, okay?” replies the blonde, giving her girlfriend determined but at the same fearful eyes.

“Yes.” affirms Joana, staring back at her with a reassuring gaze. “In any case, you won’t exceed 20 km/h and my hand will stay near the handbrake.” she explains, rubbing her shoulder as Cris gives her some nervous nods.

“Alright. Revision of the pedals. What is the one in the middle?”

“Um…”

“ _Dios_ … we’re screwed…” laughs the raven-haired girl as she rubs her eyes.

“Why do you ask me the one in the middle?! I know that the right pedal is the accelerator, and then I can tell you the others according to this one!” affirms her girlfriend in front of a confused Joana.

“Can’t you just know the pedals?” she asks, still laughing. 

“But I know them!”

“Okay, okay… Are you ready?”

Cris deeply breathes out, as she stares at the wide-open space in front of her. “Yes.”

“Okay, reminder. You keep your feet on the clutch and on the brake pedal, as you turn the engine on; and then…

“And then I move into gear one, I release the handbrake and I move my right feet to press the accelerator while I let go the clutch, I know.”

“Perfect.” smiles Joana, as she pokes her girlfriend’s cheek, making her lips slightly curve.

Cris confidently turns the key and respects every step the raven-haired girl just reminded her, but the car stalls. Joana can’t help but laugh at the situation, receiving a slap on her thigh.

\--

Joana is crouching next to her car, carefully checking one of her tires.

“I’m warning you; I’ll never touch your car again!”

“Cris… don’t say that, you were doing great.” sighs the raven-haired girl, standing up and walking towards her girlfriend, _who’s at least now ten meters away from the car_.

“Great? I almost ruined your tires!”

“I just checked them, there’s nothing. I’m sure you didn’t hit the sidewalks; you must have driven on a bottle or something.” 

“Why are there sidewalks in the middle of a parking lot anyway?” mutters Cris with crossed-arms.

“To protect the pedestrians from the cars maybe?” jokes Joana with a teasing smile, but she quickly loses it because of her girlfriend’s grumpy stare. “Come on Cris…When I say that you’re doing great, I mean it. When I started to drive, I wasn’t a quick learner as you are, believe me.”

“Yeah but it’s because you’re the one teaching me… It won’t be the same when I will be with an instructor.”

“Of course, it’ll be the same.” affirms the raven-haired girl, fondly putting a strand of hair behind her ear.

“I’m good for nothing…” sighs Cris, rubbing her eyes as she lowers her head.

“Eh, stop saying this kind of things. No one perfectly drive the first time they take a wheel in their hands.” immediately replies Joana, a finger under her girlfriend’s chin.

“Yeah but that’s the problem. My father used to make me drive in vacant lots too; and it never worked. I always ended up crying because I was messing everything up… Driving is so complicated and… stressful.” explains the blonde, avoiding Joana’s gaze.

“If you don’t feel ready you shouldn’t force yourself.”

“Yes, of course, I have to force myself! I’m not independent. When I need a drive, I always have to ask you.”

“It doesn’t bother me.”

“Well, it bothers _me_.”

Joana remains silent at her girlfriend’s statement, a little taken aback. _She’s under so much pressure lately. She’s still waiting for her results; she started her first real job; and she decided to start learning the Highway Code- and that’s great but… she isn’t really doing it for herself… She’s just tired of fighting with her parents all the time and being told that she’s just a kid… The worst is that I can’t do anything…_

“Do you feel safe with me?” asks the raven-haired girl, which makes Cris look at her, confused.

“What…?”

“Do you feel safe when I’m with you in the car?”

The blonde slightly nods in response.

“Well, if you want, we can try to come here more often; and when you’ll feel a little more at ease, you’ll think about having real lessons with an instructor. What do you think?”

Cris shrugs as she stares at her feet. “Come here.” murmurs Joana, hugging her and leaving small kisses in her hair.

“Can we go home…?” weakly asks her girlfriend after a few minutes.

“I thought you didn’t want to touch my car again.”

“Shut up…” she sighs, burying her face even more in Joana’s neck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yep, driving lesson, don’t ask me why; but they’re an Evak couple after all, so… Plus, it was really fun to imagine them like that.  
> To be honest, I just love writing this kind of “domestic life” moments, because yeah, we have a serious lack of short fic like that for this cute couple.   
> Anyway, I hope you enjoyed :)


	18. Twenty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Joana’s birthday guys, here we go!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Guys, I can’t believe we have more than 200 kudos and 3100 hits, it’s just completely insane. Thank you so much for all your cute comments and for following me with this messy fic, really.)

_Lights everywhere blinding me. Flashes making me feel dizzy. Shapes all around me, compressing my chest. I can barely breathe. Why are there so many laughs in my ears? I’m suffocating… A last flash and I find myself curled up on the floor, naked. Water is trickling down my body, as I try to stand up. The room is black, but at the same time completely white. A huge spotlight is now lighting me, as hundreds, no- thousands of eyes are staring at me. Please stop… I’m trying to cover myself with my arms, but the laughs get louder and louder and louder… Help me… I try to flee but the ground under my feet falls away, as it takes me with it. It’s like something is grabbing my neck and pulling me deeper and deeper, until I meet the ground again…_

Wednesday, 4h48

A huge shiver crosses her body, as she finds herself under the sheets, with this usual white reassuring ceiling in front of her, Cris’ weight by her side and a cold sweat soaking her skin.

 _Heavy. So heavy. And this headache… I can feel my heartbeat pulsing on my temples…_ Joana sits up, holding her head in her hands, before grabbing her phone and waiting for her eyes to accommodate to _this damn way too bright screen, even if my background is a night sky. 4h49. I’ve only slept an hour, great- I’ll soon beat my own record! Stop being so sarcastic, you’re not funny._

She breathes out deeply before letting her legs lead her to the bathroom. She turns on the tap and takes some water in her hands to rinse her face and her neck, trying to stop her body from losing the little water it has left. She puts all her weight on her arms, with her hands clinging to the sink, before finally daring to look at her reflection in the mirror she flees every day.

_Dark rings under your eyes falling to your feet; dry and cracked lips; hollow cheeks; messy eyebrows; empty dull eyes; greasy and messy hair that you maybe haven’t washed for an entire week; wow- you look so great Bianchi Acosta. I’m sure a dead body or even a skeleton looks better than me._

_Last days were great, but my nights... I’m overthinking literally everything. I’m pitiful. Four days that I can’t get my sleep back. Fucking insomnias._

_I look so weak… no- I’m weak. I’m.so.fucking.weak. I can’t believe a girl like Cris is dating someone like me. She deserves so much better than a wreck like me. She should be hanging out with an energetic, smiley and strong person, who would pull her so much further than I do. I’m just dragging her down…_

_I love her so much… but I’m so useless…_

_I don’t want her to leave me…_

_Please…_

Her tears meld with the water still getting out of the tap, as she rests her forehead against the mirror, breathing heavily and feeling _the world completely collapsing around me._

\--

_Lights everywhere. Dizzy. Shapes all around me. I can barely breathe. Laughs. I’m suffocating… Flash. Naked. Water. Black and white. Thousands of eyes. Please stop… Louder and louder and louder… Help me… Falling. Deeper and deeper, until…_

Wednesday, 8h56

Joana opens her eyes in a jolt when she hears clinks coming from their living room. She painfully gets up and starts walking towards their bedroom door, while a hammer knocks her brain and her ears buzz loudly.

“You didn’t wake me up?” she asks with a husky voice, trying to look at her humming girlfriend with the brightness of the room burning her eyes.

“Well, good morning- and… I tried, but I only got a groan in response so I let you sleep a little more.” explains Cris with a bright soothing smile, which she quickly loses as her eyes land on her girlfriend. “You seem tired, you didn’t sleep well…?”

 _If you knew…_ Now that her eyes accommodated to the ambient light, the raven-haired girl notices the colorful table in front of her, where the blonde is settling their plates. _There’s a tray with so many fruits and jars, filled with jam, chocolate, yogurt and caramel; some wonderful sunflowers rest in a pot in the middle of the table; and… pancakes… She made me pancakes…?_

“What’s all of this…?” blurts Joana, dumbstruck.

“Well- Happy birthday…?” laughs Cris, a little confused and stopping what she’s doing to approach her girlfriend.

“Oh… It’s today…? You… you…”

A huge heat fills her chest and makes her neck burn, as a sudden nausea ties her throat; she can’t control the tears streaming down her cheeks.

“Joana, what’s wrong?” immediately asks Cris, as her girlfriend hides her face in her hands, sobbing loudly with her shoulders going up and down with quick jolts. “Come here…” she murmurs, carefully wrapping her arms around the raven-haired girl, who’s now clinging to her top. “Come on, let’s go back to bed, okay…?” continues the blonde, slowly leading Joana to their bedroom, as she keeps holding her and soothingly stroking her hair.

Cris makes her sit, before removing all the messy strands of hair from her wet cheeks. “I’m so tired… I’m so- I’m so tired…” are the only words the raven-haired girl can let out before collapsing in her arms.

“It’s okay- it’s okay… Let’s just lay down…” whispers the blonde, trying to keep calm as she gently helps her girlfriend to settle herself in her arms against her chest. “It’s alright- I’m here. I’m not leaving you…” murmurs Cris, stroking and kissing her hair, as she feels Joana holding her tighter.

\--

_Lights. Laughs. Suffocating. Naked. Eyes. Loud. Help me… Falling. Until…_

_Cris. Cris’ arms holding me… and everything stops._

Wednesday, 14h58

Joana wakes up, _again- it’s getting redundant today- but this time is different, there’s this… lightness in my chest…_ She slowly raises her head from the pillow she was holding tightly, as she hears her girlfriend’s low voice coming from the open door.

“I don’t know Amy… Don’t worry, just go do something without us. No… I think it’s better to leave her alone for now, but thank you… Yes. Yes- don’t worry. I know… Thank you so much… Bye.”

“Who was it…?” asks Joana with a small voice, weakly standing at their bedroom door.

Cris quickly turns around, a little surprised. “Amira.” she says softly.

“We were supposed to do something with her, huh…?”

“Yes… um- we wanted to go watch your favorite movie in _el cine Doré_ with the girls; they were showing it this afternoon...” she explains with a crooked smile.

_Fuck… They really prepared everything for me, and that’s how I thank them… On top of that, Nora just came back and Cris hasn’t seen her yet. I suppose they specially chose this week to meet each other so we could spend some time together around my birthday. I’m so stupid..._

“I’m sorry…”

“No. Stop that. Don’t you dare apologize for this kind of thing, okay? It’s not your fault and it’ll never be.” immediately interrupts the blonde, as she sees her girlfriend lowering her gaze and clenching her jaw.

“But Cris, I ruined your day.”

“You didn’t ruin anything. Look at me.” she says with a softer voice, waiting for Joana to raise her gaze. “You didn’t ruin anything.” she repeats, tenderly stroking the raven-haired girl’s cheek. “Anyway, are you hungry?” she enthusiastically continues, clapping her hands.

“Not really…”

“You’re not hungry because you haven’t tried my special “20th birthday” pancakes yet!” affirms the blonde, poking her girlfriend’s nose.

“Cris…”

“Come!”

She makes the raven-haired girl sit at the table where the colorful tray and flowers from this morning are still waiting for them. Then, she gently ties her girlfriend’s hair in a messy bun. _Her hands in my hair… it’s so soothing…_ A faint smile appears on Joana’s lips when the blonde leaves a warm peck on her cheek, before cheerfully heading towards the kitchen.

She comes back with a plate full of steaming pancakes and a proud grin. _It’s true that they seem pretty appealing... and that smell… Dios…_ Cris moves her chair to sit right next to Joana. She takes a strawberry and dips it into chocolate, before approaching it from her girlfriend’s mouth, who’s backing away with an apprehensive gaze. _I hate it when I want to eat something but at the same really don’t want to let anything enter my stomach._

“Don’t pull a face like that, go on! I’m not trying to poison you, _idiota_.” jokes the blonde _with the kind of giggles I’ll never get bored of…_

Joana slowly leans forward to bite the strawberry under her girlfriend’s thoughtful gaze. _Dios… I can’t believe that such a little thing can make me feel so much better in the blink of an eye…_

“See? You’re hungry!” enthusiastically says Cris, as the raven-haired girl finishes the fruit. She dips another strawberry into chocolate, but this time she childishly pokes Joana’s nose with it when the latter opens her mouth.

“Are you serious?” asks the raven-haired girl with a small smile forming on her lips. Her girlfriend only answers with mischievous eyes and a playful grin. “I see…” continues Joana, rubbing the chocolate from her nose, before putting it on the blonde’s cheek.

“Game on, _querida_.” lets out Cris, as they both stand up and grab some food to defend themselves.

After some messy dodges, joyous squeals and a lost toe against the table leg, the blonde finally reaches her girlfriend with a spoon full of jam, which makes her stop dead in her tracks with a gasp. Cris covers her mouth to muffle her laughs, as Joana deeply sighs at the sight of a huge red stain on her _favorite_ white t-shirt.

“You better run…” she mutters with a mischievous stare.

Her girlfriend immediately starts to run in the entire apartment with light giggles, screaming as she hears Joana getting closer and closer, until she feels a slimy and cold fluid on her hair, trickling down her neck. Cris loudly gasps and quickly turns towards the raven-haired girl with her hands up and her jaw dropping.

“Seriously? Yogurt? I just washed my hair…” she sighs, pouting.

“I warned you.” laughs Joana with a shrug and her hands on her thighs, clearly out of breath.

Cris’ pout gives way to a faint smile at the sight of her beaming girlfriend. They silently look at each other, getting their breaths back and enjoying this little moment of _complete peace_. Joana takes a few steps forward to meet her girlfriend and wrap her arms around her shoulders.

“Thank you…” she murmurs in her neck.

“For what?” asks Cris, tenderly rubbing her back.

“Being yourself.”

“Always.”

The raven-haired girl smiles softly before cupping her girlfriend’s cheeks and leaving a chaste and thankful kiss on her lips.

“ _Oye_ … since I ruined your hair… Can I wash them? Please…?” she childishly asks _with her usual chocolate puppy eyes_.

“Yes, you can, idiot...” replies Cris with slight giggles, receiving a content smile from Joana. “But just because it’s your fault huh? Not because it’s your birthday and that we love taking baths together and play with each other’s hair!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed :)  
> Yes, I think I have a real problem with nightmares, I can’t stop myself from putting them everywhere xD
> 
> I understood on tumblr that “el cine Doré” is the one where Joana watched Dangerous Liaisons at the very beginning of season 2, so yeah, just some small references because it’s fun. 
> 
> I don’t know why, but I consider that Joana’s favorite food is pancakes, because… why not?


	19. Tonight

Monday, 20h23

Cris is sitting next to the window, lighting an umpteenth cigarette and enjoying the cool breeze brushing her skin and the sunset filling their living room with a warm golden light.

_I never thought that spending a whole afternoon in the apartment, smoking cigarettes, drawing for hours, drinking some beers, sharing intimate kisses and letting some acoustic guitar feel my ears with the person I love would become one of the most important and soothing things in my entire life. If I could, I would slap the Cris from 2 years ago for not wanting to believe in all of this. I was so scared that being in love with someone would mean that I have to stop doing the other things I like. I was so wrong… Being in love with Joana just made the things I love even more beautiful._

She fondly looks at her girlfriend, who’s lying on the couch with her guitar on her chest and her necklace between her lips, trying some melodies and groaning when the notes aren’t going the way she wants.

_She hasn’t left her guitar for 3 days now. She told me she used to write a lot of songs when she was younger, but when her ex-girlfriend broke up with her, she kind of dropped everything. She couldn’t touch it for months, before finally gathering the strength to go through all of this. I understood that this break up was the final straw; that’s when her parents suspected that there was maybe something more than just a heartbreak._

_She’s really quiet about her past. In some ways, she’s still really mysterious… and I don’t think it’s a bad thing. I just love the fact that- we take our time and talk about things when we feel ready or when something brings back too many overwhelming thoughts; in the end, we just live in the moment. But yeah- one night, she let everything out. We talked about her ex for maybe… 4 hours. Their first kiss, which was the first time she kissed a girl; the stupid pet names they were using; all the plans they made and never fulfill; or even how their relationship became really toxic because they were both really insecure about everything, especially Joana; it was “very intense” as she said once._

_When she was talking about it, there was no anger, no resentment, no sadness; it was just- memories, kind and soft. I’m glad we found a balance and that she feels safe enough to share this kind of things with me; because heaven knows how hard it is for her…_

“Oh… I like that…” mumbles Joana with a small smile forming on her lips, as she sits up, repeating the melody she just found.

“Wow yeah… hold on, I’ll record you.” affirms Cris, putting out her cigarette and sitting on the coffee table in front of her girlfriend, as she hands her phone towards the guitar. _This melody is so calm... but also- a little sad. The notes are like… resonating in my chest; it even gives me goosebumps._

Joana silently stares with a faint smile at her impressed girlfriend, who can’t take her eyes of her playing hands. She takes a deep breath, before letting out the words as they’re coming.

_You’re never afraid,_

_You and your cigarettes._

_I never thought you would care_

_When in this class, I was just a silhouette._

_The first day, I only saw you_

_And got lost in this deep bright blue._

_The moon was bright, and I don’t wanna lie,_

_I was scared it might be our last night._

_Oh baby, we should marry tonight._

_We should marry tonight._

_Fear the silence or silence the fear;_

_There’s no in-between,_

_And no truth either in here._

_After all, I was just a teen,_

_But you stayed with me_

_And made it all clear._

_The moon is bright, and I don’t wanna lie,_

_I was scared it might be our last night._

_Oh baby, we should marry tonight._

_We should marry tonight._

_I’m always afraid,_

_Me and my head._

_I never thought you would care_

_When sometimes I’m completely blind_

_And I can’t shut my mind._

_I don’t want to fall in another mare._

_The moon is dark, and I don’t wanna lie,_

_I’m scared it might be our last night._

_Oh baby, we should marry tonight._

_Oh baby…_

_We should marry tonight…_

_We should marry…_

_Tonight…_

Joana’s voice breaks on the last words, as a single tear slowly trickles down Cris’ cheek. _It’s beautiful… She’s beautiful. How her voice singing simple words and a few notes on a guitar can make me feel so many things…? There’s this… pain in my chest, but it’s also so warm and soothing…?_

“When did you write this song…?” she whispers, wiping her wet cheek, before holding Joana’s hands.

“Never.” replies her girlfriend with a small voice, putting her guitar next to her, before letting Cris sit on her lap and hug her tight. She rests her hands on her back as she tenderly rubs her t-shirt, deeply breathing the mixed scents of cigarette, warm hair and her summer perfume.

The blonde pulls away after a minute, slowly rubbing her cheeks with her thumbs, as she looks at her right in the eyes.

“Don’t be afraid…” she murmurs, resting her forehead against Joana’s, as she fondles her neck. “It’s not our last night, it’s the first of a long line…”

“How many…?”

“Nights? An infinity.” she affirms with a grin.

“ _Dios_ … My girlfriend is so sappy, send help. What have you done to my Cristina Soto Peña?” jokes the raven-haired girl with a smirk, slightly pulling away so she can meet Cris’ gaze.

“And it’s the one who just asked me to marry her in an improvised song who’s talking?” blurts the blonde with raised eyebrows.

“Would you one day? Marry me?” teasingly asks Joana, making her girlfriend roll her eyes with a small smile she tries to hold.

“Whenever and wherever you want.” affirms Cris after a little silence with something challenging but at the same time really tender in her eyes, which silences the raven-haired girl for a few seconds, a little stunned, before regaining her composure.

“See? You’re starting again! You better give me back my girlf…”

“Shut up.” sighs the blonde with a grin, interrupting Joana with an impatient and passionate kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I knoooow this is so sappy and corny and whatever; but I think it’s just because I was in a really good mood when I wrote it x) I hope it’s not “too much” though. 
> 
> I really enjoyed getting a little more into Cris’ thoughts, and tell Joana’s ““backstory”” through her eyes. 
> 
> To be honest, I’m not a writer and least of all a songwriter so, of course, the ““song”” is really bad. I mean, I wrote it in almost a one shot, in maybe 15 minutes? I just let the words come, wrote it down, and I didn’t want to modify it later because I wanted to keep the “improvised” thing, you know? I hope you don’t mind. (Oh, and just to be clear, “mare” means nightmare here, it’s an abbreviation.)
> 
> Anyway, I hope you enjoyed!


	20. Doodles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yeeesss the girl squad is back my dudes, enjoy!

Friday, 14h56

“I can’t believe we still let them bring the drinks when we perfectly know they’re always late…” sighs Eva, waving a paper next to her neck to give her skin some fresh air.

“10 euros they’re late because of Cris.” jokes Nora, who’s lying with the rest of the girls on the grass, in the shades of the many trees surrounding them. 

“She improved you know.” admits Viri with a slight laugh, rising her head from her book.

“Yeah, instead of 10 minutes, it’s 20 now.” giggles Eva, as she sits up. “I’m sure it goes like: _No but Joana, braids or ponytail?_ ” she says, imitating the blonde and exaggeratedly flicking her hair.

“ _Don’t worry Cris, you’re suupeeer guaaaapa anyway_.” continues Nora, taking a deep voice.

All the girls burst out laughing in the middle of the parc, making some people look at them.

“You two are so nasty.” affirms Amira with a hand covering her eyes, as she shakes her head in disbelief.

“No but seriously, if they continue like that, soon they’ll tell us they’re getting married!” admits Eva, anything but serious.

“Well at least we’re safe about NOT becoming aunts to early, no baby mistake possible!” adds Nora, rising her hands.

“One problem, you forgot our two other lovebirds.” jokes Amira, nodding towards Viri.

“Just shut up! Plus, you two are just mocking them because you’re single _and_ jealous!” she replies with a nervous laugh, staring at the two other giggling girls.

“Who told you we were single?” asks Eva, falsely offended.

“Plus, did you forget about Noreva?”

“If we’re still single in 10 years...”

“We’re getting married.” they affirm in unison, stretching out their arms so they’re able to messily play with each other’s fingertips

“Can’t wait to see that!” laughs Amira.

“No but girls… more seriously… maybe they’re late because Joana doesn’t feel okay again…” admits Viri, making all the girls lose their smile.

“Did Cris say anything?” seriously asks Nora.

“Joana sent me a message 20 minutes ago, I don’t think we should worry.” reassures Amira with a small smile.

“ _Holaaaa_!” lets out a cheerful voice coming from the small gravel path near them, where Cris is goofily waving her hands towards the girls with a smiling Joana by her side.

“Well, speaking of the devils.” grins Nora, looking at the arriving couple.

Cris jumps on the latter to hug her tight with joyous squeals, while Joana greets everyone with a kiss on each cheek and soft “ _guapa_ ”s.

“You see, guys? Braids!” exclaims Eva, giggling.

“What…?” ask Cris and Joana, looking at each other, confused.

“You’re late girls.” admits Nora, exchanging a knowing gaze with her best friend, as she holds a laugh.

“Yeah sorry, it’s my fault…” murmurs the raven-haired girl with a crooked smile, rubbing her undercut and receiving a supportive smile from her girlfriend.

“Well Nora… 10 euros!” laughs Viri, while the other girl’s jaw drops.

“Wait, did you bet on why we were late?” asks the blonde with raised eyebrows, half-laughing, half-offended.

“Not at all.” replies Eva and Nora with raised hands.

“Well, that’s a shame. You won’t be able to taste the beers I brought you then.” affirms Cris, teasing Eva while Joana sits next to Amira with a slight laugh.

“Don’t worry, apple juice and fresh water for us.” softly says the raven-haired girl, receiving an understanding and thankful smile from her friend.

\--

Friday, 15h45

Joana is sitting against a tree, some meters away from the girls; she is in her own world with her headphones on her ears while she doodles some messy lines on her sketchbook. She notices a presence next to her and quickly withdraws her headphones, as she raises her eyes to meet her girlfriend’s smile.

“Something’s wrong?” she immediately asks, worried.

“Nope.” replies the blonde, as she pushes her sketchbook away and rests her head on her lap, facing her.

“Come on Cris…” sighs Joana, a little annoyed but at the same time relaxed by her touch.

“Yes?” she lazily asks with a bright grin, not moving an inch.

“Okay as you wish, I’m drawing on you.” affirms the raven-haired girl, resting her sketchbook on her girlfriend’s chest.

“Mhmmm… Stop it.” moans Cris, pushing the sketchbook and her girlfriend’s hands away, which makes Joana slightly laugh. “You’re silent…” she admits with a small and worried voice, rubbing her cheek.

The raven-haired girl goofily mouths something in response. “ _I don’t know what you’re talking about_.”

“You’re an idiot…” smiles the blonde, but there’s the same worry and now a bit of sadness in her eyes, which Joana immediately notices.

“I’m fine.” she whispers, leaving a tender kiss on her girlfriend’s lips to prove her words. “Can I finish my drawing now?” she asks, grabbing again her sketchbook.

Cris sits up and changes her position to rest her chin on her girlfriend’s shoulder, as she hugs her waist. “It’s Amira?”

“Yes. It reassures me you recognize her; I think I completely messed up her nose.”

“No, I think it’s perfect.”

“Cris, it’s a sketch; it can’t be perfect.” sighs Joana, turning her head towards her girlfriend.

“Stop saying this kind of things. Why are you always so negative about your drawings?” she replies, staring back at her.

“I’m not negative, you just can’t say that my sketch is perfect, because it’s clearly not. Plus, nothing’s perfect; it can be great, but not perfect.”

“Well, let’s say it’s perfectly imperfect then.” affirms the blonde, making her girlfriend slightly laugh as she shakes her head in disbelief. “It’s just that- I think you represent the instant. I mean, the lighting, the movement of her hijab with the wind, her posture… It’s almost like you’re taking Amira’s essence and put it on the paper… The lines might not be perfect, but the way you represent _her_ is perfect.”

Joana silently stares at her, something unreadable in her gaze, kind of dumbstruck.

“What…?”

“Nothing.” she says fondly.

“Tell me.” giggles Cris, confused.

“I just like the way you’re talking. It’s… brilliant.”

“Well- I spent more than two years in a relationship with an artsy girlfriend who talks literally every day about what she loves the most on earth so… I kind of learnt some vocabulary, turns of phrase and you know- stuff.” admits the blonde with a grin, tenderly stroking Joana’s hair behind her ear.

“You have an artsy girlfriend? I would love to meet her. Is she cool?” asks the raven-haired girl, awaiting Cris’ answer with a playful smile.

“Kind of.” she replies with a shrug and a funny pout.

“Kind of?” blurts her girlfriend in a laugh.

“Yeah… kind of.” repeats Cris, as she cups Joana’s cheeks, leaving a smiling and tender kiss on her lips.

“ _Oye_ girls! Can you stop eating each other’s mouth and spend some time with us? It’s not like you’re already seeing each other every day after all.” calls Eva with a grin, interrupting the two women.

The couple exchanges a knowing gaze, as they pull away. “You’re coming?” enthusiastically asks the blonde, standing up before offering her hand to her girlfriend. Joana nods in response as she grabs her stuff and takes her hand.

“Seriously Joana, I know I ask you every time but- how do you survive to this heat wearing long sleeves and black pants?” sighs Eva, still vigorously waving the same paper next to her face.

“Well… I just stay away from the sun.” replies the raven-haired girl with a slight laugh, pointing to the beaming star.

“Oh yeah, that’s why Cris is more tanned than you even if she’s white as a sheet; I understand now.” jokes Nora, making everyone laugh, as the blonde throws her some grass in discontentment.

\--

Friday, 16h44

“No look Viri, you don’t need to press that much the lead against the paper.” softly says Joana, taking her hand to show her the right gesture, while Nora is silently watching them, also carefully listening to her. “See? The branches are livelier and way more natural when you let the pencil wander on the paper and when you follow your instinct!”

“Yeah but Joana, _my_ instinct isn’t like _yours_.” affirms Viri, pointing at the multiple sketches they drew in the last 30 minutes.

“Come on, don’t say that… you really improved!”

“Well, I agree… compared to 2 years ago…” teases Nora with a slight laugh.

“See?” enthusiastically continues the raven-haired girl, smiling brightly at Viri.

That’s when Joana receives liters- _and “liters” isn’t enough_ \- of water on her hair, neck and body, as she sees the two other girls next to her also getting soaked, hearing loud laughs coming from behind them.

“Here Joana, to cool you off!” exclaims Eva, an empty bottle of water in her hand, while Amira and Cris cover their mouth to hold their laughs, watching the clearly unhappy three other girls standing up.

The raven-haired girl sighs deeply and shows the blonde her completely wet sketchbook with a stern and upset gaze, which makes Cris open her eyes wide and immediately stop laughing.

“Fuck… _Amor_ , I’m sorry…”

“Yeah.” mutters Joana, looking around her as she drops her sketchbook on the floor, while Viri and Nora start arguing with the two other girls with loud and joyous giggles.

“Joana…?” calls Cris with concern when she sees her girlfriend walking away. “Oh…” she whispers when the raven-haired girl comes back with a garden hose in her hands and a mischievous grin.

She doesn’t have the time to warn the other when a cold jet of water meets their skin, making them gasp and curse in surprise.

“Here Eva, to cool you off!” teases Joana with a proud grin, as she starts running after the three other giggling girls while Nora and Viri are cheering her on.

“ _Oye_! Who the hell you think you are? Drop this hose! Now!” yells a deep man’s voice, stopping all the girls dead in their tracks. “You better go before I get you in trouble!” he continues, as they all exchange some glances before bursting out laughing in front of him. They quickly apologize and gather their stuff before leaving the place, running, with the six of them laughing like idiots.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m so happy that I finally found some inspiration to write the girl squad again!   
> I hope I’m not too far away from their characters; tbh I’m really bad at understanding and representing how they would all react in front of different situations, but I did my best!   
> Anyway, I hope you enjoyed!   
> \--  
> Alright, the “small chapters” period is over; the next one will be way longer and it will take me a lot of time to write it, so you’ll have to be patient!


	21. Roots

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ooooooh yes, the famous trip.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There will be 2 chapters for this trip. This one is the part in Joana’s family and the next one… you’ll see 😊
> 
> Just a quick TRIGGER WARNING (SPOILER): be careful if you’re sensible with grief.

Tuesday, 7h36

“Ladies and Gentlemen, we will take off in a few minutes, please excuse us for the delay.”

Cris raises her gaze from her phone as she feels her girlfriend swinging her legs faster and faster next to her.

“ _Sapito_ … you’re sure everything’s alright?”

“Yes.”

The blonde hums in answer, as she sees Joana bringing her nails to her mouth.

“If you want- we can exchange our seats…”

“No, I’m fine- really.”

“Okay… so… if I tell you that you’re going to spend 13 hours between me and our new sweating friend Bobby; not being able to move if I fall asleep… You still don’t want to take my seat?” asks Cris with a teasing tone and raised eyebrows.

“Yes.” affirms the raven-haired girl, before shifting her gaze several times between her girlfriend and the fifty-years-old and already snoring man next to her. “No…”

“That’s what I thought.” smiles the blonde, standing up. “ _Oye_ … chill, I’m the one who’s supposed to freak out right know.” she continues with a slight laugh, taking her new seat as she rubs Joana’s arm.

“Well- believe me, you would be freaking out if you had already taken a flight that lasts more than 4 hours.” replies her girlfriend, tilting her head to nervously look at the cockpit.

“You know that you just admitted you’re scared of plane, right?” teases Cris, trying to hold a laugh. Joana looks at her in disbelief, as she opens her mouth to retort something, but then she deeply sighs, having no counter-argument. The blonde chuckles before hugging her girlfriend’s arm. “Come on, don’t worry. I’m sure we’re going to sleep the entire flight…”

\--

Tuesday, 17h49

_I was so fucking wrong. 13 hours and I perhaps closed my eyes for- what? An hour? Joder… At least the bus is comfier than the plane… and this view…_

The sun is just starting to set as they’re overlooking a tiny village, surrounded by endless green, yellow _and even orange_ fields and small hills. _Even in winter, everything seems so lively…_

 _This village isn’t that different from those in Spain; it even reminds me of Zaorejas…_ The bus abruptly stops on a square next to a small church, which startles Joana and immediately wakes her up. She painfully rubs her eyes before realizing where they are and hurrying to get off the bus with Cris.

A little woman, _maybe around 40 years old, no- a little younger_ , with short light brown wavy hair is standing next to a car near the bus stop. _Where did I already saw this pair of eyes…? Of course, Joana._

“Hey…” hesitantly says the raven-haired girl with a small voice.

“ _Hola_.” softly replies the woman.

They remain silent for a few seconds with smiles growing bigger and bigger before hugging each other.

“How was the ride?” she continues, her voice muffled in Joana’s jacket.

“Horrible?” jokes the latter, as they exchange a slight laugh. The woman then looks with a crooked smile at Cris, who’s patiently waiting for her girlfriend to introduce her.

“Oh, um… This is Cris.”

“ _Hola_!” blurts the blonde with a bright smile.

“And Cris, this is Alma, my father’s little sister and obviously- my aunt.”

“Nice to meet you.” she says, friendly nodding towards her. _She’s smiling; it’s not that bad for a first encounter… right…?_

\--

“Mia is really excited to see you.” admits Alma after a long silence in the car, mainly present because of the two other women’s tiredness.

“Is Diego also there?” asks Joana with a husky voice.

“No… he is at his father’s.”

“Oh, I see… How old is he already?”

“Soon thirteen!”

“Damn…”

“I know, you’re all growing so fast.”

“Yeah…”

“Well, here we go girls!”

They arrive next to a small farm, not far away from the village. _An… estancia? I think that’s what Joana told me…_ A _huge_ dog is turning around the car and loudly barking, as Alma is parking the car. Joana quickly opens her door with a bright grin to meet it.

“ _Hola_ baby boy! I know, I missed you too.” she says, baby-talking to the dog which is happily jumping on her. Cris carefully approaches her girlfriend, as she sees its size. “Come, don’t be afraid- he’s a sweetheart.” she affirms, making the dog sits as she pets it. The blonde crouches next to them, clearly not at ease. “Give me your hand. Just let him sniff it.” softly continues Joana, as the dog rubs his head against her girlfriend’s hand. “See? Good boy.”

“What’s his name?”

“Pancho!” she enthusiastically says, which makes Cris chuckle. “Don’t laugh! I’m the one who chose his name!”

“Sorry, sorry.” replies the blonde, laughing even more.

“Don’t listen to her. She called her cat Viernes, she can’t understand us…” jokes Joana, covering Pancho’s ears as she hugs him.

“Do you two need a room or…?” asks Cris, falsely-offended, making her girlfriend slightly laugh.

“Ah… yeah, I forgot you’re grumpy when you’re tired.” she teases, poking her cheek before standing up and walking towards the entrance with the dog following her.

_This house is huge… It’s old and rustic but it feels so… warm to be here. Most of the furniture are made with wood; the walls are covered by so many tapestries and different paintings of landscapes; and all the shelves are filled with random… objects? that have nothing to do with each other. All those decorations are coming from so many different cultures and countries, but weirdly, they all fit together and give this house something unique. And this smell… old wood, dried flower and candle wax. It’s so welcoming…_

“ _Shosho_!” exclaims a little girl, immediately jumping on Joana when they enter the living room. _Shosho…? Oh, I get it- Jojo! I remember when Eva tried to call her that way… well- it was a funny day._

“How are you _nena_?” asks the raven-haired girl with a bright grin, taking the girl in her arms. “ _Dios_ … you grew so much…”

“I’ll soon be taller than you!”

“Sure, you will!” she confirms, as they giggle together. _I never saw Joana like that before… Being that confident and at ease with a child. And those sparks in her eyes…_

“ _Mijaaa_!” exclaims an old lady coming from another room, before leaving long and loud kisses on Joana’s cheeks. _I guess it’s…_ _Marta…? If I remember correctly._ _Oh my god, I don’t understand shit. They’re talking so fast._

“Oooh, you don’t have your colored hair anymore? You’re so beautiful with those black hair- you look like your mother!” she continues, carefully stroking her granddaughter’s hair and cheeks, before turning towards Cris.

“Um, this is Cris- Dad must’ve told you I was coming with a friend.” explains the raven-haired girl, while Marta silently approaches a confused but trying to remain polite Cris.

“Those are wonderful blue eyes, young girl.” she affirms, holding the blonde’s chin to take a closer look at her iris, which makes her blush in no time. “They’re so… expressive! I need to paint them.”

“If you want…” replies Cris, a little taken aback, as she exchanges a glance with her smiling girlfriend.

“Oh, I do! But later! For now, I need to feed all those stomachs!” lets out Marta with a bright smile as she heads towards the kitchen. “Oh _hija_ , by the way, I only prepared one room for you two but if you want to sleep separately, we can…”

“No- no, don’t worry Grandma, it’s not a problem, we can sleep in the same bed.” interrupts Joana with a smirk, while Cris tries her best to hide her burning cheeks.

\--

After climbing _those endless stairs_ with their suitcase, the couple finally reaches their bedroom.

“It’s my father’s former room.” explains Joana as she opens the door, out of breath.

“When he was a teenager?”

“Yes, 6 months before my birth he moved on with my mom in a small apartment in the village.”

“I see…”

“It feels strange.” she whispers, staying at the door while Cris sits on the bed, exhausted.

“Why…?”

“Usually, when I come here- I don’t sleep in this room…”

“What? You’re scared that your little baby face was made in this bed?” asks the blonde, playfully wriggling her eyebrows.

“Cris…!” exclaims Joana, staring at her laughing girlfriend with her eyes wide open. “ _Dios_ … I have images now! You’re so annoying...” she sighs, lying next to her as she covers her eyes with her hands.

“It’s _Papa_!” yells Mia, downstairs, as they hear neighs coming from outside.

“It must be Martín with the herd.”

“Wait, you have horses??” interrupts Cris, amazed.

“Yep. There’s also cows and sheep.” explains Joana, fondly smiling at her girlfriend’s reaction.

“But you know how to mount them?”

“Nope.” she shrugs with a laugh. “But you wanna try? I can ask my aunt.”

“No way.”

\--

Tuesday, 19h47

“And theeere, my granddaughter’s favorite dessert!” enthusiastically says Marta, placing an _enormous_ cake on the table.

“Thanks Grandma.” replies Joana with an excited grin, rubbing her hands against each other and biting her lower lip.

“Is everything alright darling?” asks the old lady, looking at an uneasy Cris.

“Um… yes- yes, don’t worry. It’s just that I’m not used to eat _that_ much.” she admits with a crooked smile. 

“ _Buah_ , those Spaniards really don’t know how to feed their girls! You’re are so thin and you’re not even hungry for my chocotorta!”

“ _Mama_ … I think she’s just tired because of the trip.” sighs Alma, slightly laughing with Joana.

“Me, I’m hungry!” exclaims Mia, handing her plate to the old lady.

“Don’t worry Grandma, I’ll eat her piece.” affirms Joana with a childish smile, following her little cousin’s movements.

“Aaah… but with you it’s not the same _cari_ _ñ_ _o_ … When you were little, whatever I was putting in your plate, you were eating it!” jokes Marta, making all the table laugh, as Joana slightly blushes, feeling her girlfriend’s teasing eyes on her.

\--

Tuesday, 21h14

“Mia? Where are you?” yells Alma in the house.

“She’s with us!” replies Cris, while her girlfriend is suffocating under the little girl’s weight.

They’re on the bed, with Joana lying on it and Mia doing everything she can to trickle her, or fight with her, or even hug her. Not that the older girl is complaining- _on the contrary_. _They’re so chaotic together._

When she sees her mother, the little girl buries her face even more in Joana’s neck, hugging her tighter, _as if it was possible._

“Come on Mia… we need to let Joana and her friend take some rest; they must be really tired…”

“I want to sleep with _Shosho_ … I missed you…” whines the child, clinging to the older girl’s neck.

“I know… I missed you too, but you have to go back home with _Mama_ and _Papa_ … and in any case we’re going to see each other tomorrow.” affirms the raven-haired girl, slowly leaving her embrace as she pokes her nose.

“Promise?”

“Promise.”

“With Cris?” mumbles Mia, shyly looking at the blonde.

“If you want, yes.” softly replies the latter with a small smile.

“You want Cris to play with us tomorrow?” asks Joana, before receiving a small nod from Mia. “Then we’ll play with her; but before that, you need to go back home, okay?” she continues, poking her nose again.

“Okay…”

“Come on baby.” says softly Alma, taking her daughter in her arms.

“ _Mama_ , wait!”

“What?”

Mia moves in her arms to lean towards Joana, before leaving a small kiss on her cheek.

“Is it okay now?” sighs Alma with a grin, exchanging a knowing gaze with the couple.

“Yes!”

“Good night girls.”

“Good night.” they reply in unison.

Cris sighs deeply as she lets herself sink into the mattress the second Alma closes the door. “I’m so exhausted...”

“I’m sorry, usually she’s not that clingy.” laughs Joana, lying next to her girlfriend and tenderly stroking her hair.

“She’s really cute but… I don’t know if she likes me.”

“Well, you’re a complete stranger for her, that’s normal. Don’t worry, I’m sure tomorrow you’ll be the one she can’t let go.”

“You really like her, huh?” asks the blonde, fondly smiling at Joana.

“Are you jealous?” she replies, teasingly wriggling her eyebrows.

“Of course not idiot!” giggles Cris, slightly pushing her girlfriend. “It’s just that you told me you had no experience with kids, but as I can see you’re really at ease with her.”

“Well… that’s true, I’m never really alone with her. There’s always someone else in the room with me… so- I don’t have the experience of fully taking care of a child, you see?” explains the raven-haired girl with shifty eyes.

“Eh… you’re amazing with her.” murmurs her girlfriend, getting a little closer, as she brushes her cheek with her fingertips.

“Don’t sa…”

“No. No, Joana Bianchi Acosta, you’re not going to argue with me on this.” she interrupts, determined to say what she thinks. “You don’t see how protective, thoughtful and… caring you are. You have so- SO much love to give… Don’t worry, you’re doing great with her.”

Joana remains silent with her eyes not daring to meet Cris’, as a smile grows bigger and bigger on her lips.

“See? You have nothing to retort.” teasingly continues the blonde.

The raven-haired girl slowly leans forward to approach her girlfriend’s ear, while her hand tenderly strokes her thigh. “It’s because I don’t want to say anything right now…” she whispers, before leaving many long and perfectly placed kisses on Cris’ neck.

\--

Wednesday, 9h28

_The clinks of the cutlery, some yawns at each sentence, and Mia’s joyous squeals in the distance clearly contrast with our dead silence._

Cris rubs her eyes with a little moan as she tries to listen to the conversation between Joana and Alma.

“You could show Cris the village, or… you remember the little pond where we all used to go together? It’s going to be a sunny day; we could picnic there… or not- as you wish; we don’t have to.”

_She’s careful… It’s like they’re always measuring their words with Joana. The problem is that she feels it, and heaven knows how she hates being treated like a child, or at least “more than she should be”._

“I don’t know. We’ll think about it.” replies the raven-haired girl, a little tense, before sipping her _mate_ , while _her right leg is swinging a bit faster under the table_.

“ _Shosho_! _Papa_ has a surprise for you!” exclaims Mia as she enters the room, followed by her father and already pulling Joana by her arm to make her stand up.

“A surprise?” she asks with a frown, a little upset by so much noise and excitement so early in the morning.

“If I tell you: _restoration_?” says Martín with a bright grin.

Joana frowns for some more second before opening her eyes wide.

“Shut up. You didn’t?”

“Wanna try it?” he asks with mischievous eyes.

“Of course!” immediately replies the raven-haired girl, standing up from her chair.

“What are you talking about…?” wonders Cris, trying to follow her enthusiastic girlfriend outside.

“You know my father has a motorcycle in Spain- the one you saw me driving sometimes- well, he bought this one in Spain, but his first motorcycle stayed here when we left. It kind of got rusty because no one was using it, but… it seems that Martín changed that!” she explains with a bright and excited grin. _She looks like a little child with those sparks in her eyes…_

They arrive near the garage, where _the famous motorbike, I guess?_ is waiting them.

“ _Dios_ … It’s so beautiful…” whispers Joana with the same smile as she stops walking, meeting Martín joyous eyes.

“Go on, don’t be afraid!” he lets out, nodding towards it.

Joana turns around the motorcycle several times, attentively looking at every detail before sitting on it as she bites her lower lip. _I love seeing her like that, so… passionate._

“Is there gas?” asks the raven-haired girl, carefully resting her hands on the handlebars.

“Yep.”

“May I?” she continues, looking at Martín with her fingers near the key.

“Of course! It’s your father’s after all.”

She immediately turns the key, letting the engine roar.

“ _Dioooos_ , this sound!” lets out Joana, smiling from ear to ear and childishly tapping her feet against the ground.

“I can’t believe you’re also a REAL biker fond of mechanics…” jokes Cris with a bright grin, tenderly looking at her.

“I’m full of surprise.” affirms her girlfriend, teasingly winking at the blonde.

\--

Wednesday, 18h01

The sun is filling the atmosphere _with its best orange-light_ , while Joana is smoking a cigarette outside, watching Cris and Marta laughing together as she starts sketching the first features of her painting. _Her hair and her smile are so… bright with this wonderful light… I’m glad she immediately got along with everybody; it’s something less to worry about._

Alma walks towards her with a crooked smile, before sitting on the chair next to her.

“She’s not just a _friend_ , right?” she finally asks, staring at the blonde.

Joana looks at her, a little surprise, not knowing what to answer.

“Come on _Shosho_ , I’m not blind.” she laughs, meeting her niece’s dazed gaze. “You look like my stupid brother when he was looking at your mother. It’s in the family, everything’s in our eyes.” she affirms, fondly looking at the raven-haired girl, who remains silent, smiling _like an idiot_ and not daring to meet her gaze.

“Um… is it a problem if I bring her to… you know?” hesitantly asks Joana, rubbing her necklace with her thumb.

“I’m sure he wouldn’t mind.” replies Alma, immediately losing her smile.

“Yeah… but I meant with you or even Grandma.”

“Don’t worry.”

“Okay…”

After a slight sigh, Alma turns towards Joana, resting a hand on her forearm with a caring but also sad smile. “We could- you know… go together leave a candle into the church- just the two of us. I’m always doing it with your fa…”

“You perfectly know I don’t believe in those stupid things…” interrupts the raven-haired girl with a small voice, slightly shaking her head.

“No, but he did.” affirms Alma, looking at her right in the eyes.

“ _Shosho_! Come watch me!” exclaims Mia from the distance.

“I’ll think about it.” mumbles Joana, fleeing her aunt’s gaze before standing up from her chair to join her beaming little cousin.

\--

Thursday, 4h37

Joana rests her hands on her face as she deeply sighs, still lying in bed with Cris hugging her waist and her little snore filling the room.

_Why can’t I have some rest? Why am I always so scared of everything? Maybe I should go there alone. In any case I’m not going to fall asleep right now, and- I need a walk to clear my thoughts._

She carefully removes her girlfriend’s arm from her body, _centimeter by centimeter_ , to free herself without waking her. She kisses her forehead, before slowly leaving the room in silence.

\--

Thursday, 7h34

The raven-haired girl is sitting on a chair next to the bed, fondly watching Cris sleep. _Thankfully she’s my girlfriend so it’s not that creepy. My feet are freezing… I don’t really know how long I stayed outside, but I think the sun will come up soon. The sky was cloudless, it’s the perfect morning to show her the sunrise._

Joana crouches next to her girlfriend’s face. _Dios… she’s so cute._ She tenderly strokes her messy hair to put them behind her ear, but Cris doesn’t move an inch. _I can’t believe I forgot she’s a heavy sleeper._ She faintly smiles, before gently tapping her fingertips against her girlfriend’s cheek, which the blonde immediately withdraws with a slight moan and a frown. Joana continues this gesture some seconds before Cris finally opens her eyes.

“For fuck sake…” she lets out, swiftly backing away, surprised by her girlfriend’s face an inch from hers. “Joana, do you know the word jetlag? It’s a simple word that explains why I need some sleep because of a 5 hours’ time difference and a 13 hours’ flight!” she groans, burying her head in the pillow.

“I can’t believe you’re complaining when I want to show you the most beautiful thing you’ll ever see in your entire life.” affirms the raven-haired girl, still tenderly stroking Cris’ hair.

“Well, I already wake up next to her every day.” admits the blonde with playful eyes.

“Shut up.” sighs Joana, rolling her eyes as she removes the duvet from her girlfriend’s body, which makes her groan even more. “Just _one_ morning- and tomorrow we’ll sleep, I promise.” she continues, taking Cris’ hands to make her sit up.

“We’ll sleep? Really?” she asks, teasingly wriggling her eyebrows as she tries to pull Joana back in bed, but miserably fails.

“God… I forgot you’re so horny in the morning…” replies the raven-haired girl with a sigh, as Cris starts kissing her belly.

Impatient, Joana decides to lift her girlfriend up in her arms, which makes her gasp in surprise.

“Okay- okay, I’m coming! Just let me at least get dressed...” mumbles Cris, as the raven-haired girl puts her down.

“We don’t have the time for that.” affirms Joana, grabbing her denim jacket and already pulling Cris by the hand outside the bedroom.

“Then at least tell me where we’re going!”

“Shhh”

“ _Oye_ , don’t hush me!”

Joana sighs deeply and gives her girlfriend an impatient but passionate kiss to silence her before they arrive downstairs, where Marta is already humming some music.

“Where are you going _mija_? You haven’t eaten yet…!” she asks when she sees her _barely dressed_ granddaughter heading towards the entrance with a sulking Cris following her.

“Don’t worry Grandma, we’ll be back soon!” yells Joana, already closing the door behind her girlfriend.

\--

They’re climbing a hill, with Cris blindly following her girlfriend who’s still holding her hand, as a small breeze starts to rise. _Wow… it’s freezing. She wasn’t joking when she said that winter in Argentina is… well- winter._

_I haven’t noticed it before because I was a little sleepy but… with those dark rings under her eyes and her more than usual pale skin- it seems that she hasn’t slept this night. Why didn’t she wake me up…? I know I’m a little grumpy when she does that, but she knows she can count on me..._

They arrive on top of the hill, where they’re overlooking the entire _pampa_ around them. _It’s like the nature around us is endless- it’s wonderful…_

“And… what’s this place…?” asks Cris, a little confused as she meets her girlfriend’s attentive gaze, kind of waiting for her to say something.

“ _Nada, mi sitio._ ” she replies with a shrug. The blonde grins softly, before cupping her cheeks to leave a tender kiss on her smirking lips. “I used to come here almost every day.” continues Joana with a cheerful smile, as she rests her jacket on her girlfriend’s shoulders. “It was my safe place and… I loved coming here because we have-- this.” she explains, hugging her girlfriend’s waist from behind as she places her in the right direction to perfectly see the first beam of the red sun overpassing the horizon.

Cris remains silent, kind of speechless in front of this view.

_A huge ball of fire is rising in front of us. The entire fields below, wild but also so geometric, are like- burning. Everything shines. In a small amount of time, all this light immediately contrasts with the deep, intense and pure blue that was filling the sky. It’s now replaced by a heartwarming yellow and dark orange beams. Each second, the colors and the lights are changing, collapsing against each other in a sumptuous dance. There’s now shades of purple and pink joining the scene. How just a sky can be so lively?_

_Everything gets so mixed up, but at the same time it seems so harmonious… The shadows are getting smaller and smaller, as the sun rises higher and higher, taking back its usual form and yellow light, while the sky slowly becomes again monochrome… and now… this moment is already gone._

“So… was I right to wake you up this morning?” whispers Joana in her girlfriend’s ear, before leaving some kisses on her cheek, as she holds her tighter.

“I- I’m speechless to be honest…” replies Cris, exchanging an excited and completely dazed gaze with the raven-haired girl, which makes her slightly laugh.

“You see this field?” she enthusiastically asks, pointing at a huge stretch of grass not far away from the farm. “We used to run there- a lot, with my father and-” Joana takes a little pause, before continuing with a _forced_ smile. “It was fun.”

_Something darkened in your gaze. What’s wrong…?_

“Anyway, we should go back home or we’re going to freeze here!” lets out the raven-haired girl, kissing her girlfriend’s concern away, before pulling her again by the hand to go down the hill.

\--

Thursday, 15h46

The couple spent the day outside, walking on one of Joana’s multiple favorite paths, before wandering in the village, saying hello to some people the raven-haired girl knows and just enjoying the mild atmosphere of the streets. They’re now sitting in a bar to taste _an Argentinian beer that Joana couldn’t stop telling me about_ \- _Quilmes if I remember correctly?_

“So… What do you think of my village? Better than Zaojeras?” asks the raven-haired girl with a smirk.

“No village is better than Zaojeras.”

“Obviously.”

“But… I love being here. It feels so different from Spain but at the same time it feels like home?” says Cris with a bright grin. _I love when you’re so cheerful like that._ “But… um… I was expecting to… maybe meet way more people from your family- because you told me it was really big.” she hesitantly admits, playing with her girlfriend’s fingers, _as if she’s trying to find the right words_.

Joana takes a deep breath before answering. “Usually, we all meet up here, with the entire family, but… we didn’t come with my parents so… I think they just didn’t want to make the effort just for me. In any case, it’s just some distant cousins and my mother’s family, it’s alright… I didn’t want to see them anyway.” she explains with a crooked smile, before taking a big swallow of her beer.

“Okay… I see… You know- my family doesn’t always make the effort either.” jokes Cris with raised eyebrows, making the raven-haired girl faintly smile. _You always try to reassure me and make me understand that I’m not alone…_

“My mother’s family doesn’t really like me.” declares Joana, lowering her gaze. Cris carefully takes her hands as she sees her girlfriend having a hard time to let the words out. “My grandfather left my _real_ grandmother in Italy with my mother’s little sister- my aunt, because… because she is mentally handicapped. My grandfather took my mother with him when he remarried an Argentinian woman so, all my mother’s family is only her half-siblings here. Um… you can imagine that… when they learned about my disorder, they kind of considered that- that… I’m just the continuity of my grandmother’s _impure blood_ \- that I’m an error, a _freak like my aunt_ …” she explains with a small voice, staring at their intertwined hands.

“Impure blood? A freak? Do you hear yourself?” blurts Cris. “Tell me you don’t believe in those stupid things?” she asks but only receives a dead silence from the raven-haired girl, who’s still staring into the void. “Okay, first- mental illnesses and mental handicaps are completely different, and you perfectly know it- and anyway, what’s the problem in having a mentally handicapped person in the family? Second, if they can’t understand that you’re an amazing human being, with so many good and true values even if you struggle with your illness, that’s their loss. So, screw them.” affirms the blonde, before making her girlfriend raise her gaze with a finger under her chin. “You’re a talented woman- you’re brilliant, kind and caring, but you’re certainly _not_ an error.” she finishes, emphasizing her words with intense and supportive eyes.

Joana slowly brings her girlfriend’s hands to her lips and thankfully kisses them before letting Cris tenderly stroke her skin and her hair. The raven-haired girl deeply sighs, relieved.

“I’m so glad you’re here with me… You don’t know how safe and understood you make me feel…”

\--

Thursday, 21h13

“ _Sin Marta, no hay fiesta_!” exclaims in unison Alma and Joana as they clink their glasses together, before bursting out laughing.

_I never thought I would one day see Joana that way. Well- I already saw her being drunk as fuck and laughing like an idiot with complete strangers but- seeing her being so comfortable and genuinely happy with people who know her since forever is… heartwarming…?_

“Go on, you can laugh _boludas_ , but I was a _real diva_ in my young days!” affirms Marta with a hoarse laugh, serving herself another glass of _that wonderful_ wine. Cris hands the old lady her glass with a half-laughing, half-trying to remain polite “please”. “Oh, here you go _Rubia_! My husband would’ve loved you, you’re a woman of taste!” she lets out, brightly smiling.

“She’s always the one choosing our drinks when we hang out!” proudly explains Joana, almost childishly, as she grins at her girlfriend before resting her head on her arm, which immediately makes the heat rise on the blonde’s cheeks. _Dios… Joana and her subtlety with alcohol…_ Marta exchanges a quick glance with her _more-than-happy_ daughter, before fondly smiling at the two other girls.

“ _Oye_ , talking about _Papa_ \- Joana, you remember when you almost burned the house?” asks Alma, chuckling as she sees the raven-haired girl hiding her face with her hands.

“You what…?” blurts Cris in a laugh, turning her head to look at her girlfriend.

“Come on, do we have to bring this again?” sighs Joana with gleaming eyes and _the funniest pout on earth._

“Ooooh yes, we have to tell her this story…” affirms Alma, already giggling as she looks at Cris. “One day, her grandfather found Joana playing with a huge burning stick of wood next to the fireplace. We thought he saw a ghost when we heard him yell from the living room!” explains Alma with teary eyes as the blonde feels Joana’s quick laughing jolts against her arm.

“And I’m the chaotic one? Seriously?” jokes Cris, staring again at her girlfriend, falsely-offended.

“I was six! I don’t even remember where I got that stick!” blurts Joana as she sits up, looking in disbelief at the blonde and trying her best to justify herself.

The four women laugh in unison, before continuing the night with other glasses and funny anecdotes about the life before.

\--

Friday, 18h57

 _Today was a big day. We spent the morning here; they all decided to league against me and made me ride a horse. How to say that it was… a disaster? But it was fun, they’re all so nice with me- even Mia starts to like me…_ _We also went for a ride with Esteban’s bike in the afternoon, alone on the road, with the endless wilderness around us… it was wonderful. But… even if everything was calm and amazing-_ _Joana was somewhere else the entire day. She was smiling whenever I was looking at her, but… I don’t know, I can feel it- something’s wrong. She’s been leaning against the wall for several minutes now, silent and pensive, waiting for me to change my clothes._

Cris slowly approaches her girlfriend, as the latter follows her movement with her gaze. “Is everything alright?” she asks, tenderly stroking her cheek.

Joana shrugs with a crooked smile in answer. The blonde leans forward to leave a soft and supportive kiss on her _motionless_ lips.

“Do you love me?” mumbles the raven-haired girl when their mouths separate.

“What…?” blurts Cris in a whisper, swiftly moving backward to face her girlfriend, confused.

_Your gaze… What’s happening? Why are you scared…?_

“Do you love me?” asks again Joana with a small voice, as they can’t stop staring at each other’s eyes.

“ _Sapito_ … of course, I- Joana, I love you. Never doubt it.” affirms the blonde, still completely confused but trying her best to reassure her girlfriend.

Joana faintly smiles with teary eyes as she weakly nods, before slowly leaning forward to rest her head on Cris’ shoulder, where she deeply sighs.

“I need to show you something.”

\--

Friday, 19h17

_We’re walking in silence for 10 minutes now… Her face is so closed and serious- she doesn’t want to let anything out. It’s been ages since I last saw her like that._

They’re arriving in a small place a little offset from the center of the village, surrounded by many trees and high stone walls. _Is it a… a cemetery…?_

They pass through the gates, _not exchanging a single word or gaze_. Cris just silently follows Joana in the many perpendicular alleys surrounding them, until her girlfriend stops in front of a grave, taking a deep breath.

“Hey…” weakly murmurs the raven-haired girl, holding her sleeves in her fists. _This is the kind of tone she never uses. The kind of tone so fragile that I only heard it in really rare and special times. Her walls are completely down right now…_

“I lost my uncle 6 years ago.” blurts Joana, finally turning towards her girlfriend. _I- what…?_ _She needs to talk…_ I can feel it- _I think she was preparing all of this in her head for a really long time…_ “His name was Nicolás; he was my father’s older brother. We were really close- I think I was spending more time with him than with my father.” she slightly chuckles, as Cris faintly smiles back at her. “I’m sure you would’ve loved each other.”

“What happened…?” softly asks the latter, carefully watching her girlfriend’s gesture to notice any sign of discomfort.

“This idiot was drinking, smoking and eating whatever he wanted. His heart was big, but not strong enough.” explains the raven-haired girl, staring back at the stone in front of her.

“I see…”

“He is the one who gave me the necklace.” declares Joana, nervously playing with it. _Oh… I didn’t expect that either._ The raven-haired girl sits cross-legged in front of the grave, as Cris doesn’t move an inch, giving her some space. “When I was younger, I didn’t have a lot of friends at school and… it wasn’t that easy. Plus, around Christmas, we learned that we were moving to Spain. I think he was feeling that I wasn’t really fine so… he gave me the necklace on my 14th birthday, he told me it would protect me from everything as it did with him.” She stops to take a deep breath. “He died a week later; and two weeks before we left.” She slightly pauses, before continuing with an even smaller voice than it already was. “I worked a lot on it but… sometimes I just feel so guilty… I can’t stop thinking it’s my fault. This necklace was protecting him, and… now he’s gone.” explains Joana, her voice slightly breaking.

Cris carefully comes sit next to her, before resting her hand on her girlfriend’s shoulder. First, the raven-haired girl tenses up, but her body quickly relaxes under her touch, as Cris starts to tenderly rub her back.

“I already had some mood swings, but we didn’t know- it was just a _“well, she’s a teenager”_ thing, but… after his death, everything got worse. We were leaving and it felt like I was pushed in a life I didn’t want to- well, live? I felt betrayed- it was like my parents were pushing me into the void; I wasn’t prepared, I wasn’t ready to assume this new life: new house, new school, new people, new lifestyle, new hours, new- everything; and all of this… without him and his support. For a really long time, I felt like I had no home. Spain was too new for me, and here, I couldn’t get back the warmth I used to feel…” slowly explains Joana, taking some pauses all along as her girlfriend keeps tenderly stroking the back of her neck. “Ah _joder_ … I didn’t want to cry…” she mumbles, sniffing and wiping her eyes. “I prepared all of this explanation so many times, why am I crying like a baby?” slightly chuckles the raven-haired girl, meeting Cris’ teary but loving gaze.

“It’s alright…” she whispers, rubbing her girlfriend’s wet cheeks, as she rests her forehead against Joana’s. “So… that’s what you were afraid to tell me…?”

“I’m sorry… I just- I don’t know. I never told anyone in Spain; only my therapists, but to be honest, I always tried to avoid the subject. Maybe I just didn’t want my past to be part of my new life, or… maybe it was easier to just- _ignore_ all of this… Forgive me, I wanted to tell you everything sooner but…”

“Stop being sorry.” interrupts Cris, shaking her head in disbelief. “Seriously, Joana. If you haven’t told me all of this before, it’s because you weren’t ready, that’s all. We always said that we would take our time. It’s okay, really.” she affirms, her hands fondling Joana’s hair.

The latter faintly smiles at her girlfriend’s words, before hugging her tightly for some minutes, relieved.

“Fuck, I forgot the song.” blurts Joana, startling Cris and abruptly leaving the hug to take her phone. A typical 80’s song starts playing with the synth and the drums echoing in the entire place. _Let’s say it’s not the kind of songs usually played in a cemetery but… it seems important for her._

_Do you believe in Heaven above?_

_Do you believe in love?_

_Don't tell a lie, don't be false or untrue_

_It all comes back to you_

_Open fire!_

_On my burning heart_

_I've never been lucky in love_

_My defenses are down_

_A kiss or a frown_

_I can't survive on my own_

_If a girl walks in and carves her name in my heart_

_I'll turn and run away_

_Every day, we've all been led astray_

_It's hard to be lucky in love_

_It gets in your eyes_

_It's making you cry_

_Don't know what to do_

_Don't know what to do_

_You're looking for love_

_Calling Heaven above_

_Send me an angel_

_Send me an angel_

_Right now, right now_

_Send me an angel_

_Send me an angel_

_Right now, right now_

_Empty dreams can only disappoint_

_In a room behind your smile_

_But don't give up (give up), don't give up_

_You can be lucky in love_

_It gets in your eyes_

_It's making you cry_

_Don't know what to do_

_Don't know what to do_

_You're looking for love_

_Calling Heaven above_

_Send me an angel_

_Send me an angel_

_Right now, right now_

_Right now_

After a small silence at the end of the song, Cris patiently waits for her girlfriend to look back at her before talking.

“What about this song?”

“It was one of his favorites- he was listening to it all the time. Whenever we would take his car, this song was playing and we always were singing it at the top of our lungs.” explains Joana with a small smile. “When I was younger, I didn’t really get the meaning of the lyrics, but the more I was growing up, the more it made sense to me… It’s like everything was tied up since the very beginning.”

“ _Everything was tied up?_ ” repeats Cris, a little confused.

“Yeah, it’s strange that one of the songs he loved the most on earth was kind of portraying my own future fears but also my quest of someone who would understand me- or at least try, and who would love me for exactly who I am.” admits the raven-haired girl, looking at her girlfriend right in the eyes.

“If you’re going to say something like: _you’re my angel_ \- I’m gonna slap you so damn hard.” jokes Cris with raised eyebrows, making Joana slightly laugh.

“Yeah- definitively, you would’ve loved each other.”

\--

Saturday, 15h48

Mia is joyfully screaming with her arms wide open while Joana is trying her best to keep the little girl steady on her shoulders as she’s running in front of the house. _She seems so relieved… She spent last night telling me stories about her and Nicolás; of course, there were a lot of tears, especially when she talked about her memory of his scratching beard and his tobacco smell whenever they were hugging each other but- she was also so happy to finally share all the stupid things they used to do together…_

“Girls! Come here! Your snack is ready!” exclaims Marta, interrupting them as she places a huge tray full of pastries, a bag of yerba mate and a steaming kettle on the outside table. _It’s mate time, I guess._

The raven-haired girl immediately stops before crouching to let Mia cheerfully run to the table. Joana sits next to Cris, out of breath but _beaming_ , as she rests her hand on her girlfriend’s thigh; the blonde replies with a gentle stroke on the back of her neck and a bright smile. They exchange a tender and solicitous gaze before paying attention to the chats around them.

“Marta, do you want to come with me to the market before tomorrow’s mass?” asks Martín, holding his daughter in his arms.

“Oh yes, why not _hijo_!”

“Me too! I want to come _Papa_!” exclaims Mia, playing with his hand.

“If you want baby girl, the girls will also come with us, right?” he says, looking at Joana with a soft smile.

“Um… I- I don’t know…” stammers the raven-haired girl, a little taken aback. _Her hand tensed up; she’s nervous._

“ _Cari_ _ñ_ _o_ … You don’t have to- but you know it’s important for us… and I’m sure your father would like for you to go at his place this time. Plus, Cris can come if you want.” affirms her grandmother, carefully resting her hand on Joana’s wrist.

“Grandma.” she mutters, withdrawing her hand from Marta’s touch. “First, stop talking to me like a child; it’s like you’re always walking on eggshells when you’re telling me something. Second, you perfectly know I never believed in all of this and anyway- I’m not dad.” she sternly lets out with her entire body speaking for her, _she’s losing her temper_.

“Joana…” sighs Alma, staring at her niece, feeling what’s coming.

“What? It’s true. I know you’re all so disappointed that I don’t have faith, but dad doesn’t have it either. He just makes the effort to come with you because he doesn’t want to sadden you. I don’t nee…”

“But it’s not about that _hija_!” blurts Marta, raising her voice and immediately stopping Joana. “I know your dad doesn’t share our faith, but he just has the _decency_ to help us with our grief. We just want to reunite and share a moment all together with and for your uncle and your grandfather. Is it too much to ask you to give us some support?”

“Oh yeah- you never helped me with my own grief or _anything else_ , but now that “ _everything’s fine”_ you expect me to s _upport_ you? What a great family.” coldly retorts the raven-haired girl, as she stands up with clenched fists, glaring at the silent table in front of her before walking away with Cris trying to follow her but also immediately getting pushed away.

\--

Sunday, 10h23

_Last night, Joana came back completely soaked around midnight. Of course, I couldn’t sleep so I just waited her, pacing up and down in our room. I’m used to give her some space and not being able to help her, but her leaving our place for hours in another country is something pretty stressful…_

_She tried to talk but she just fell in my arms, completely exhausted and crying all the tears she had. We spend an hour and half trying to calm her down before she finally fell asleep. She had a restless night, almost waking up every hour and having cold sweat._

_We just woke up. Joana took some deep breaths before finally gathering the strength to go eat something._

When the couple arrives downstairs, they see Alma sitting alone outside. Cris gently strokes her girlfriend’s arm to suggest her to go talk with her. After a long hesitation with her hand on the handle, the raven-haired girl slowly opens the front door, startling her aunt, who immediately turns around to meet her niece’s stern gaze.

“You didn’t go?” asks Joana with an unreadable tone.

“No, I wanted to talk to you…” admits Alma with a small voice.

“It’s not necessary.”

“Yes, it is.” she blurts, staring at Joana who was ready to go back inside. The raven-haired girl stares back at her aunt before silently sitting next to her. “I want to apologize.” she continues with a sigh.

“For what?”

“A lot of things- but first, about yesterday. You were right, we can’t just ask you to come with us and expect you to replace your father… but please… forgive your Grandma- you know how we always get kind of intense about those topics…”

“Yeah.” replies the raven-haired girl, looking right in front of her.

After a small silence, Alma takes a deep breath and decides to continue. “I also wanted to apologize about _everything else_.” she admits, as her niece turns towards her to meet her gaze. “About the fact that it took us way too much time to understand and accept your illness; about the fact that we should’ve understand that your grief and your emotions were as important as ours; and about the fact that we weren’t there when you were at your lowest…”

At those words, Joana remains silent, staring at her hands.

“I’m- I’m so sorry Joana, please say something.” continues Alma with a small and desperate voice.

“One candle.”

“What…?”

“After mass, let’s find Grandma and leave a candle into the church together.” slowly says the raven-haired girl, finally looking at a _more than lost and taken aback_ Alma. “It took me a lot of time but- I think it’s important for me to finally share my grief with you. Maybe it’s time for us to finally put back the pieces together and move forward…” she admits with a calm but also sad gaze.

“Thank you…” whispers her aunt, carefully taking her hand in hers with a relieved smile.

\--

Monday, 20h27

“Auntie will drive us to the bus in the afternoon.” explains Joana, interrupting Cris and her grandmother as she enters the living room. Her girlfriend is quietly sitting in front of Marta, who’s applying the last modifications to her painting.

“I see…” sighs the old lady, turning towards her. “You’re sure you want to leave tomorrow darling? You could also spend the next week with us… There’s so many things you haven’t shown Cris!”

“I know Grandma… but we have a reservation in Buenos Aires; we already paid. Plus, there’s also a lot of things to see in the capital.”

“Aaaah… You’re right, you need to enjoy your young days my girls!” admits her grandmother with a bright smile, _but her eyes… I’m sorry…_ “Anyway! Come here Joana, I need your eyes. What do you think?” she asks, making the raven-hired girl take her seat as she rests her hands on her shoulders.

Joana is a little stunned by what’s in front of her. _A beaming Cris with her untied hair flying around her face… Her deep smiling blue eyes looking right through my soul… Her colored baby cheeks… It’s like there’s a halo surrounding her, it’s…_

“Beautiful…” she whispers, speechless.

“Be objective!” lets out Marta, tapping her granddaughter’s shoulder.

“Ouch! But I’m objective!”

“No, you’re not- you’re in love. All the representations of your loved one are beautiful; but right now, I’m talking to your artistic eye, not your lovey-dovey heart!”

Joana slightly sighs with a bright smile, exchanging a knowing gaze with her laughing girlfriend. “Well… the lighting in her hair is horrible.” she finally replies.

“Aaahhh, see? What should I do?”

“You could…” starts the raven-haired girl, grabbing a paintbrush and mixing some colors together. “…make the tone a little lighter here.” she continues, slowly and carefully brushing the canvas under Marta’s proud and smiling gaze.

“Good. I’m glad you chose to develop your artsy side like me; we need to perpetuate our gift!” she affirms, tenderly rubbing Joana’s shoulders, _who wears the dumbest smile on earth_.

\--

Tuesday, 15h57

_She hates goodbyes. She’s staying away, already taking some distance from everyone- even Pancho, which she hasn’t pet since lunch. You’re so tensed…_

“Cris, darling. This is the painting.” softly says Marta, handing the blonde a medium cardboard tube. “Treasure it, the only other portrait I gave to someone was to my daughter-in-law.” she explains with tender and caring eyes.

“Thank you so much Marta… I’ll take care of it- I promise.” affirms Cris with a touched smile, before being pulled in a tight hug by the old lady.

“You’re sure you want nothing for the trip? You have water huh? I could give you some biscuits...” continues Marta as she leaves the hug, looking at her granddaughter.

“Noooo Grandma… it’s alright.” sighs Joana, trying her best to give Marta a smile.

“I don’t want you to leave…” whines Mia, holding Cris’ and Joana’s legs. The blonde glances at her girlfriend and sees her discomfort.

“Joana will come back soon with your uncle and your aunt.” affirms Cris with a bright smile, as she crouches next to the little girl to fondle her hair.

“You won’t come back…?”

“I don’t know…” she replies with apologetic eyes. “But I’ll try! Okay?” she continues, seeing Mia tearing up. The little girl jumps to wrap her arms around Cris’ neck, holding her tightly.

“We should go.” admits Joana with an unreadable tone and a closed face.

\--

The couple is standing next to the bus stop with Alma, as a week ago. The same looks and the same silence but this time, none of them are smiling.

 _I can’t take it anymore…_ Joana swiftly moves forward and hugs her aunt tightly, muffling her head in her neck.

“It was good to see you…” affirms Alma, her voice slightly breaking as she tenderly rubs her niece’s back. “Tell my stupid brother that he better come see us next time!” she lets out, half-sobbing half chuckling.

“I will.” replies Joana with a faint smile as she leaves the hug.

“Goodbye Cris.” smiles Alma, also hugging the blonde. “I’m happy she met someone like you… Take care of each other.” she murmurs in her ear, before pulling away.

“Goodbye Alma.” replies Cris with a small nod, as they tenderly smile at each other; while Joana is already getting on the bus.

\--

_We haven’t exchanged a single gaze since we left. She’s been silently staring at the window for 15 minutes now… Don’t hide from me…_

Cris slowly takes her girlfriend’s hand in hers, letting her thumb gently rub her skin. She hears the raven-haired girl take a sharp and surprised breath, before starting to sob as she places her other hand on her eyes, still turning her head from the blonde. Joana intertwines their fingers as she holds her hand tighter. After some seconds, she silently moves on her seat to rest her head on her girlfriend’s shoulder, now holding her waist with her other arm.

Cris says nothing. She slightly turns her head and raises her free hand to remove some messy wet strands of hair from her girlfriend’s cheeks and eyes. She tenderly places them behind Joana’s ear, before leaving soothing kisses on her forehead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So… 9000 words huh? I don’t know, I just wanted to give Joana some background? And I’m really sorry if it’s not what you were expecting.  
> Yes, to me Joana is a cat AND a dog person.  
> Shosho because Jojo, because in French my surname is Yoyo and I kind of find all of this really funny for no damn reason.  
> Why a Joana fond of motorcycles? Well- why not?  
> Yep, a lot of completely made up backstory for Joana, I don’t know why, I just wanted to exteriorize some insecurities, I guess.  
> I’m so tired of seeing homophobia lately so I didn’t want to go that way and just gave them some acceptance.  
> At first, I didn’t want to touch the necklace because it’s REALLY symbolic, but at the same time, I wanted to appropriate it, and build something completely new for her with some of my own flaws. I hope you don’t mind. Plus, tbh I was really mad to not have a background for it in season 2! (I still hope they will tell us more about it in season 4, but a girl can dream)  
> The song is Send Me An Angel by Real Life and it was also one of my uncle’s favorite songs, and yeah, that’s it, I just listened to it a month ago because we talked about him with my mom, and I kind of realized that it could fit with Joana.  
> Argentina without talking about mate? Lol. And yep, I dared broaching religion, sorry 🤷
> 
> Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this new chapter after a loooong lack of content. The next chapter will come when it will come, be patient 😊


	22. Buenos Aires

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The art of flirting in a museum, some tango and… a lot of bonding. What else do we need for a week in Buenos Aires?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I knoooow, I took my time… but it’s better than botching this fic.   
> I hope you’ll still enjoy this chapter!  
> (Btw, we're just after the end of the last chapter)

Wednesday, 16h13

They’re in bed, with Joana lying on her stomach, as Cris is tenderly drawing small circles on her back with her fingertips.

_She spent the entire night awake, fighting terrible insomnias. I saw some of her drawings in the morning- it was… it was a tough night for her… We stayed the entire day in bed; she couldn’t find the strength to leave it. She maybe said “I’m sorry” a thousand times. At lunch, I went outside an hour, trying to find us some food, but I didn’t really want to explore the city without her. When I came back, she was finally asleep; she moaned and woke up several times, but the last hour was completely peaceful, that’s a good sign._

The raven-haired moves slightly, before turning towards her girlfriend and wrap her arm around her waist.

“Hey…” murmurs Cris, tenderly removing Joana’s messy hair from her face.

“Hi…” barely mumbles her girlfriend, burying her head in the blonde’s neck.

“How do you feel…?”

“In this minute, I feel-- not that bad… just… exhausted.”

“Okay…” whispers Cris, kissing her forehead.

“What time is it?” asks the raven-haired girl with a slight groan, rubbing her eyes.

“Um… I don’t know- maybe 16h.”

“Already?” blurts Joana, swiftly moving backward with her eyes wide open.

“Yeah, you’re a heavy sleeper when you want.” smiles the blonde, playfully poking her nose.

“But—you stayed with me the entire time? Did you eat?”

“Yes, I ate at lunch, don’t worry.” affirms Cris, tenderly putting a strand of hair behind her girlfriend’s ear. 

“I’m sorry…” deeply sighs Joana, closing her eyes as she lowers her head.

“Stop saying that… It’s alright, we both needed to rest.”

“Yeah…”

“Anyway, talking about eating- are you hungry? I can go buy us something if you want.” enthusiastically says the blonde, making Joana raise her gaze with a finger under her chin.

“I don’t know- maybe… I should come with you; I need some fresh air.”

“Are you sure?” she asks with a worried frown, but Joana stops her with a tender kiss. “Okay…” smiles Cris, before slowly leaving their embrace. “Try to surface while I’m preparing our stuff.” she murmurs, before kissing her cheek.

“Cris…?” mumbles the raven-haired girl, immediately stopping her girlfriend who turns towards her.

“Yes?”

“Thank you.” says Joana with serious but also warm eyes, making Cris smile brightly.

\--

Thursday, 11h37

“Am I really gonna spend the entire week with you on my back whenever we walk more than 10 minutes?” sighs Joana when her girlfriend finally gets off her back as they arrive in front of a huge flower made of steel.

“Pfff, stop pretending, I know you like it.” affirms the blonde, exaggeratedly pouting.

“Whatever.” replies her girlfriend, trying to hold a smile as Cris tenderly pecks her cheek.

“Anyway! Miss perfect-guide, where are we now?” she enthusiastically asks, hugging Joana’s neck and pressing her cheek against hers. The latter straighten up with a smirk, as she clears her throat.

“This— is… _Floralis Genérica_ ; the most uncommon flower that ever existed. The architect Eduardo Catalano offered this sumptuous sculpture to Buenos Aires in 2002- _you have the same age_ \- and once, he declared that the flower _is a synthesis of all the flowers and, at the same time, a hope reborn every day at opening._ Because yes, you heard me right, every day, the mechanism inside of it, allows the flower to open her steel petals in the morning and close them when the sun sets.” proudly explains the raven-haired girl with a posh tone, exaggeratedly moving her hands during her entire speech.

“You really love doing this, huh?” asks Cris with a bright grin.

“It’s you who love listening to me.” affirms Joana with a shrug but playful eyes.

“Maybe.” murmurs her girlfriend, cupping her face before leaving a tender kiss on her lips. “Anyway, come on! Take a picture of me in front of it; I need to show that to the girls!” she then exclaims, _stopping the kiss a little too soon_ , as the raven-haired girl can’t help but smile brightly at an excited Cris.

\--

Thursday, 14h48

“Oh my… God!” exclaims Cris, making some people turn towards the couple as they finally reach the end of the stairs.

“I told you we would have a great point of view here.” smiles Joana, gently resting her hand on her girlfriend’s back.

_Of course, she loves this mirador; why did I even doubt it? We can overlook the entire city from here. I came several times, but it’s still so… special. I’m glad I can share this part of my past with her…_ The raven-haired girl gently replaces Cris’ braid, before stroking the back of her neck with one hand.

“Even in winter this city is so lively; I love it!” enthusiastically admits the blonde, _with sparkles in her eyes_. “And it’s so European by the way; I thought I would feel far from home, but not at all, it’s like being in Madrid but...”

“With people talking way too loudly and fast?” chuckles Joana, making her girlfriend giggle.

“Yeah… there’s a little of that…” continues Cris with a shrug and a funny face.

“ _Idiota_.” they both sigh with _stupid_ grins, not really paying attention to the view anymore.

\--

Thursday, 17h39

“So… what are we doing tonight?” teasingly asks Cris, trying to tie her hair with a towel as she enters their room; but she finds Joana sitting on the bed and gesturing her to stay quiet as she’s on the phone.

“Why are you calling me that late dad? It’s almost 23h in Spain. Yes- yes, I know, but I just didn’t have the time to call you.” she sighs, annoyed and rubbing her eyes. “Yes, the hotel is nice. Yes, I’m fine, stop asking me this damn question. I know how to handle myself, just trust me- I’m calm! It’s you who just can’t understand that I can be fine in another country without your help.” she blurts, starting to raise her voice and nervously moving her body.

Cris only lowers her gaze, staying where she is and not knowing what to do.

“What about Grandma? Yeah- yes. Yeah, but- dad… can we talk about it later? And anyway, if you want to hear news from them, just call them? Yes… I know that.” she continues, scratching her head before rolling her eyes again at her father’s words. “Listen Papa, I think you can understand that if I’m on vacation with my girlfriend in another country, it’s because I want to spend all the time I’ve got with her and not with my parents on the damn phone! Excuse me? I promised nothing- and especially not something that would allow you to control everything I’m doing. Yeah? Well, I don’t care- just leave me alone!” she lets out, hanging up before fiercely hitting the mattress with her phone in her fist.

Cris slowly sits next to her girlfriend, who has now her elbow resting on her knees as she tries to soothe herself with her hands in her hair. _She’s breathing heavily…_ The blonde gently rests her hand on her shoulder, but Joana swiftly withdraws it from her touch.

“Please, don’t.”

\--

Friday, 10h49

_I hate falling asleep angry; in the morning I always feel that damn knot in my throat._

Joana turns around in the sheets and sees her girlfriend already awake, sitting at the edge of the bed and reading something on her laptop. _What time is it…? Why didn’t you wake me up?_ The raven-haired girl slowly sits up, massaging her temples.

“Oh, hey you…” tenderly says Cris in a low voice, closing her laptop as she sits cross-legged in front of her girlfriend.

_More than two years and I think I’ll never get over her smile. It’s so supportive, soothing and sincere… even when I push her away… I fucked up last night…_

“Hey…” replies Joana, staring at her hands as she pinches her lips; trying to gather her thoughts. “Um… wha- what were you doing on your laptop?” she asks, nodding towards her girlfriend’s lap as she nervously plays with her fingertips.

“Oh, um- I was trying to plan our day, well- afternoon. Do you want to see what I found?” asks the blonde, excited.

“Yeah- yeah, of course.” replies Joana with a slight smile, as Cris comes sits next to her. _She seems proud of her. What’s going on in that beautiful mind of yours?_

“Look, we could go eat in this restaurant. All the comments are pretty positive, it’s not that expensive, aaaand… it’s close of… the _Museo Nacional de Bellas Artes_!” she explains with a bright grin, making her girlfriend slightly chuckle.

“You want to go to the museum?” asks the raven-haired girl with raised eyebrows but also a smile reaching her ears.

“Yes!” she affirms with a confused frown. “That’s one of the first things you told me about Buenos Aires when we were dating for… barely a month. Of course, I’m not fond of this kind of place but… I want you to enjoy your trip here.” she admits with a smaller smile, looking at her girlfriend right in the eyes.

Joana’s grin slowly faints at those words. “Cris… I don’t want you to think that I’m not enjoying all of this…” she sighs with shifty eyes, not daring to face the blonde. “Plus, you shouldn’t put me first, you need to enjoy it too.”

“Eh…” murmurs Cris, gently resting her hand on her girlfriend’s neck before slowly stroking it. “If I’m proposing this kind of excursion, it’s because I want to do them too- especially with you.”

“I’m sorry for yesterday…” blurts the raven-haired girl with teary eyes, finally meeting the Cris’ gaze.

“I know…” replies her girlfriend with a supportive smile, opening her arms to let Joana hug her. “Come on big baby, don’t cry…” she sobs with a smile, holding her tighter. “It happens- it’s okay… it’s okay…”

\--

Friday, 15h28

_Where is she…? Come on, I laid my eyes 10 seconds on a painting and now I lost her… I can’t believe I’m searching for my 20-years-old girlfriend in a museum as if she were a little girl._

Cris enters another room and sees her girlfriend sitting on a bench in front of a painting of a young naked woman next to a lake.

“There you are!” exclaims the blonde a little too loudly, making her girlfriend and a monitor gesture her to be quiet. “Sorry…” she murmurs, before sitting next to Joana. “What’s that painting?” she asks, seeing the raven-haired girl pensive in front of this artwork.

“I think that’s the first painting I can remember seeing… for real? It feels strange to be in front of it again, I always found it… impressive.” she explains with a small frown.

“Well… maybe that deep down, you already knew that staring at naked women was your thing.” teasingly says Cris, making Joana slightly chuckles as she covers her eyes with her hands, exasperated by her girlfriend. “You’re right- sorry, I said I was going to be serious.” admits the blonde, laughing and resting her hand on Joana’s thigh. “Go on, what’s the name of this one.”

“The Surprised Nymph by Edouard Manet, well- originally it’s _La Nymphe Surprise._ ”

“Wow, impressive French accent.”

“Shut up.” quickly says the raven-haired girl, holding a laugh, before continuing her explanation. “If I remember correctly, I think this work is part of the French impressionism or… naturalism? I don’t know. It kind of marked an important change for Manet and his career.”

“Uhum… Okay, great but- what was wrong with all of them painting naked women in the 19th century? And- especially for this one- invading their intimacy?”

“Well… um… the bodies- especially naked are… beautiful.” starts Joana as she tries to find the right words, intrigued by her girlfriend’s question. “Even more here because we have a nymph, a beautiful and… bewitching woman, most of the time leaving into the woods. At this period, it was kind of the _dream_ of every artist—like Baudelaire for example, who was depicting a lot of naked women in _Les Fleurs du Mal_ ; we could say it’s the… _embodiment_ _of Beauty_ , you see? And also, at this period, it was even more important, because they were starting to represent the bodies as they really were. Here, the woman is maybe a nymph, but most of all, she’s the painter’s partner and future wife.”

_She’s always so passionate and impressive whenever she explains me all those artsy facts. I love listening to her…_

“I see…” murmurs Cris, kind of pensive as she looks at the painting, before quickly getting back her playful smile as she turns towards Joana. “I just hope that one day I won’t have my body exposed like that in a museum because of your works.”

The raven-haired girl slightly chuckles as she shakes her head in disbelief, before leaning to whisper something in her girlfriend’s ear. “Don’t worry, I keep those drawings preciously for myself and my lonely nights.” she affirms with a smirk, feeling the goosebumps she just created on the blonde’s neck. “Anyway- Madame, shall we continue our tour?” she asks with a bright grin, offering Cris her hands, who’s now a blushing mess.

\--

Saturday, 9h38

The couple is sitting on their bed, eating the different trays of fruits and Argentinian pastries they ordered last night, not wanting to meet all the other people in the restaurant room.

“We should do this more often.” admits Joana, swallowing a piece of fruit.

“What?”

“Taking our time to eat together in the morning.”

“Well… I would love to but our schedules are not really compatible… Most of the time you’re leaving the apartment before I even wake up.” sighs Cris, meeting her girlfriend’s gaze with apologizing eyes.

“I know… It just—it feels so good to sleep and just- have some rest together. No job, no lessons, no problems; only time for us and nothing else to think about…” affirms the raven-haired girl, lying down, one hand behind her neck.

The blonde puts down her plate and silently approaches her girlfriend, taking her arm and wrapping it around her as she rests her head on Joana’s shoulder. She starts playing with the raven-haired girl’s fingers as the latter breathes deeply in her hair.

“Maybe… maybe we could stop thinking about _what could be_ and just enjoy this moment right now.” whispers Cris after a minute, not wanting to disturb their peaceful silence.

“Can we go walk next to the sea a little later, then…? I would like to keep you in my arms a little longer…” admits Joana, holding the blonde a little tighter.

“We can do that yeah…” replies Cris, raising her head to meet her girlfriend’s gaze as she gently strokes her cheek. The two women tenderly smile at each other, before leaning into a deep and caring kiss.

\--

Saturday, 16h56

“I told you we would be cold at some point…” sighs Joana with a worried gaze, seeing her girlfriend shiver and rubbing her arms with her hands.

The blonde is ready to answer but they’re interrupted by some typical Latin music coming from the colorful street _Caminito_ some houses away. A small group is gathered around street dancers in traditional outfit.

“Oooh, it seems that they’re teaching tango to the tourists!” exclaims Joana with a bright grin and sparkles in her eyes as she hurries towards the gathering, pulling Cris by the hand with her. “It could warm you up.” she continues with playful eyes.

“Wait, you want me to dance with these men? or you? Because with what I saw several times… you’re not a dancer baby…” laughs her girlfriend, mocking the now pouting raven-haired girl.

“My mother taught me; when she was younger, she was practicing a lot.” she affirms, as she crosses her arms in front of her chest, offended.

“I know, one day we danced together.” proudly replies Cris with raised eyebrows.

“Seriously? Why didn’t I know about it?” asks Joana, dumbstruck, with a little higher-pitched voice and her eyes wide open.

“Oh _querida_ … there’s so many things you don’t know.” laughs the blonde, smiling even more at her girlfriend’s reaction.

“ _Hola señoritas_ , a little dance?” interrupts a young man with a more than well-trimmed black beard and a charming smirk, who offers his hand with one of his partners to the two women.

The couple only has the time to exchange a confused and hesitating gaze before being pulled in the middle of the crowd, following the rhythm of the music and the dancers’ directives as they can.

After some crushed feet, messy moves and clumsy glares at _way too low_ _hands_ on the other girl’s back; the two women finally meet each other again, being able to giggle at each other’s inability to tango in a smooth and sensual way.

This attempt to dance ends up in a tender and laughing hug in the middle of other lively bodies, surrounded by colorful buildings and a _not-that-cold-anymore_ atmosphere.

\--

Sunday, 15h18

“I can’t believe it; we’re here for only a week and we find a way to have one of the six rainy days in august in Buenos Aires.” sighs Cris, looking at the rain falling from the little recess they found in front of a building 10 minutes ago when the downpour started.

“I know…” replies Joana with the same tone, staring at her feet.

“Maybe we could find a café or something near? I wouldn’t say no to a warm _maté_.” smiles her girlfriend, trying to cheer them up as she takes her phone out of her pocket.

“Wait, I think I know a place not that far from here, but I can’t remember the name… It’s a place where they only serve sugar and Argentinian sweet specialties.” explains Joana with a faint smile, trying to remember.

“If the food is the same that at your grandma’s, I’m in.” admits the blonde with raised hands, making her girlfriend slightly chuckle.

“I need to ask my mother; I’m sure she knows where it is.” quickly says the raven-haired girl, already calling her. “Hey mom… Yes, don’t worry… I know, me too…” she replies with _a little voice_. _She hasn’t call back since Thursday… but guessing from her expression, I think everything’s fine between them._ “Um, yeah sorry, I was calling you because- you know this kind of café where we always go and where there’s an all-you-can-eat buffet but they only serve pastries, and sweets? Do you remember its name? I want to take Cris there--- Dioooos, thank you Mom you’re amazing! Yes, we’ll send you some photos don’t worry. Me too, bye.”

“I guess she remembered?” asks Cris, meeting her girlfriend’s shining and joyous eyes.

“Yep, follow me!”

“Wait, it’s still raining!” blurts the blonde, holding her hand back.

“Who cares? Run!” replies Joana with a shrug and a playful smile, before starting to rush under the rain.

\--

The couple enters an old little café _\- “Sweet Paradise” it says_ \- as a waiter hasten to help them getting rid of their completely soaked jacket, and invite them to follow him downstairs.

The old fashion look with dark oak beams, many paintings of tango dancers or landscapes and heavy orange-yellow light bulbs falling from the ceiling; clearly contrast with what the two women find on the lower floor: colorful neon lights, long booth seats all along the walls and huge tables filled with many cakes, pastries, sweets, soft and hot drinks; all of this surrounded by a warm and clearly welcoming atmosphere, as a low pop music is played in the background.

“And you only thought about taking me here today?” asks Cris turning towards her girlfriend, amazed and clearly excited by what’s in front of her.

Joana answers with a proud grin as she offers her arm to the blonde, before following the waiter together.

\--

Sunday, 16h41

“ _Dios_ , and I can’t eat more.” admits Joana resting her back on her seat with a relieved sigh.

“I think I can’t even move right now.” laughs her girlfriend, her hands covering her stomach.

They remain silent for some minutes, enjoying the moment, as the raven-haired girl rests her head on her girlfriend’s shoulder.

“Do you want to do something tonight?”

“Well of course, if you want- but I warn you, I’m not eating in a restaurant tonight, my stomach needs some rest.” jokes Cris, feeling her girlfriend laughs against her neck.

Joana then slowly sits up, grabbing her phone. “I know some people in the city, maybe they’re available tonight.” she explains with a shrug, her gaze clearly asking Cris if she’s okay with it.

“Seriously? And like- meeting in a bar or something?” replies the blonde with a frown, intrigued.

“I can try to call one of them to know what they’re planning tonight.” admits her girlfriend, nodding towards her phone.

“Well, you know I never say no to going out.” shrugs Cris with a slight laugh and raised hands.

Joana only smiles in answer, as she scrolls through her contacts. “ _Hola?_ Kro? It’s Joana. Yeah, hi!” she chuckles, as the blonde hears a man excitedly yelling on the other end of the phone. “I’m here for some days with my girl and I was wondering if you—exactly! Perfect. Yep, see you.” 

“Kro?” asks Cris with a confused smile.

“What?”

“It’s his real name?”

“Nope. Well-- I don’t know. To be honest, everyone calls him that way, but no one knows his real name.” admits the raven-haired girl, grinning at her girlfriend’s reaction.

“What are you getting us into?” laughs Cris, shaking her head in disbelief.

\--

Sunday, 20h57

“But… how do you know him?” wonders the blonde, walking arm-in-arm with her girlfriend in the streets.

“Um… one of my older cousins once took me to a party in Buenos Aires with some of his friends, and we kind of got along pretty well, even if I was younger. I remember when we came back the day after, my parents were so mad, I was only 16 or something.” chuckles Joana, as they arrive in front of a local bar in a less touristic area. “I think it’s that one.”

“Well- I guess that’s where we die.” jokes her girlfriend with a slight laugh.

The raven-haired is ready to answer something but she’s interrupted by someone opening the front door.

“Hey hey hey! Look who’s here, one of the Bianchis!” exclaims a tall and burly brown-skinned man, with a messy budding beard, an opened Hawaiian shirt and a neon bucket hat. Joana smiles brightly as he comes to hug her tightly. “Hi!” he lets out, looking at the blonde with intrigued but smiling eyes.

“I’m Cris.” she says with a bright smile as Joana proudly wraps her arm around her waist.

“Can I hug the lady or…?” he asks, looking at the raven-haired girl with playful eyes.

“Shut up idiot.” she sighs, unable to hold a smile but slightly pushing his arm as he loudly laughs. He warmly hugs the blonde before inviting the couple inside.

\--

Sunday, 23h41

Cris is coming back from _an… interesting conversation_ outside the bar while she was smoking; learning some random Argentinian expressions and anecdotes about Joana from her “friends”. She crosses the warm and loud room to join her laughing girlfriend, who’s completely on another planet, talking with her strong accent to some new acquaintances they made sooner in the evening.

“Are you really wearing a cap right now?” giggles the blonde as she reaches their table.

“Yep, I wear caps now. I like caps. Caps are cool.” seriously- _even if the word serious takes a completely different meaning after 3 beers_ \- affirms Joana, adjusting her hat.

“Okay, never mind.” replies her girlfriend with a slight laugh, taking back her seat next to her.

Joana wraps her arm around Cris’ neck and leaves many small kisses all over her hair and cheeks, as the blonde gently pushes her away with an annoyed moan, before resting her head on the crook of her neck.

“Eh… are you happy to be here?” murmurs the raven-haired girl after a minute of silence playing with each other’s fingertips.

“Well, the bar is great and the people are chill.” admits Cris with a shrug, not understanding the question.

“No… I mean- coming with me in Argentina, doing this trip, being my girlfriend…?” asks again Joana with a small voice, as she feels her girlfriend leaving her arms.

The blonde is now facing her with a frown, cupping her cheeks with her hands. She only smiles softly, before leaving an earnest and loving kiss on her girlfriend’s forehead. She then takes back her place in Joana’s arms, intertwining their hands together.

“You know I love you, right?” whispers the raven-haired girl after some seconds, making Cris look at her.

“No no, you hate me and want me to go live with the penguins so you can live in peace.” jokes the blonde, trying to keep a serious tone.

“With the penguins?” laughs Joana, a little tipsy and understanding nothing.

“Shut up and kiss me idiot.” murmurs Cris with a bright grin.

“I understand that…” replies her girlfriend with a smirk, her words already muffled by a tender and not-that-innocent kiss on the blonde’s lips.

\--

Monday, 13h48

The couple is sitting in a small restaurant, waiting for their meal. Joana is doodling some food and the lively chef who’s gladly talking to his entire clientele, making many tourists laugh and smile.

_It’s great- I won’t complain, it’s just that… it doesn’t help my headache to stop. We came back so late yesterday- well, today. We just woke up and barely found the strength to walk this far, but… Joana was so cheerful this morning; I think she was happy to meet all of them again and be able to let go a little._

“Eh _Sapito_ , are you listening?” asks the raven-haired girl, tenderly patting her girlfriend’s hand.

“Sorry, what?” mumbles Cris, rubbing her eyes and trying to focus on Joana.

“Choose a word!” she blithely repeats, showing the blonde the napkin she was drawing on. Her girlfriend only answers with a confused and tired frown. “Between all the words I wrote, choose one.” continues Joana, pointing at them.

_Kalopsia – Moira – Lacuna – Saudades – Meraki – Redamancy – Makaria – Melancholia – Caelum – Primavera – Arcane – Vad – Acrasia… What the hell are all those words…?_

“ _Amor_ , I don’t even know what they mean…” admits Cris with apologizing eyes, not understanding where it all leads.

“That’s the point! Follow your instinct.” affirms her girlfriend with a confident and bright smile.

“Um, okay… well… I like this one.” declares the blonde after thinking some seconds, pointing at the word _Arcane_ , which makes Joana smile even more.

“Okay, now- you see that tattoo shop there? Well, I’m going to get this word tattooed.” she explains, nodding towards the shop on the other side of the road with the same smile.

“Excuse me, what?” asks Cris, dumbfounded. “Babe, you can’t just make me choose a random word on a napkin, knowing that you want to get it tattooed!” she exclaims, still dazed and a little annoyed.

“Well, now that you know, would you change it?” asks Joana with raised eyebrows and challenging eyes.

“I-don’t-know-what-they-mean.” affirms the blonde, emphasizing every word as she leans forward on her elbows.

“Arcane means: _secret, mysterious, understood only by few_ ; now you know what it means.” smiles the raven-haired girl, proud of herself.

“So, we’re really going to cross the road and get you tattooed this word?” asks her girlfriend as she crosses her arms in front of her chest.

“Yep.” she replies with an exaggerated nod.

“I… you’re impossible...” sighs Cris with a small smile, perfectly knowing that her girlfriend won’t change her mind.

\--

Monday, 18h38

The couple is lying in the grass; silent and holding hands, as they both look at the sky, enjoying each other’s company. The sun just set but the world is still bright enough for them to stay here a little longer.

_We spent our time in this park after her tattoo- I still can’t believe she got tattooed a random word on the side of her right ring finger… but well- she’s my unpredictable girlfriend._

_This last afternoon was amazing… A small breeze in the leaves, but not too cold, with the sun warming our coat… Joana drew some sketches of me and of the children that were playing near us; we even found a way to take nap. I think we’re going to find a food truck or something to picnic outside tonight, it would be nice to stay here a little longer… It’s like being in our parc in Madrid, it’s so soothing._

“I can’t believe our flight is already tonight…” sighs Joana, squeezing Cris’ hand, as she covers her eyes with her other arm. 

“Me neither… Everything went so fast… but at the same time those two weeks were so… out of time?”

“Yeah…”

“I’m glad we did this trip…” admits the blonde, breaking again their quietness.

Joana remains silent and just turns towards her girlfriend, before slowly stroking her cheek to make her look at her.

“What…?” murmurs Cris, a little worried.

“Nothing, I just wanted to look at you…” replies the raven-haired girl with a faint smile, playing with her girlfriend’s hair.

“Don’t lie to me; why are you sad…? I can feel it…”

Joana looks away some seconds, taking her time to gather her thoughts before answering.

“I never felt that way before and… I don’t want this feeling to go…” she explains with her voice breaking on the last words, as her eyes start filling with tears.

“Me neither…” murmurs Cris, turning her body as she leans forward to rest her forehead against Joana’s, wiping her tears with her thumb.

The raven-haired girl buries her head in her girlfriend’s neck as they hold each other tightly, both letting their emotion carrying them away.

\--

Tuesday, 2h35

“Ladies and Gentlemen, we will take off in a few minutes.”

Joana stops staring at the safety directives she perhaps read a thousand times, feeling her girlfriend tense up next to her.

“Cris are you alright…?” she asks, a little worried.

“Yes, don’t worry.” slightly smiles the blonde, only glancing a second at the raven-haired girl.

“Why are you holding my hand so tight then?” chuckles her girlfriend, feeling Cris quickly let it go. “ _Dios_ … I can’t believe we’re both afraid of flying.” she continues with a light giggle.

“I’m not afraid… I just… don’t feel that comfortable.” affirms the blonde, crossing her arms in front of her chest, before jumping from her seat as the plane starts moving.

Joana nervously laughs at the sight of her anxious girlfriend. “Come on, give me back your hand.” she says softly, taking Cris’ hand in hers. She slowly intertwines their fingers, before soothing the blonde by drawing small circles on her skin. “At least, if we die now, it would be after a last pretty good Argentinian meal.” she jokes, whispering in her girlfriend’s ear, who’s now closing her eyes with her entire body sinking into her seat.

“Just shut up...” she moans with a pout and her eyes still closed, smacking Joana’s arm, who’s now laughing _like an idiot_.

“Come on… everything will be alright; we’re together.” murmurs the raven-haired girl, lightly kissing Cris’ shoulder.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, I hope you liked this new chapter :)  
> \--  
> I tried to inform myself and put some real places and references from Buenos Aires in this chapter. I hope I haven’t made too many mistakes!  
> Joana being an artsy nerd. That’s it, that’s a thing I love writing.   
> I know that tango isn’t that “convivial”, but I don’t know, I thought it would be a little lighter that way.  
> The café “Sweet Paradise” I mention isn’t located in Buenos Aires, but it was important for me to introduce this place in this fic.  
> For the “Kro" thing, it’s just a joke with my friend group and I just love putting some funny things of my life in this fic.  
> I let you find all the meanings of the words of Joana's list. Those are ones I like, and some are words I just think that could fit with Joana.   
> -  
> I have nothing planed for the next chapters, but don’t worry, this fic will continue! :)


	23. Fresh start

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know some of you were waiting for this new chapter for a really long time now, and I’m really sorry for taking so long, but here I am. 
> 
> Hope you'll enjoy!

Thursday, 19h38

“ _Sapito_! I’m home!” exclaims Joana as she enters the apartment with her arms full of bags, trying to reach the kitchen without dropping anything.

_No answer. Weird, she should be here._

“Cris?” she asks again, checking the living room with a small frown, before noticing her girlfriend’s stuff on their couch.

The raven-haired girl slightly sighs before heading towards the stairwell, closing the front door behind her and swiftly taking the stairs two by two. _At the end of the summer, we finally found a way to have access to our rooftop. This damn door requires a master key we obviously don’t own, but one day, some workers forgot to close it and I blocked it with paper into the lock so the door wouldn’t close by itself anymore. I think I’ll never forget Cris’ face when I showed her my discovery. She missed “her place” so much; so, now, when I can’t find her in the apartment, I know where she is._

She reaches the end of the stairs as she feels the last sunbeams of the day warm her skin. _The door’s opened_ , and Joana notices her girlfriend’s blonde and loose hair floating in the air thanks to a light wind bringing some coolness to the atmosphere.

Cris is sitting on the edge, facing the orange and pink city in front of her, some smoke kissing her lips.

Her girlfriend only stands at the door, silently waiting for the blonde to notice her presence, but also taking her time to simply appreciate the sight.

“I thought you stopped smoking 2 weeks ago?” she finally points out, not really knowing _why_ , _and anyway_ , not really knowing _what else_ to say; pure care and concern in her voice.

Cris only sneers slightly, not even moving her gaze from the view in front of her. “Well, I guess I have no will.” she says, a touch of bitterness and irony in her tone, as she lets ashes fall from her cigarette on the small concrete wall she’s sitting on.

“Bad day?” asks Joana, walking towards the blonde, who only shrugs in answer.

She remains silent as she sits next to her girlfriend, not too close to avoid overwhelming her, but also close enough to let her feel her warmth and protection.

The couple keeps staring at the sunset some minutes, not looking at each other or not even trying to have any kind of interaction. Joana, _of course_ , hates this kind of silence. It only gives space to her mind to imagine any kind of thoughts that are going through her girlfriend’s head; but at the same time, she can’t just break this needed silence; it wouldn’t be fair for Cris who constantly has patience with her and who sometimes also has a hard time expressing her own emotions.

So, the raven-haired girl just waits, calmly; or at least she tries. Because, of course, the urge to bite her nails always shows up whenever it can; but the second she can think about it, her thumb is already pressing against her lips.

That’s when Cris gently grabs her girlfriend’s wrist, before intertwining their fingers together and rest their hands on her thigh. She only gives Joana a half smile; _but that’s enough_ to reassure the latter, as both girls are now able to look at each other in the eyes.

“What’s wrong?” thoughtfully asks the raven-haired girl, soothingly rubbing her thumb against her girlfriend’s skin.

Cris lowers her head at those words, staring at their hands before starting to play with Joana’s fingers.

“This summer felt like I was… breathing again? Seeing the girls, finally the fifth of us together, it was- wonderful; and also… spending a little more time with you, starting to drive, partying, having not that much of a hard time with my parents, and even working- I enjoyed working, me!?” she jokes, making her girlfriend slightly chuckle with her, before taking back a bitter and wistful smile. “But now… I feel stuck again- between angst and tiredness; and I don’t know what’s happening to me. I always hated thinking about the future and what I’ll do the day after, but now that I’m _an adult_ – I _hate_ this word- I can’t flee anymore, and I don’t know what to do. Should I just stop? Or should I continue and try to be a psychologist? I love the idea but… am I on the right path? Or I don’t know- should I just take a gap year and work again to see if it’s more my thing?” she asks, desperately trying to find some answers in her girlfriend’s concerned eyes. “See…? I’m stressing out again…” she lets out with a nervous laugh, avoiding Joana’s gaze.

The latter covers their intertwine hands wither other one, resting her forehead on Cris’ shoulder, and tenderly kissing it, as her girlfriend breathes deeply to calm herself down.

“ _Dios_ … Sometimes I miss high school so much. Seeing the girls every day, not having to think about anything else than what I would do in the evening and just- I don’t know…” sighs the blonde, harshly wiping her cheek with one hand.

“Yeah… and having to sit in class every day and listen to boring teachers, who at the first occasion would remind you that you’re just hopeless and have no future… Oh and also having to hide from your mother and explain her every trimester why your average was never higher than _sufficiente_. Good old days…” jokes Joana, feeling her girlfriend slightly chuckle, before raising her head to meet a _finally_ smiling Cris.

“ _Idiota._ You know what I meant.” she affirms, receiving a slight nod from the raven-haired girl, who takes some second before replying.

“You know I can’t choose for you, but whatever you decide I’ll support you. And- of course, you’re only starting this year and it’s the best moment to just stop and take a gap year to work but… it could be hard to go back to Uni if you’ll feel like studying was the best solution.”

“Why does it have to be so hard…?” asks the blonde with a deep sigh, taking her eyes off her girlfriend to stare back at the now illuminated city.

Joana doesn’t answer. She only puts a strand of blonde hair behind Cris’ ear, before wrapping one arm around her shoulders. The latter rests her head in the crook of her neck, receiving small but tender kisses on her forehead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!
> 
> Alright, I'm back and I’ve got some ideas and I think that now this fic will mostly be small chapters around, idk 1000 words maybe, and we’ll just see where I’ll go with this. 
> 
> Of course, don’t hesitate to give me feedback (it really gives me motivation) and maybe also ideas you want to see, or small scenes you think that would fit with this fic in particular. 
> 
> I can't promise that i'll be regular, but I'll do my best to not make you wait that long again, have a wonderful day/evening!


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